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The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one. JOAN BAEZ Newcomer Where were you yesterday? I called you at nine in the morning and eleven at night; both times I got your answering machine and left a message. I know you’re a busy person, but I thought that people in this program would at least have the courtesy to return my calls. Sponsor I did have a busy day yesterday; I missed talking with you. This is going to happen once in a while, so I’m glad that you have other phone numbers and a meeting list. When I was newly recovering, my motto was “I want what I want when I want it!” Sometimes my sponsor wasn’t available instantly and had to call me back later; sometimes she said things I didn’t want to hear at all. When my response was to withdraw—to stop calling, or miss meetings so I wouldn’t have to see her-I closed the door to healing. But when I could summon the courage to say, “I feel hurt, I feel angry, I’m afraid to trust you!” we could talk about what was going and reason things out together. Thank you for letting me hear how upset you were that our routine was disrupted; it’s an important part of the work you are doing in recovery. I won’t always be able to give you what you want when you want it, but I do respect your feelings. |
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For a girl without a self, I was pretty stubborn. ELEANOR ANTIN Newcomer I feel good today. Thank God I’ve got my willpower back again. I’ve seen the light: I just have to be strong and stay away from addictive substances. Sponsor I prefer the word “willingness” to “willpower.” For me, willpower means forcing myself to do something disagreeable and self-depriving because someone else thinks I should. The trouble with relying on willpower—for me—is that I’m still a rebel in my heart of hearts. Give me something to rebel against, and, it time, I will. Though I may feel guilty when I break the rules, my rebelling somehow comforts me: It’s familiar. It lets me feel like my old self. It lets me say, “This is me, whether they like it or not!” Willingness, on the other hand, means making a free, open choice to let in the message of recovery. It doesn’t mean always having to be strong. It doesn’t mean having to have all the answers. If we have willingness, we can show up at meetings, listen, and feel supported by the presence of other recovering people and by the laughter in the room. We can grow in recovery through practicing the program and participating in the fellowship. |
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Before a secret is told, one can often feel the weight of it in the atmosphere. SUSAN GRIFFIN Newcomer When I had a wisdom tooth pulled a few days ago, the dentist gave me a medication that contains codeine. I’ve heard people at meeting say they take their doctor’s prescriptions, so I knew it was okay to use it if necessary. As it turned out, I didn’t need to take any—the pain wasn’t that bad. I don’t know why, but I kept the pills. They’re still in my medicine cabinet. Codeine isn’t something I ever took when I was active. Sponsor You’re right in thinking that you are in danger area here. I recommend that you throw out the medication right now, and I don’t mean just tossing in into the wastebasket. Flush the pills down the toilet, or put them in a rubbish bag and take it out of your home; I’ll wait here while you do it. There are medical reasons to use some drugs as prescribed. It’s when we prescribe for ourselves, or start imagining pains to justify unnecessary does, that we’re in trouble. We can let the doctor know that we have a history of abusing substances and that it may cause us problem to take home more pills than we’re likely to need. Knowing this, he or she may prescribe non-additive medicines when there is a choice. Even if our use of pain killers is legitimate, sharing with a sponsor or at a meeting the fact that we have prescribed medicines in our possession is a good idea. If it’s not a secret, it may seem less compelling to us. |
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"If You Want What We Have" ---- 91 ----Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin I want to change things. I want to see things happen. I don’t want just to talk about them. JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH Newcomer I feel as if I should be doing so much more than just staying in recovery and going to meetings. And yet, when I have free time, I’m not accomplishing much these days. I go to a meeting and then to coffee—“the meeting after the meeting,” I’ve heard it called—and I get home and feel too tired to do any more. When I have a big block of time, I don’t know how to use it. I feel confused and discouraged. Sponsor This point in recovery is a time to be especially gentle with ourselves. When we look back at how we were feeling and what we were doing just before we entered recovery, we can see that “just staying in recovery and going to meetings” is a major change. To be free from or addictive behavior, to keep a commitment to a program of recovery—this is nothing short of a total revolution in our lives. We have made a commitment t live, not to punish ourselves for not doing it faster and more perfectly. “The meeting after the meeting” is not a waste of time. It’s important to get to know our peers in recovery. We can learn from one another, support one another. The changes we’re experiencing are mirrored back to us by others who are undergoing similar transformations. It gives us experience, too, at being with people without the “help of our addictive substance or behavior. We don’t have to worry about wasting time in early recovery. It is a miracle that we can simply be. |
