Had a lot of guilt, because of my religious upbringing, I was very angry at God when I came into recovery. Found out it was more about the church and the "Thou Shall Nots" I was brought up in the Gospel Halls and you couldn't dance, play cards, couldn't go outside and have fun because it was Sunday. My mom broke down and let us go to a few drive in movies, we went to see one on forest fires, I got triggered from when our house got struck by lightening. I started crying, burying my head in my lap and was totally terrified. We left, my mother felt guilty and stopped us from going to movies.
When I came into recovery, the only God I knew was the God of my childhood. I am afraid my belief, faith, and trust was conditional and they talked about a Higher Power, and my attitude was, `Don`t tell me, show me.` My God showed Himself to me and as you know, I like to say, God is, as He reveals Himself to me in today.
I used only my Bible for meditation for my first year, later I was given the book Serenity, the New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs, which were cross reference with the Steps. I found that I had been working and living the Steps without knowing it. I said a prayer each night, opened the book, and read the page I opened to, and anything that spoke out to me, I wrote down.
It started small asking for help every morning to stay clean and sober for that day and giving thanks at night. When I came up upon something new or troublesome, the Serenity Prayer saved the day. I found out that I could wear it out. There is certainly a difference by saying it and meaning it, rather than just playing lip service.
In today, I KNOW my God is there. I can be walking down the street and saying, Hey Big Guy, this one is for you. I am just as apt to say, Can you not give me a little hint so we both know.
I try to take time outs during my day and asking for help, especially when my pain is bad. I ask for what I need to change, let go, unblock what is preventing me to connect to my God or to the answers that I know are there and I can not see in the moment. My faith is knowing it is there, it is about me surrendering it ALL to Him, not giving up but giving over, because I know my way does not work.
I am grateful that in today, that my God is loving, caring, forgiving, and oh so much more. As the verse in the Bible says, He strengthens me and all things are possible according to His Divine Plan.
The most helpful prayer is praying for the willingness to be willing.
I was told to not pray for specifics for myself or family and friends. That is playing God with other people's lives. I was told to pray for what they needed according to their Higher Good. When I did healing sessions with a friend, I would tell people, this is a contract between my God and your God, as to how much you receive and how open and willing you are to receive.
I was just a channel, and sometimes I was given thoughts as to what I needed to do or get them to do for their health and well being.
All we can do is pray and leave the outcome to our God. As they say, you can't help those who are not willing to change.
We may not all have the same view and perspective of God, but the Spirituality of the program, brings us together as one.
