Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2024
 

January 1

Quote of the Week

"Humility is not thinking less about yourself, but rather thinking about yourself less."

I used to look down on people who were humble. They won’t ever get anywhere, I used to think. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and if I wanted to succeed I had to be aggressive and take the things I wanted. When I combined alcohol with this attitude, my ego exploded, and my thirst for both success and drink was insatiable. Soon I was a pariah, shunned even by some of my closest friends.

In the program, while I was recovering from my disease, I heard a lot about humility. Rather than be open to the concept, my ego rebelled at the thought of it. I can still remember arguing about it with my sponsor. “If I’m humble, I’ll be a nothing. People will take advantage of me, and I’ll never get ahead,” I whined. And that’s when he defined it, according to the program. He told me, “Humility isn’t thinking less about yourself, but rather it’s thinking about yourself less.” That was an aha moment for me.

The truth beneath this explanation has deepened for me over the years. What I have discovered is that I am much happier, have more freedom, and am more peaceful when I am thinking less about myself. In fact, the more focused on others I become, the more serenity I have. Today, whenever I find that I am anxious or upset, chances are I’m thinking too much about myself. The solution is simple: I seek humility by looking for ways to be of service. When I do, serenity returns to my life.

January 8

Quote of the Week

"If you still have some plans left, they suck, and you’ll use them."

I hear some people share regularly at my Tuesday night meeting, and they always wish the newcomers one thing—desperation. At first this seemed harsh to me, but I realized that if I hadn’t hit complete bottom, I, too, would have used the plans I had left. And when I think back to my old plans, none of them involved sobriety.

When I was new, my sponsor asked me what my back-pocket plans were, and I told him: “If this doesn’t work for me in ninety days, I’m selling my house, cashing in my retirement savings, and moving to England. Once there, I’m going to buy, operate, and live above a pub.” At the time, that was my best thinking, and I was dead serious. He looked at me, smiled, and just said, “Keep coming back.” And I did.

Today, I’m thankful that was the only alternative plan I had left. I know it would probably have killed me, but I had reached such a bottom it didn’t really matter anymore. If you’re new, I hope you’re out of any viable plans, desperate, and ready to give the program everything you’ve got. I guarantee you, it’s the best plan you’ll ever have.

January 15

Quote of the Week

"Those who laugh—last."

I remember hearing the phrase “We are not a glum lot” when I was new in recovery. But I didn’t believe it. I mean, here I was sentenced to attend meetings, prohibited from partying, and forced to develop a faith in God. Things looked pretty glum to me. If it wasn’t for the laughter I heard in the rooms, I may not have stuck around.

At first, I couldn’t understand what they found so funny. People would share embarrassing, demoralizing, and even tragic experiences, and the room would burst into laughter. Some of the things they shared I wouldn’t even admit to myself. “I don’t get it,” I finally said to my sponsor. “Those who can laugh at themselves tend to last,” he told me. It took a while, but I sure did find that to be true.

One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in recovery is not to take myself so seriously. Once I cleared away the wreckage of my past, I was free. Today, I allow myself to make mistakes, and if I step on someone’s toes, I’m quick to make amends. Because of this, my life is lighter today, and I find it easy to laugh at myself. This not only makes the journey more enjoyable, but it’s what’s made it last so long, too.

January 22

Quote of the Week

"If everything else fails, try not drinking."

I tried countless things to make my life better before recovery. There was the gym phase. My buddy and I joined a gym and vowed to get healthy. I even started jogging. Then there was the healthy diet phase. I stopped eating junk food and instead drank protein shakes with raw eggs. I even fasted on Sundays. Then there was the meditation phase. I started attending ashrams and bought some tapes on meditation. I even got a special meditation timer. Nothing worked, though. After each phase, my drinking and my life got worse.

Next I turned my attention to controlling and enjoying my drinking. My brother told me his brilliant idea of drinking a glass of water between drinks. I tried it. I peed a lot. Next, I tried drinking only premium tequilas. There was gold and silver, and also premium aged tequilas for $65 a bottle. I even bought a book on how to cook with tequila. Drinking and cooking with tequila got me pretty drunk. Then I tried the Dr. Bob beer experiment. Surely beer was safe. Off to Costco I went to buy cases of beers from around the world. I drank a lot of beer, and peed even more, and stayed drunk. My life didn’t improve.

