[MajestyJo]

Grief

So often we live for others because we have no purpose or self-worth of our own. We think that we are useless and not a very good member of society, especially when we are disabled and can't get out and socialize.

We all have a purpose in this life, if for no other reason than to share with others. I sometimes think we are links, in the vast chain of this Universe, connecting one soul with another.

All we are asked to do is to have faith the size of a mustard seed, it is all that is required to connect and ask for what we need, one day at a time.

In today, I am a recovering alcoholic. I have recovered from that hopeless state of mind and body. I can go out and be a useful member of society and mix with "Earthlings" and live happy, joyous and free. Not free from pain, but a free spirit who is capable of dealing with her pain, one day at a time. I am not alone. I try to live my life for myself and my Higher Good, not to please others, but to please God. All I ask of myself of today is to be the best me I can be today and I know that all my God asks me to do today is try. Many times I fall short, but I take those shortcomings to Him and as I travel this journey and road of recovery, I will try to continue to share my findings along the way.

When I came into recovery, I had to let go of my best friend, my survivor tool, my comfort zone and learn a new way of living. Early recovery is a big part of grief work. You need to be honest with your doctor. That sadness and depression is normal, it doesn't need a pill or a quick fix, it needs the 12 Steps of recovery. Any loss in our lives, be it the death of a loved one, an old way of living, an old coping skills, or just a change in attitude, it all brings grief to our lives and something we need to learn to deal with.

The holidays are a time of grief for many people because of Christmas Past. We need to learn to let go and live in today. It isn't just Christmas, there are many holiday in our lives.

Whenever we have a change in routine, a change in how we are able to do things, a change in our normal activities in a day, we go through a grief process.

I sometimes forget this and wonder why I am experiencing several emotions; and then when i identify them, I recognize the fact that I am going through grief. I am a great one for bargaining, even today the doctor told me to relax, and he told me to put my head back and he told me I was nosey because I wanted to know. He said it was for him to know and he will tell me afterward. A little bit of a control issue going on. I wanted to see what he was up to.

Don't want him causing me grief. My trust issues were raising their ugly head too. So glad this is one day at a time and progress not perfection. I had to change doctors twice, one in early recovery because doctor had been my supplier. The second one I just couldn't connect with. He kept asking me if I had smoked or drank. It was like talking to a wall.

Time is a great healer and what stuck out for me were the words, "How we use that time." In the past, I spent my time using people, places and things to avoid looking at what I needed healed.

In recovery, I have done meditations asking for the healing. I have sat here, with my candles on, and the tears running down my face, not always knowing the source of the pain that was healed, just knowing that my God saw fit to allow me that healing.

So much was buried, so much of it not recognized at the time of it's happening, so much of it denied because I didn't want to look at it.

What I needed to do was surrender, accept what was and ask for help. Not always an easy thing to do when you feel like the other person was in the wrong and you were an innocent victim of other people's choices.

I had to let go of the anger. I was only hurting me. I had to ask for help, even when I was the one in the wrong and ask for forgiveness and healing so I would not continue acting out in my dis-ease.

Thank you for being a part of my life. I like this bear. He is sitting with his paws up willing to receive with one and willing to let go with the other. Just be and trust in the process.