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"If You Want What We Have" ---- 94 ----Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin Try this bracelet: if it fits you, wear it;but if it hurts you, throw it away no matter how shiny. KENYAN PROVERB Newcomer I hear some people in meeting who talk about having strict sponsors and doing everything "by the book." There are others who say that they follow the suggestion more loosely. I hears on person say that she "sort of got recovery by osmosis" - she's only dimly aware that she's been applying a particular Step to a situation in her life. I don't know if all this diversity is such a good thing. Sponsor Diversity is a fact of life in recovery. We come in many shapes and sized, and from many different backgrounds and histories. It stand to reason that our paths in recovery aren't going to be carbon copies of one another. We share the desire for recovery and the willingness to work at it. Though we do have addiction in common, methods of recovery may vary. One size definitely doesn't fit all. Some of us crave a great deal of structure and feel insecure without it. Some feel safer being told exactly what action to take, when, and how. Others rebel against overly detailed directions, feeling safe only if we sense we're being given room to make our won mistakes. We're intuitively drawn to people who have what we want, whose paths offer the combination of sportiveness and challenge that feels appropriate to our own needs. If our preferred way hasn't been working, we may need to try switching for a while to a stricter or looser approach. |
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"If You Want What We Have" ---- 96----Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin …and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own. OH SHINNAH Newcomer I’m royally confused. At one meeting I hear people say how important psychotherapy is; at another, I hear people say that it’s bad—all you need is the Twelve Steps. A speaker I heard mentioned antidepressant drugs and how they’ve changed her life; meanwhile, the man next to me was muttering that that’s not a sober thing to do. I’m wondering what I should do. Maybe I need more than just this program Sponsor The program doesn’t offer professional or scientific advice. Instead, we share our experiences: What got us here, how we’ve stayed clean and sober so far. Once we’ve established new habits in place of old ones, it’s perfectly appropriate to assess our individual needs. Some of us have medical, financial, or legal problems. A few have severe emotional problems. Some of us choose to seek professional help. For me, just plain recovery—staying away from substances one day at a time—had to come first; without it, I couldn’t begin to address the ways I’d neglected my health and well-being. Surprisingly, some of the decisions I struggled hardest with eventually became clear and simple. As your process of recovery continues, you’ll gain confidence in your intuition and judgment. Many questions that are causing you to experience conflict today will resolve themselves easily in time. while I learn to stay sober. |
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"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ---- 98---- Never take anything for granted BENJAMIN DISRAELI Newcomer What is a “dry drunk”? Sponsor This expression may have first sprang up in A.A. It’s used to describe one of us who is abstaining from the use of alcohol but isn’t thinking or behaving in a way that is sober. If we’re full of self-will, if we constantly blame and rage at others, if we’re controlled by our fears and resentments, we are probably “on a dry drunk.” This expression might also be used to describe those of us with addiction other that alcohol when our lives are not sober. Our addictions are a package deal: certain attitudes and behaviors come with the compulsion to numb ourselves with particular substances or acts. A “dry drunk” sometimes focuses on others and their addictive problems. Gossip, blame, argument, manipulative behavior, obsessive worrying, neglect of responsibilities—these are some common “dry drunk” behaviors. We may not be abusing a substance, but our attitudes and behavior qualify us as “dry drunks.” Today, my participation in this program help me to maintain physical, mental, and spiritual recovery. |
"If You Want What We Have" LINDA RONSTADTSponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ---- 99---- Other people don’t always dream your dream Newcomer When people at meetings use the words “control” and “controlling,” the tone is always negative. What’s so bad about control? I’m glad that I have more control over my life, not that I’m not active in my addiction. I grew up hearing about “self-control” all the time. I assumed it was a good thing. Sponsor There are different way in which people in recovery use the word “control.” One of them, in the phrase “controlled drinking” or “controlled drugging,” describes a state that’s neither drink nor sober. It’s an attempt to use and addictive substance or behavior only in carefully measured amounts—the “I can handle it” approach. Those who engage in it cheat themselves both of the oblivion of addictive behavior and the joy of recovery. I can’t imagine a grimmer form of denial; it means never being free of obsession with a drug. We also use the word “control” to name the illusion that we’re responsible for all the outcomes of our actions. The Serenity Prayer makes a distinction between things we can and can’t control. It helps me to remember that I have control over my actions, but not over those of others. I can control what I eat, but not how my body processes the food and what I weigh. I can choose my words, but not how people will respond to them. We may expend a lot of energy trying to manipulate others to feel and behave as we wish. It may even seem to work sometimes—but that’s an illusion. I don’t deliberately do things that I think may offend people or hurt their feelings; but what they feel, do , or say in reaction to me is not the realm of my control. Today, I accept my powerlessness over addictive substances and my powerlessness over other people’s thoughts and feelings. |