When I entered recovery, you made a novel suggestion: don’t drink! Wow, that was new. Surely, that couldn’t be the total problem, I thought. Turns out, it was. After many inventories, I finally made the connection that I have the disease of alcoholism, and when I drink, bad things happen. Further, I discovered that if I am trying to control my drinking, I’m not enjoying it. And if I’m enjoying my drinking, I’m not controlling it. Ultimately, for me to drink is to die, and to be miserable until that happens. Today, my solution is simple because everything else has failed. Now I just don’t drink, and my life gets better.

January 29

Quote of the Week

"I can’t handle it, God; you take over."

Before I had a program, a fellowship around me, and a Higher Power, I was in charge of my life. I made all decisions based on self and ego, constantly planning, scheming, and manipulating people and things to get what I wanted. When I added alcohol, my wants became demands, and soon the situations I created spun out of control. When I finally hit bottom, I surrendered and began to learn a better way.

Step One of the program laid the foundation for recovery by helping me admit to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic. Once I accepted this fundamental truth about myself, I clearly saw the consequences of it—that my life had become unmanageable. After taking Step One, I became open to the real solution for my disease and my life: a belief in and surrender to a God of my own understanding. Once I turned my will and my life over to Him, I began to recover.

Throughout my sobriety, my life has continued to improve in direct proportion to how much of it I am willing to turn over. In each area, the more I harbor and hold on to old ideas, just to that extent does my life remain unchanged. Even when things seem to be going well, I can limit the goodness available to me if I insist on coming from ego or self. The sure sign of this is unmanageability, either in my own life or those near to me. The solution is as it has always been: to let go and let God. The gift is, I’m much quicker to let God take over these days.

February 5

Quote of the Week

"You’re not who you think you are."

I was in a meeting the other day when a woman shared that early in recovery she told her sponsor she was going to commit suicide. “If you did that you wouldn’t be committing suicide, you’d be committing homicide,” her sponsor said. “What do you mean?” the woman asked. “You have no idea who you are yet, so you’d be killing someone else. That’s why it would be homicide.” Boy, did I relate.

I remember early in recovery struggling to discover my real self as well. At first, I identified with my past actions, and the self-loathing and shame I felt convinced me I was a bad person. As I worked through that and began feeling better about myself, my ego was unleashed, and I suddenly thought I was better than everyone else. My new mantras became, “Don’t you know who I am?” and “Where’s mine?”

It took me a long time to realize I wasn’t as good or as bad as I thought I was. With over a decade in recovery now, and with a multitude of personality shifts, I’ve come to realize that identifying with who I think I am is a waste of time. I now know that at my core I am simply a channel of God, and the more I focus on being of service the more I come to know my real self and true purpose. I am not who I think I am today—good or bad. Instead, I am just a child of God.

February 12

Quote of the Week

"Recovery isn’t for people who need it; it’s for people who want it."

After I was sober awhile, I started thinking about all the people I knew who could really benefit from—and, in fact, really needed—the recovery I had found in the program. I began thinking of some of my family members, my drinking buddies, and especially the newcomers who kept relapsing. “They really need this program,” I’d say to my sponsor. “Why can’t they get it?”

And that’s when he told me that this program isn’t for people who need it; it’s for people who want it. He said that if everyone who needed the program attended meetings, we’d have to rent out stadiums, not just rooms and dining halls. He told me that only the desperate can become willing enough to do what we do to get what we have. And that’s when I thought about my own journey.

For years I needed recovery, but I still had better ideas. It wasn’t until I had hit my bottom, and was willing to abandon myself to this program, that I began to recover. I now understand when someone says to a newcomer, “I wish you desperation,” because it is only by bottoming out that one can go from needing this to wanting it. Today, I realize that everyone is on their own journey, and that although many may need recovery, until they want it, they won’t be able to get it.

February 19

Quote of the Week

"You can’t save your face and your ass at the same time."

