Groaners

[MajestyJo]

Murder Trial

A defendant was on trial for murder in a case where there was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

Knowing that his client would probably be convicted, the lawyer resorted to a trick during his closing statement.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for all of you," he said, looking at his watch. "In approximately one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He then looked towards the courtroom door. The jurors, stunned, looked on eagerly. A minute passed and nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I made up the previous statement.

However, you all looked on with anticipation. Therefore, I say to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, now clearly confused, retired to deliberate. Within a few minutes, they returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

But how," asked the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I watched all of you stare at the door."

"You're right, we did look," replied the jury foreman, "however, your client didn't."

[MajestyJo]

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

"My goodness," he said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.

The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him.

He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't be needing
this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

[MajestyJo]

THIS SIGN IS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB IN THE NORTHERN
CALIFORNIA AREA:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done!

Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

[MajestyJo]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED

Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the d**ned sign says But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

[MajestyJo]

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."


Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly," I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.




An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet," let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."


Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."


I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.




Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"