Role Playing

[MajestyJo]

It is so important to let go of the roles we use to play for so many years. For one thing, they are comfortable and the known.

What roles do we play? The victim, the hero, the scapegoat, etc.

www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctionalfamily2.html


I thought this would make a good topic when I read today's reading from Melody Beattie:

Letting Go of Being a Victim

It's okay to have a good day. Really.

It's okay to be doing okay and to feel like our life is manageable and on track.

Many of us have learned, as part of our survival behaviors, that the way to get the attention and approval we want is to be victims. If life is awful, too difficult, unmanageable, too hard, unfair, then others will accept, like, and approve of us, we think.

We may have learned this from living and associating with people who also learned to survive by being a victim.

We are not victims. We do not need to be victimized. We do not need to be helpless and out of control to get the attention and love we desire. In fact, the kind of love we are seeking cannot be obtained that way.

We can get the love we really want and need by only owning our power. We learn that we can stand on our own two feet, even though it sometimes feels good to lean a little. We learn that the people we are leaning on are not holding us up. They are standing next to us.

We all have bad days -- days when things are not going the way we'd like, days when we have feelings of sadness and fear. But we can deal with our bad days and darker feelings in ways that reflect self-responsibility rather than victimization.

It's okay to have a good day too. We might not have as much to talk about, but we'll have more to enjoy.

God, help me let go of my need to be a victim. Help me let go of my belief that to be loved and get attention I need to be a victim. Surround me with people who love me when I own my power. Help me start having good days and enjoying them.

When I look back on my life, I find it disturbing that I never knew that it was okay to be me. I was always what I thought you wanted me to be or I was who I was told I should be and when I wasn't I was riddled with guilt.

So many times I was either forced into a mold or someone wanted to mold me as they thought I should be. I asked a friend one time, "I wonder how many mold he made?" I asked this about an ex-boyfriend. My friend replied, "He probably run out of clay."

I looked to others for validation, affirmation, and love. As the song says, "Looking for love in all the wrong places." What I couldn't find within me, I look for in you." Ironically, I didn't know that I had to look within. The thought of looking at me wasn't an option that I thought I had. I had been put down for so many years by so many people in so many ways, I thought I was a useless, unlovable being. When I came into recovery, I was so glad to hear, "God didn't make no junk!"

This is how a good little girl should act. This is how a parent, a sister, a wife, a lover, a friend should act. This is how a good little Christian girl should act! I feared I was d**ned to hell forever. If I was going to get hung as a lamb, I might as well go out as a sheep. Which I proceeded to do, I followed many people into a whole lot of trouble.

I am so glad that in today, I don't have to play a role. I no longer have to play other people's games. I no longer want to play games. Life isn't a game. I want to live in the real world.

Not very good at the 'not beating myself up' although it is getting better. Most times it is a mental thing, when I make a mistake at bridge. For years I had a motto, "I can't stand stupidity, especially in myself." It sometimes leaks into today. Although, in today, I prefer, just because I make a silly mistake doesn't mean I am one. I am much quicker at forgiving myself for having made them.

Again, it is the Ms. Perfection who is trying to control her life. Perfection is part of my disease, not my recovery.

This was something I posted in 2011. The role playing doesn't happen much any more, what you see and hear is what you get.

Still have to put Ms. Perfection in her place. I am only a victim if I allow myself to give over my power to someone else. Martyrs are hard to live with. They love to be miserable and misery loves company. Hope I still don't come across that way. The scapegoat takes on all of other peoples burdens, oh woe is mes, etc. Watch the body language and the sound of their voice and run or hang up. Lord save us from ourselves.

[MajestyJo]

The following link is to a topic on giving up our power, which is something we do when we role play.

http://www.bluidkiti.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4368

A lot of it is fear or our trying to change someone else, or change ourselves into who we think they want us to be.