After a meeting the other day, a newcomer with seventy-one days asked me to sign his court card. “How’s it going?” I asked him. He told me it was tough: his wife and kids and job were demanding, and all his friends were still drinking and using. He said he was just trying to hang on. I asked him how sobriety was going, and he said he felt awkward in meetings—he didn’t really know what to share and was afraid of looking uncool or stupid, so he just didn’t say much. That’s when I told him that he couldn’t save his face and his ass at the same time.

When he asked me what that meant exactly, I told him my experience when I was new. When I got to the rooms I was quietly dying inside, but I was desperate for people to like me. I wanted to fit in, to say the right things, and to be a part of. I was sure that if I told you how I really felt—scared, ashamed, angry—you wouldn’t want me there. So instead I smiled and just said I was fine. I was saving my face, but my ass was on fire and falling off.

When my sponsor directed me to start being honest, to share what was really going on, things immediately changed. First, others didn’t reject me; instead they opened up to me and let me know that they felt the same way, too. After being honest, I also felt great relief and my days started going better. Most of all, though, I learned that it was okay to have feelings and that my feelings weren’t going to kill me, and they weren’t going to drive people away either. Suddenly I saw the wisdom in saving my ass first. By doing that, I was able to discover my real face and found that it would be accepted for who I truly was.

February 26

Quote of the Week

"Before you do something stupid, wait twenty-four hours..."

Restraint of pen and tongue was a foreign concept to me before I entered the program. Instead, I was impetuous and acted on feelings of jealousy, fear, anger, or hurt pride. Fueled by resentment, it was easy for me to justify my actions and ignore the repercussions and reactions of others. When I got into the rooms, I was at odds with most people and alienated even from myself. My life had become unmanageable.

When I began working the Steps, I learned to take the focus off what other people were doing to me and look at my own behavior instead. It was hard at first not reacting to the many perceived wrongs I felt people were doing to me, but when I finally learned to put a space between what I felt and how I reacted, my life began to dramatically improve.

Today, I’ve come to rely on the wisdom and the miracles that can happen in between my thoughts and my actions. Time after time, situations will automatically clear themselves up if I only wait, pray on them, and turn them over. I am much less likely to become excited or agitated, and I’m much less likely to make things worse if I can just pause before I react. Today, I’ve learned that before I do something stupid, I should wait at least twenty-four hours.

March 4

Quote of the Week

"I learn to stop trying hard, and learn to try different."

We alcoholics are a stubborn lot. When I entered the program, I was a big ball of self-will run riot, and there was only one way to do something—my way. And if that didn’t work, I would just try harder: I would manipulate, lie, convince, or cajole until I got what I wanted. My ego convinced me I could get anything I demanded, and even though it was exhausting for me and many others, much of the time I succeeded.

Unfortunately, the things my self-will got me didn’t make me happy. In fact, they generally made me miserable and got me into trouble. And that’s when my sponsor said that instead of trying hard to get what I wanted, I might want to try different. He suggested that I pray for the knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry that out. While I was unconvinced this would make me happy, I was beaten down just enough to be willing to try.

Recovery, like life, is a process. Sometimes it’s one step forward and two steps back. But I’ve found that as I kept praying and taking right actions, my life did get better. I also found that the new things God gave me made me happier and more fulfilled than the other things I thought I wanted. As I worked the Steps and got a few years of recovery, I realized that the easier and softer way was to try different. And because of this, I now know what the “road to happy destiny” means.

March 11

Quote of the Week

"If God is your copilot, change seats."

Before the program, I wouldn’t even let God on the plane. I was the pilot and copilot of my life, fueled by self-will and self-seeking. I took off and flew through the lives of others like a tornado. My thoughts were focused on what I could get or take, or how I could control you to get what I wanted. At the time, it seemed strange to me that the harder I tried to manipulate everything, the less I got what I needed or wanted.

When I started working my program, the idea of putting God in charge of my life seemed downright irresponsible. Fueled by a hundred forms of self-centered fear, I couldn’t fathom giving up control of my life. I was still under the delusion that I controlled not only my thoughts and actions but the results as well. For me, faith was slow in coming. The key was willingness, and the more I turned things over, the better my life got.

