Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2024

[bluidkiti]

November 18

Quote of the Week

"Trying to pray is the same thing as praying."

I didn’t pray or meditate much before I got sober. If I did pray, it was either to keep me from getting into trouble or to get me out of the trouble my selfish or self-seeking behavior got me into. As far as meditation went, my mind was way too busy for that. Besides, I had parties to go to. As my life spun out of control, I had very few tools to help me deal with the emptiness and desperation I felt most of the time. Finally, alone and afraid, I reached the bottom of my life, and that’s when I surrendered.

When I began attending meetings, I heard a lot about prayer and meditation. I thought I was screwed because I didn’t know how to do either one. My sponsor was very patient with me and told me to start by just talking to God. When I told him how angry I was with God for letting my life get so bad, he encouraged me to tell God about it. He told me that God could handle anything I might say to Him. So I did. I yelled and cursed and told God off. When I sheepishly told my sponsor some of the things I had been telling God, he smiled and said, “At least you’re finally talking to Him.” And that’s when I began to get better.

I have learned that God doesn’t care how you talk to Him, only that you are talking to Him. My awkward attempts at prayer counted, too, because at least I was praying. And each time I tried to meditate—for even a minute or as much as fifteen minutes—I felt better because I was finally meditating. Today, I know that any effort I make to connect with God is rewarded because God is always there, always listening. Today, I know that trying to pray is the same thing as praying.

[bluidkiti]

November 25

Quote of the Week

"I’m really grateful to be here."

When I finally hit bottom and surrendered, I didn’t think my life could get lower. But then I started attending A.A. meetings. Here was a group of people who had nothing better to do on a Friday or Saturday night than to sit in a room and talk about “the good old days.” And they talked about, of all things, God, and making amends, and their feelings—lots of feelings! I was pretty sure my life was over for good.

I resisted and rebelled for a long time, but I worked the Steps and kept coming back. I still didn’t agree or understand when someone began sharing by identifying as a “grateful alcoholic.” Grateful for what? I’d think. But subtly and powerfully, I began to change. I became more humble as I recognized my part in things, more grateful when I realized how fortunate I had been, and more hopeful because of the new life I’d been given. Soon, I even looked forward to going to meetings.

Years down the road of recovery, I live from a place of sustained gratitude. My life today is nothing like the hopeless, resentful state it once was. Today, I have a purpose and a new freedom I never had before. I’m immensely comfortable in my own skin—an incredible gift for an alcoholic like me. I’m not only grateful for all I do have in my life, I’m grateful I still have a life—something alcoholism nearly stole from me. Today, I can honestly say, I’m really grateful to be here.

[bluidkiti]

December 2

Quote of the Week

"I know I have another drunk in me, but I don’t know if I have another recovery."

A shiver shot down my spine when I first heard this quote. I know how easy it would be for me to pick up a cold Heineken or glass of Cabernet Sauvignon at a nice restaurant. And my disease even tries to convince me I could handle it now. “It’s been years since you’ve had a drink,” it whispers. “You can handle a glass of wine and enjoy it like others do,” it says.

As I think that first drink through, I know I might get away with it, but inevitably I would end up drunk. I know myself well enough to know how obsessive I still am—I can prove that with a large bag of M&M’S. I know I’ve easily got another drunk in me, but I can’t say the same thing about recovery. That’s why this quote resonates so deeply and still gives me the chills.

Getting sober and working the Twelve Steps was a lot of work. Good work, to be sure, but it took countless surrenders, unparalleled willingness, and a humbling of my ego that only the desperation of the drowning can understand. If the embers of alcoholism were lit again, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to contain them. That’s why I pray to God in the morning to keep me sober another day, and I thank Him at night for doing so. I know how easy it would be to get drunk again, but I don’t know if I have the grace and willingness for another recovery.