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Old 01-27-2014, 07:37 PM   #3
Tunni
Junior Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3
Icon18 MajestyJo

Quote:
Originally Posted by MajestyJo View Post

How did we deal with feeling and the unknown? We used, if not our drug of choice, for me it was food, men, computer, my bed, and found that isolation is part of my disease, it is not a recovery tool. I block myself from the sunshine of the spirit and the bonding I need from the fellowship.
Isolation... That is definitely what is going on here. and I absolutely hate it. Its driving me further in my mind than I want to be, causing the worst anxiety. In the first 90 days in my recovery I tried the 90 in 90. I ended up going to 2 meetings a day, 7 days a week. I took so much comfort in it, and it gave me so much hope.

But here I am hours from home, in the middle of nowhere. Not really by choice. I mean I guess I have a choice. But I tell myself that, so i dont dwell on getting high and taking off back home just to do that. My kids were relocated here, I no longer have custody of them. I however, live under the same roof as them. But my mother in law moved down here, because this is home to her. This is where all her friends, family, and help is.. She was all on her own for 3 months with my two children, I dont blame her for moving where she knew she could get help..

But of coarse I am going to follow my children. I have gotten myself in the worst situation, all because of my using. I try my hardest to stay as busy as the situation will let me. Lol I will say there is never a dirty dish in the sink for longer than 20 minutes, or is there a single piece of dirty clothing laying around. I clean, re-clean, chase after the kids like there is no tomorrow, and read ALOT! Video games, and writing help out alot too.

But there is only so much I can do. Sometimes I wake up and I am stuck in my head all day, the anxiety kicks in and Im literally stuck in one spot of the house and cant move until I can talk myself out of it. I want to go to meetings, I want to hear other people's stories, and I definitely want a sponsor.

My mother In law works so much, There is only one car, and I have no babysitter.. Her cousin that was watching the kids before when I was in rehab wont help out anymore, just because I am home.. Lucky enough though their dad just came home. So I know things will be changing soon, and ill be able to go to meetings again. Its just right now, I am losing it. My anxiety is only getting worse.

I guess I want to establish something somewhere, start somewhere. It might be weeks before I can make it to a meeting.. Im dealing with emotions that have been buried so deep since i was a kid, stress and anxiety following it. I am also struggling with "going back out there" now more than ever. It wasnt even this intense my first month. Im open to all suggestions, and will take any advice. and if i can help anyone I will. Although Im not sure ill be able to have any good advice to contribute..

Thanks for welcoming me
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