Today, one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given is a life of true freedom as the result of turning my will and life over to the care of my Higher Power. When God is the pilot, experience has proven, time and time again, that life flows more smoothly for me as well as for those around me. Plus, it’s easier being the copilot. My job now is just to suit up and show up and let God take care of the rest. And He always does. These days, when my life is getting a little turbulent, I look to see if God is my copilot, and if He is, I quickly change seats.

March 18

Quote of the Week

"God will never give you more than you can handle—but life will."

Before recovery, life was pretty overwhelming. It seemed that no sooner had I put out one fire that two more started. Without a Higher Power in my life, it was up to me alone to handle everything, and before long I became resentful at how unfair life was. This caused me to drink even more, and after a while my life was completely unmanageable. Desperate and out of options, I surrendered.

When I got sober and started working the program, my life actually became more unmanageable at first. Still without a Higher Power, I tried to solve all the old problems of my life, as well as some unforeseen challenges, while handling all the new emotions I felt. Doing this quickly brought me to another level of surrender. This was when my sponsor taught me about the importance of working Steps One, Two, and Three.

He told me to get up each morning and say, “I can’t, God can, let Him.” By doing this each day, I was taking the First Three Steps, and that’s when I began turning my will and my life over to a Higher Power. The miracle of this was that even though life continued to overwhelm me, with God in my life, I could find ways to deal with it with courage and grace. Today, I know that life will still give me more than I can handle alone, but with God, I can handle it all.

March 25

Quote of the Week

"I have not found a God I understand; I have found one who understands me."

I had a love/hate relationship with God before recovery. Being raised in a religious home, my image of God was as an old, wise man with a white beard sitting on a throne judging and keeping score on all my thoughts and activities. I was constantly trying to keep track of whether I was heading toward heaven or hell. In college I denounced the concepts of religion and of God and briefly became an atheist, but then moderated to an agnostic. All the while I felt guilt and resentment at a God I didn’t understand and who I was sure didn’t understand or like me.

When I read the Twelve Steps on the walls of my first meetings, and saw “God” in them, I almost left. And then when people held hands at the end of the meeting and said the Lord’s Prayer, I felt lost and discouraged. By this time, I was sure the road I had been on due to my drinking led straight to hell, and the idea of getting sober only to be condemned by my old God didn’t appeal to me very much. When I turned to my sponsor, he stressed that we all had the freedom to discover a God “as we understood Him.”

While this offered a glimmer of hope, I found it exceptionally difficult to do. It took years to escape the guilt my upbringing had instilled in me. With an open mind, however, I began turning my will and my life over to the program of A.A. first, and then to a Higher Power. Oddly, as my faith grew and as I came to believe in a Power greater than myself, which I choose to call “God” today, I still can’t clearly tell you what He or It is. I just know that my life works better when I have faith and turn it over. In the end, I may understand God, but I know He understands and cares about me.

April 1

Quote of the Week

"Fake it ’til you make it."

If life is a self-fulfilling prophesy, then I used to believe my life was destined for failure. I always thought I had been dealt a bad hand: broken family; alcoholic, abusive father; poor education; menial jobs, and so on. And once I discovered alcohol, my downward spiral accelerated. I believed and acted as if my end would come quickly, and that it would be worse than I could imagine.

Thankfully, when I hit bottom, I stopped digging. I entered the program, and with the help of my sponsor and the Twelve Steps, I began uncovering, discovering, and discarding my old ideas. In limbo between who I had been and who I was yet to become, my sponsor suggested I “fake it until you make it.” When I didn’t believe the program would work for me, he suggested I act as if I did and to keep coming back. When I didn’t think I’d get a better job, he suggested I act as if I did and to suit up and show up and go on interviews. By taking a lot of contrary action, my life improved.

When it came to the God concept, I didn’t know if I could turn in the Academy Award–winning performance it would take to fake faith. But then my sponsor told me something I remember to this day. He said that he would rather live believing there was a God and then die to discover there wasn’t, than to live as if there wasn’t a God and die to find out there was. When I heard this, I made a decision to believe, and when my faith wavered, I faked it until I made it. It worked, and today I believe in God and that my life is destined for good. And if I ever doubt it, I just fake it until I make it.

April 8

Quote of the Week

"FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real, and more..."