"If You Want What We Have" ---- 100 ----Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin I think the one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute for paying attention. Diane Sawyer Newcomer I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I often sit in a meeting just looking at everyone’s shoes and trying to decide which ones I like. Or I may be sort of half listening while looking at what people are wearing or how their hair is cut, trying to figure out whether the same thing would look okay on me. I guess I sound pretty superficial. Sponsor Sometimes the intensity of recovery feels overwhelming. We drift, thinking there’s something wrong with the meeting or with us. Our thoughts are elsewhere, racing a mile a minute, or else we fall asleep. The problem isn’t that we’re easily bored or unwilling to concentrate. More likely, we’re trying to get some relief from feelings that are surfacing within us. A lot happens at meetings. Some people are sharing stories that remind us of our own, and some are sharing their experience of a new way of life that challenges beliefs and habits we’ve held for a long time. It sometimes feels like too much. The experience itself of sitting in a room with other people uses mental and emotional energy, and may raise anxieties for some of us. It takes getting used to. The good news is that in time we do find it easier to be fully present. Today, I gently let go of concerns about my rate of progress, as I remain consistent about attending meeting and working the program. |
"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ----101---- Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't be mean when you say it. Saying Heard At Meetings Newcomer At a meeting I went to, the chairman made comments every time someone shared. Isn't that what they call "cross talk"? Sponsor Certain customs vary from meeting to meeting. I've heard more than one definition of "cross talk" and seen some differences in whether or not it's considered permissible to respond when others are sharing. At most meetings, it's not customary to respond directly to what another person shares by offering opinions or advice. It's fine, though, to identify with what's been said and to share our own experience on a related feeling or topic. At some meetings the speaker responds to sharing, but rarely interrupts, even with a brief, good-humored comment. At others, the speaker simply says ""thank you"---or nothing at all. Limiting cross talk promotes the habit of tolerance and helps create an atmosphere in which it's safe to share openly and honestly. Other customs, too, vary from fellowship to fellowship, from place to place throughout the country, even from meeting to meeting in the same city or town. Some meetings give out chips to mark anniversaries; some celebrate them with cakes and presentations. Some meetings sell raffle tickets; the prize is usually program literature. Some meetings prohibit smoking. Such policies may be dictated by local custom or decided at business meetings or "group conscience" meetings. Recovery keeps offering us opportunities to become more flexible and tolerant. Today, I am open and flexible. I cultivate lightness as I look and listen. |
"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ----102---- Happiness is a way-station between too little and too much. Channing Pollock Newcomer I'm in a bind. Someone asked me to attend an event, and I said ye. I think I should be doing more than just going to meetings. Now that the date's almost here, I wish I'd said no; I don't really want to go. But I don't think I should let people down at the last minute any more---I did that too much when I was active in my addiction. Sponsor When I was new in recovery, I had a serious case of what we call "people pleasing." It's taken time to sort out my own needs and desires. I've found that I need to spend time with people and I also need time for solitude and rest. Chances to try new things are among the gifts of recovery, But I don't have to do everything that comes along. It still takes effort to plan ahead for activities I care about an to leave room for spontaneity. Making choices that please and nurture us is healthy. If we need to, we can change our minds and our plans---it's not the same thing as picking up our addictions. We need to be clear about our motives, however. If we find that we're consistently waiting until the last minute, then backing out of commitments, perhaps we're letting fear make our decisions. And sometimes, it's just plain easier to go ahead and keep a commitment we're less than thrilled about. If we've made a mistake, it's not the end of the world; our mistakes are our teachers. Through trial and error, we eventually learn how to choose good company and make appropriate commitments. Today, I'm showing up for my life. |
