Daily Humor

[bluidkiti]

On their first date, Bob and Susie sat in the dark theater waiting for the movie to begin.
The screen finally lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand. Bob and Susie noticed the sound was missing. The film began but silence continued.
Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

---------

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

---------

The adult Sunday school class was discussing formal and informal prayer, when one man remarked, "I do some of my best praying while I'm driving."
From the back of the room, in a quiet voice, the man's wife agreed, "I, too, do my best praying while you're driving."

--------

Exhilaration: that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and before you realize what's wrong with it.

[bluidkiti]

Household Tools For Dummies:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape.

[bluidkiti]

Dear IRS,
I would like to cancel my subscription.
Please remove me from your mailing list.

----------

Inside me is a thin person struggling to get out, but that person can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

----------

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

--------

A new bride went crying to her mother.
"Momma, I can't get Neil to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."
"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for thirty years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

--------

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

[MajestyJo]

Hello



God Saw you hungry & created Dairy Queen.

He saw you thirsty & created Coke, Juice, Coffee and Water.

GOD saw you in the dark & created Light.

GOD saw you without a Good looking, adorable, FRIEND.........

so He created ME!

[SteveD]

Kiti - those are hilarious

The one about the only way to get the husband to do anything reminds me of something my wife told me -

She said, "Steve, when you're out mowing that back yard in your tank top your muscles ripple, your hair glistens in the sun and I get so turned on!
I love to just stand and look out the back window just to watch your muscles flex when you mow that back yard! Rocky's got nothing on you baby! When you man-handle the helm of that lawnmower you are the sexiest man on the entire planet!"

I tell ya, after that I was out there mowing that back yard at least 3 or 4 times a week!

Originally Posted by bluidkiti

Dear IRS,
I would like to cancel my subscription.
Please remove me from your mailing list.

----------

Inside me is a thin person struggling to get out, but that person can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

----------

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

--------

A new bride went crying to her mother.
"Momma, I can't get Neil to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."
"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for thirty years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

--------

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

[bluidkiti]

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… But please don’t shove me either!”

[bluidkiti]

An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn’t forget.

Several days later, the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, “Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you’re up.” “Okay,” he said. “…and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries, too,” she added. “You’d better write all this down.” “I won’t forget!” he said.

Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed his wife a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. She glared at him. “Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you’d forget.” “What did I forget?” he asked. She replied, “My toast!”

[bluidkiti]

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"

--------

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.
Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk".

--------

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.

--------

"I'm into golf now. I'm getting pretty good. I can almost hit the ball as far as I can throw the clubs." - Bob Ettinger

[bluidkiti]

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."

--------

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

--------

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be alarmed. This is just part of my job." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"

[bluidkiti]

An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

[bluidkiti]

There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said, “Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!”

[Chance]

Heee Heee

[bluidkiti]

Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin’ robins.

[bluidkiti]

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in. Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. “Yes, that’s right. The fee is $200. Yes, I’ll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I’m a very busy man. He hung up and turned to the man waiting. “May I help you?”
“No,” said the man, “I just came in to install the phone.”

[bluidkiti]