There are a lot of great acronyms in the program, and three of them describe the progress I’ve made with respect to fear. The first is: “F@#k Everything And Run.” This is how I dealt with fear before recovery, and as a result, many unresolved issues became big problems. These problems begat more problems until they piled up on themselves and overwhelmed me, making my life completely unmanageable.

When I entered the program, I was taught that most of my fears were nothing more than “False Evidence Appearing Real.” Through working the Steps, I found that many of my fears were just that: stories my head made up and elaborated on based on situations and evidence that didn’t even exist. Through my recovery I learned to look at the facts and stay in the moment, which helped me see fear as it mostly is: False Evidence Appearing Real.

As I made progress through the Twelve Steps, I learned that fear could also stand for “Face Everything And Recover.” By following the basic tenets of this program—trust God, clean house, and be of service—I have discovered that I can face and get through anything life throws at me. And this is especially true when it comes to fear. My approach today is to look for the solution that is contained in the Steps. And when I do, I find a way to grow through fear, rather than run away from it.

April 15

Quote of the Week

"I may not be much, but I’m all I think about."

If I add up all the time I spend thinking about myself, at least 70 percent of the time I’m thinking (usually worrying) about my future, 20 percent of the time I’m thinking about my past (usually wishing I had made different choices), and about 10 percent of the time thinking about what I should do next. It’s easy to see why I don’t have time for others. I’m busy! And oddly, the more I think about myself, the more miserable I become.

The paradox is that all this self-centeredness isn’t driven by a big ego or high sense of self, although they are certainly contributing factors. Rather, it’s the low self-esteem of alcoholism that fuels my thoughts. This is why most of my thinking is negative and self-defeating. Self-loathing is a core characteristic of this disease, and when combined with self-obsession, it becomes a depressing and deadly combination.

Thank God the program offers me a way out. I was taught early on that self-centeredness is the root of my trouble, and that true recovery comes from thinking about and being of service to others. I’ve found that when I’m focused on others, I’m not thinking about me, and that’s always when I begin feeling better about myself and life in general. And when I feel better about myself, it’s easier to think more about helping and working with others.

April 22

Quote of the Week

"Nothing is so bad that a drink won’t make it worse."

In my limited tool chest of coping skills before recovery, drinking was the number-one solution to my problems. When I lost a job or relationship, straight to the bar I would go. My problems melted away as the warm glow of alcohol went down my throat. After a few more rounds, I entered that “king of the world” state where nothing would ever go wrong again. So secure in that delusion was I that I continued to drink to oblivion. After years of carrying on this way, my original problems soon paled in comparison to the damage my alcoholism caused me.

As I got a little time in the program, I quickly forgot the negative consequences of my drinking. When I was at a restaurant, for example, I saw people laughing and enjoying their drinks. At parties, I saw how alcohol was indeed a social lubricant, and I began to miss the easy times I sometimes enjoyed. And when I had to deal with my problems in sobriety, I was tempted to think a drink would make them easier to address.

That is when my sponsor had me pull out my Step One inventory. In it, I recounted the real consequences of my disease. After sober examination, I realized that at no time did drinking help me; in fact, over and over again, it just made my problems worse. This sobering reminder drove me back to the real solution I found in the Twelve Steps. Today, I know, without a second thought, that regardless of the problems I’m facing, a drink won’t help. It will only make things worse.

April 29

Quote of the Week

"If you stay on the train long enough, the scenery will change."

Whenever I talk to a newcomer, I remember the insanity of my early recovery. I used to talk in endless circles about my problems and about the people, places, and things responsible for them. I went on and on about how I could never stop drinking, and I was convinced the program wouldn’t work for me. I didn’t believe it when people told me, “This too shall pass,” but I was out of options so I kept showing up, hoping the people were right.

It took many months of staying sober and working the program, but things did begin to change. I began feeling better physically, my head cleared, and I became open to a new way of living. As I took different actions, I got different results, and after a while my life improved. More importantly, I developed the perspective of recovery, and I learned firsthand that things do change as long as I’m willing to change first.