"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ----103---- Creating intimacy is a skill. --Laurel Mellin Newcomer The so-called suggestions not to have relationships in the first year makes me angry. The rest of the world falls in love, and people get together. What can't I? Sponsor Let's remember that there are many, many kinds of relationships, including friendships, professional relationships, and relationships like ours, the sponsor-sponsee relationship. All of them offer valuable experience and practice at something we addicts don't know much about: the gradual process, over time, of sharing ourselves with fellow human begins. As a newly recovering person, you will have a lot to learn about yourself. Why rush the process? The person you are today and the person you will be after several months in recovery may not have much in common. You may quickly outgrow a romantic relationship that you enter into this early in your journey. Other newcomers, like you, are involved in a revolutionary process of growth and change. If you risk getting involved with a newcomer, you may find yourself unceremoniously dumped or vulnerable to the person's unreasonable demands or unthinking behavior. Instead, you can choose to allow yourself a luxury during these early months---that of creating a sensitive, loving relationship with yourself. Today, I cherish my new, growing relationship with myself. I look and listen lovingly to my needs and wants. |
"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ----104---- Showing up for life. Being blessed with the rebirth that recovery brings. One day at a time. --Betty Ford Newcomer Chronologically, I'm a grown up, but in some ways I'm far behind. It feels as if I'm growing up all over again. Sponsor Some people in the program say that our emotional development stopped at the point when we became active in our addictions: if we abused drugs beginning at age sixteen, then we've entered recovery with the emotional development of a sixteen-year-old. That's an oversimplification, but it points the way to a truth. Most of us enter recovery inexperienced at whatever aspects of our lives we avoided through addiction. We may feel awkward in social contexts; we may have missed out on education; we may not have found appropriate, fulfilling work. Some of us still have to learn the basics of self-care; others have numerous adult-world accomplishments, but no dependable sense of self-esteem. At times we may feel as if we're part child, part adolescent, part mature person rolled into one. We're not stupid or shallow. We're complex people, each with our own histories, strengths, and needs. We're capable of profound change. Happily, we're not alone in our struggles to mature and become integrated individuals. Today, I have patience with myself as I learn more about who I am and how to live. |
"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ----105---- The readiness is all. William Shakespeare Newcomer I went to two different Step meetings this week, in different parts of town, and both of them were on the Fourth Step. I keep hearing that "there are no coincidences." Does this mean I'm supposed to start the Fourth Step now? How do I know if I'm ready? Sponsor First of all, I'm glad to hear that you're going to Step meetings, and I encourage you to keep it up. Your willingness has brought you a long way already, and it continues to be the key. In approaching a new Step, I find it useful to ask myself if I've taken the Steps that precede it in a complete, wholehearted way. I review Step One and remember why I'm on this path of recovery in the first place: addiction brought me to spiritual depths I don't want to sink to again. Reviewing Step Two reminds me that I'm not alone, and that I have faith that I'll be given what I need to become a whole and free person again. Step Three reminds me that I've made a decision. I'm willing to do what's necessary for recovery and to trust the process. I remember that I only have to do my part; my progress in recovery isn't entirely up to me. My Higher Power will do the rest. When I reach Step Four, I trust that in the process of writing about the events of my addictive life, I'll be taken care of. Today, I bring willingness and an open mind to the next step in my recovery. I relax and trust that I am not alone. |
"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ----106---- Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Soren Kierkegaard Newcomers When I look at the Step Four, the phrase "the exact nature of our wrongs" sounds so grim and old-fashioned. I don't know if I can face my past that way. Sponsor We have a phrase---"the arrogant worm"---to express the way some of us think of ourselves: one moment we're too important to take the Steps; another moment we're the worst things that ever walked the face of the earth. Both are distortions. I'm a human being living among other human beings. I'm not a saint, but I'm not a worm, either. Words I've said or failed to say, and actions I've taken or not taken have had an impact both on other people and on myself. Chances are that the behavior I'd most like to forget is the behavior most important to include in my inventory. The point of this Step isn't just to list our faults, not is it to beat ourselves up for them. Nor is it to complain about the ways we've been victimized by people or circumstances. It is to look where our addictions have taken us. In recovery, I cherish my innate sense of right and wrong. Today, it leads me to take actions for which I esteem myself. |
"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ----107---- Happy for us if the grace of God enables us to live so that we retain innocency and freshness of character down to old age. --Mary Ann Wendell Newcomer I've always been down on myself---that's my problem. When I took the Steps and see "searching and fearless moral inventory," "the exact nature of our wrongs," and "defects of character," the language seems so judgmental. It depresses me to think of myself in such negative terms. Sponsor Like you, I found certain phrases in the Steps off-putting at first. I changed them in my mind: for "wrongs," I substituted "things I would have done differently"; for "defects," I substituted "old habits and ways of reacting that I'd like to be free of." I needed the gentlest possible approach; I'd been beating myself up for as long as I could remember. The Steps aren't asking us to blame or punish ourselves. Many of us accept the idea that we inherited a predisposition for our addictions and that things that happened in our lives provided opportunities for addiction to take hold. Fortunately, recovery offers us the opportunity to see ourselves with clarity and compassion, to free ourselves to become the people we've always wanted to be. We can work the Twelve Steps with infinite gentleness and caring, for ourselves and for the truth. Today, my compassion for myself opens me to the gentleness of the program. |
"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ----108---- Would you take a stick and punish your hand because it lacked understanding? --Rabbi Shmelke of Nikolsburg Newcomer What is a "moral Inventory," exactly? Sponsor There are many approaches to Step Four in program literature and in publications about recovery; at Step meetings you'll hear people describe still other methods suggested by their sponsors. All these methods involve writing---one of the most powerful tools we have in recovery. Taking our moral inventory helps us to get to know ourselves better by looking honestly at our behavior and its impact on ourselves and others. One simple, effective approach, as suggested in A.A.'s Big Book, focuses on two key emotions: fear and resentment. We make as complete as possible a list of people and institutions we have feared and resented. We identify what it is in us that feels threatened by each individual on our list. The result is a portrait---not of others, but of ourselves and the feelings that have fueled our addictive lives. Another approach is to list our assets and deficits, as we might do for a business. A balanced picture includes pluses as well as minuses, so for those of us who are experts at self-dislike, it's important to note not only our past mistakes, but also the progress we've made. How are we evolving into more honest, caring, responsible people? What are we doing better? What are our positive qualities, and how do they contribute to a strong recovery? Today, I think about writing a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. In the spirit of honesty, I will record assets as well as deficits. |
"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ----109---- You can look at the past---but don't stare. Francis Brady Newcomer From what I hear, many people don't write a Fourth Step inventory until a year or two after entering recovery. Some wait three, even four years. I've heard the expression "A Step a year." Should I wait? Sponsor In the early days of A.A., newcomers were guided through the Steps within a few days or weeks of getting sober. Many people were helped ot a new, sober life that way. Over time, a more gradual approach has proved just as affective for newcomers in AA and other Twelve Step programs. Today, those who are committed to staying in recovery have a great deal of fellowship support available. We have a proliferation of programs, many models of long-term experience in recovery, and large numbers of meetings to choose from. With all this support, some may choose to postpone Steps Four through Twelve, yet still manage to stay sober---though "a Step a year," if taken literally, could be a prescription for endlessly postponing the joy of recovery. Honest self-examination is a necessary part of the process that leads to the waking up of our spirits. Why delay it? For us, gentleness is essential in doing the Fourth Step. Our purpose is not self-punishment or humiliation. It's letting go of guilt and shame that led us to numb ourselves with addictive substances and behaviors. We can begin by keeping a Fourth Step file or index cards on which we list fears and resentments one or two at a time, as we remember them. Or we can use a gentle Step Four workbook. Because we trust that a Higher Power is part of our process, we don't have to put off Step Four or hurry through it. Today, I look at my past with honesty and compassion. |
"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations by Joan Larkin ----110---- If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people. Virginia Woolf Newcomer Why should I have to take the blame for everything? What about the things other people have done to me? Sponsor Taking Step Four isn't about blaming ourselves or others. It can helps us with out anger at those we believe have harmed us. When we write a Fourth Step, we name all the people and institutions we fear and resent. By putting into writing the wrongs we believe each of them has committed, we see the array of fears and resentments that burden our minds and disturb our serenity. It's human nature to fear or resent people we haven't treated well. If I neglect someone---I don't very much want to see or think about her. I tell myself, "It's all her fault." Guilt feels unpleasant; I may turn to my addiction to keep it at bay. Step Four ask me to take an honest look at the ways I myself contributed to or even caused the situation I'm so upset about. But there may also be certain things we didn't cause. What if we're convinced that we're right? Instead of plotting revenge, we can understand that there are others who are mentally or spiritually ill. We can acknowledge what they have done, without having to cling to resentment. We can ask in our prayers that they be healed. Today, I let faith replace my fears and resentments. |
while i am not a newcomer, i am needing this daily reminder to be kinder to myself... this posting has helped me tremendously. Thank you SO MUCH!!
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