Today, I know that I can only keep changing and keep growing if I stay on the train of recovery. No matter what the scenery looks like today (and sometimes it’s not so pretty), as long as I continue to grow along spiritual lines, I know that it will change, and things will get better. This has been my consistent and enduring experience, and I now live by and trust in the knowledge that if you stay on the train long enough, the scenery will definitely change.

May 6

Quote of the Week

"Keep coming back and don’t drink."

I had a lot of problems in my life before I got sober. I had job problems (what I was doing wasn’t exactly legal), I had relationship problems (with everyone from my neighbors to my family to my friends), and I had tons of other stuff I was juggling that caused me constant stress. Oh, and then there was the continuous drinking, the blacking out, and all the mess that went with that. To say the least, my life was complicated.

When I entered the rooms, I couldn’t wait to tell people how much was going on in my life. I told my sponsor, my best friend, and any other poor soul who asked that dangerous question of newcomers, “How are you doing?” What I wanted so desperately was solutions. I needed answers and advice, and frankly an offer of a good job would have been helpful as well. All I got, though, was, “Keep coming back and don’t drink.” What? Aren’t you listening? That wasn’t going to solve my problems. I need some real help!

What I learned, however, was that it took many years for my life to go so wrong, and that it was going to take some time to fix it as well. The most important thing I needed to do was stay sober so that it could get better. What I’ve also learned over the years is that as long as I do keep showing up and going to meetings, I will hear the solutions I need and often just when I need them. In fact, I’ve found that the more I change, the more the solutions that I need change, too. My life has gotten a lot better, but it wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t followed the advice I got early on: “Keep coming back and don’t drink—one day at a time.”

May 13

Quote of the Week

"Those who piss us off the most are our greatest teachers."

In my pre-recovery days, a lot of people, places, and things really pissed me off. To start with, I resented my family for always trying to tell me what to do (thinly veiled as, “We’re just trying to help you”). Schools, jobs, or any other institution that tried to dictate my behavior also pissed me off. I guess you could say I was kind of angry before I got sober.

When I entered the rooms, there was a whole new set of rules to follow (thinly veiled as suggestions), and I transferred my rebellion and resentment to them. Several months into sobriety, while I was still pretty angry, my sponsor told me something I didn’t get at first, but which is a principle I now live by. He told me that whenever someone or something made me upset, it was always because there was something spiritually unbalanced in me.

What I’ve come to understand today is that whenever I get pissed off, resentful, or upset in any way, I can almost always trace it back to self-centered fear. I’m either afraid I’m going to lose something I have or not get something I think I deserve. When I’m spiritually centered, however, and close to my Higher Power, I realize I already have everything I need, and that this essential completeness can never be taken away. Today, when someone pisses me off, I realize that person is just a teacher, and I begin looking within for what I am afraid of.t early on: “Keep coming back and don’t drink—one day at a time.”

May 20

Quote of the Week

"Another big lie: I can do this on my own."

When I entered recovery, it was very hard for me to ask for help. All my life I had been taught not to trust others, and that if I wanted something done right, I had to do it myself. So, when someone suggested I get a sponsor, I didn’t think I’d need his help. The Steps, after all, were clearly laid out. Surely I could follow such easy instructions. For the first few months, I tried to go it alone, not calling any of the phone numbers people gave me, checking in with my “temporary” sponsor only when I saw him at meetings, and so on. Before long, I was isolated and desperate, and I went back out.

When I got sober again, I took my sponsor’s suggestion to get connected and started telling others what I was experiencing. At first it was awkward, and I felt like I was bothering people when I called them. But very quickly something else happened: I felt better. And so did those I reached out to. I also started relying on my sponsor’s guidance more as well, and together we began working the Twelve Steps. Slowly my defenses came down, and gradually I became more open to asking for help.

I must say that even after many years in the program, my first instinct is still to go it alone and figure things out for myself. But I also have a tried-and-true tool as well, which is to ask for help when I need it. What I have found especially helpful is to share a problem I am having in a meeting. Invariably when I do, other people share similar situations and what they did to deal with them. Often, in fact, people come up to me afterward and offer their experience, strength, and hope. This has helped me immeasurably and given me solutions I never would have come up with on my own. Today, I try to avoid the big lie and reach out to others instead.