If You Want What We Have

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 15 ----
Very little is needed to make a happy life.
MARCUS AURELIUS ANTONINUS

Newcomer
I’m having a horrible day. I have way too much to do. This morning I felt overwhelmed, but I went to a meeting as you told me to. Instead of making me feel better, the meeting made me feel worse: I got upset at what someone shared and started to cry. Now I have a headache and I can’t concentrate on what I was supposed to do. How will I ever get this stuff done?

Sponsor
What you are experienced at the meeting was not to blame for your sadness. More likely, whatever triggered your tears was already inside you, waiting for something to release it. Most of us who are in recovery have a lot of stored-up grief. Tears are beneficial and cleansing.

There are day like this, when we feel sad, distracted, overwhelmed. Some days—especially in early recovery—are unexpectedly emotional. On such days, we may have to accept that it’s enough simply to breathe, eat three meals, drink water, and abstain from using our drug of choice. And, yes, to go to a meeting. Meetings remind us that when an alcoholic stays sober, an overeater eats moderately, or a perfectionist knows that he or she had done enough, a significant victory has been achieved. For those of us living with addiction, one day without additive behavior is a precious step forward on our journey.


I am willing to revise my goals for this day. I give myself the gift of keeping it simple for one day of recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 16 ----
I am of old and young, of the foolish as much as the wise….
And breathe the air and leave plenty after me,
And am not stuck up, and am in my place.
WALT WHITMAN

Newcomer
I’ve been told to make program calls, but I hate bothering other people, and I don’t like them bothering me. I can’t bring myself to ask people for their telephone numbers in the first place, and though a few people have offered me their numbers at meetings, I haven’t used them. How can I make phone alls to people I don’t know? Especially when I don’t really have anything to say other than that I fell terrible and don’t know why!


Sponsor
New recovery is a little bit like starting to walk after having been paralyzed. In recovery, we’re moving muscles that we haven’t used before. It’s uncomfortable. It’s work. But because we want to get better, we need to stop making excuses. I follow suggestions and use the tools of the program. I let go of my self-centeredness and see that making a program call is a gift: it offers someone else the opportunity to share his or her recovery. I recognize, too, that in the adult world, people can tell me when they aren’t available to talk; I don’t have to figure it out for them! I can be honest about where I’m at today, too—I don’t have to have my act together before I make a program call.


Today, I allow others to further their own recovery by sharing their experience, strength, and hope with me.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 17 ----
I have had just about all I can take of myself.

S. N. BEHRMAN

Newcomer
I can’t sleep. I’m too exhausted to concentrate during the day. At night I’m tortured by thoughts of sickness, death, debts, people I’ve hurt or who’ve hurt me. I’m uncomfortable physically, mentally, and emotionally. I bring it up at meetings, but no one takes me seriously. People just say, “It gets better” and “Keep coming back.”


Sponsor
Whether our addictions involve a substance or a behavior, we go through period of detoxification. Though some things may improve fast, most of us don’t heal overnight. Those who say “It gets better” and “Keep coming back” are speaking from experience and compassion. All of us, when we’re new, go through some version of what you’ve just described.

In time your body will readjust. Meanwhile, there are things you can do to reeducate your body about when it’s time to slow down. You can prepare for rest by dimming the lights, turning off the phone, playing slow music, or taking a warm bath by candlelight. In bed, you can take time to breathe and consciously relax your body, moving your attention very slowly upward from the toes as you picture every part of your body slowing down and letting go. You can do the same with thoughts, and visualize erasing them as they arise. You may still not sleep, but you can commit yourself to not indulging in worry or self-centered fear.


Today, I accept that detoxification is part of healing.

This, too shall pass.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 18 ----
A good listener is not only popular everywhere,
But after a while he gets to know something
WILSON MIZNER

Newcomer
I feel impatient. What am I doing at this meeting? The speaker’s concerns are entirely different from mine. He has cancer, and his doctor has told him that he has eighteen months to live. He says that he is not afraid of dying and he wants to die sober. I am impatient; my health is not a problem right now, and I don’t feel like I’m dying. I hate to say it, but what good is this going to do me?

Sponsor
When I am at a meeting, for the brief space of an hour I have nowhere I have to go, nothing I have to do. I can choose to relax, breathe, still my racing mind, listen. Sometimes a speaker addresses exactly what is on my mind. Other times, I have to listen hard for a feeling I can identify with or a principle I can practice. If I listen intending to hear something that I can take away with me even if it’s just one thing, I always find that it is there. After listening to someone who is facing illness and possible death, for example, I take away with me the new knowledge that here are recovering people who do not look at personal tragedy as an excuse for using again. Their priorities have changed. Are you will to reconsider your priorities?


Today, I listen without judging. I take responsibility
for hearing one thing that relates to my own recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

-----19 ----
…I always come to why, to the unfair, painful part of life.
MALKIA CYRIL

Newcomer
Today, I went to a meeting, but I could hardly hear the speaker. She spoke softly, and the fan was making too much noise. During the discussion period, she called on people by name; they must have been her friends. No one noticed me during the coffee break, and I left the meeting feeling worse than when I came in. I thought people in this fellowship were supposed to reach out to newcomers!


Sponsor
When I was active in my addiction, I “medicated” myself when I felt uncomfortable with other people. In recovery, I have had to learn new skills. Developing friendships, both in this fellowship and in the “real” world, takes time. Some of the people I see at meetings are coping with problems like the ones I walked in with: shyness, anger, self-centered fear. When I feel lonely, instead of waiting to be rescued, I introduce myself to the person next to me. I sit as close to the front of the room as possible, focus on listening to the speaker, and thank him or her at the break. I put my hand up (high, as if I meant it!) and, if called on, let the group know something about me. If I don’t get called on, I refrain from resentment and plan to keep coming and attempting to share. We can trust that, over time, if we’re willing to reach out to others, people will begin to know us.


Today, I do not blame others for my feelings.
I take one step toward sharing myself with others.
I let go of needing instant results.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 20 ----
For sometimes, were the truth confess’d,
You’re thankful for a little rest.
DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI

Newcomer
I can’t stop thinking about the mess I’ve made of my life. I rush around all day trying to get things done, then I run to a meeting, grab some cookies and coffee, and try to listen. I feel impatient and annoyed at what people are saying. Sometimes I even fall asleep at the meeting. I leave wondering if it’s worth it.

Sponsor
Mood swings are a signal that something needs taking care of. The slogan “HALT” (Don’t get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)” is a reminder to pay attention to basics. We have bodies that need regular food and rest. When I deprive myself of a meal, I get cranky and depressed. Being overtired is a mood changer for, too. When I try to revive myself with coffee and sugary snacks at night, I may have trouble sleeping afterward. My spirit has needs, too, that I’m learning to recognize and nourish. For along time, I was used to masking my anger and loneliness with addictive substances. To change this habit, I allow recovering people into my life. Sometimes speaking to just one other person can break the cycle of isolation that addiction thrives one. But even if we don everything perfectly, we may still fall asleep in a meeting sometimes. We needn’t worry; even if we don’t catch every word, a meeting is a safe place to be.

Today, I respect the basic needs of my body and spirit.
I nurture my recovering self with food, rest,
And conversation with others.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 21 ----
Get rid of the poison
M.F.K. FISHER

Newcomer
I’m trying to take your advice not to get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, but sleep is still a problem for me. When I get into bed, my mind starts racing. I toss and turn; it’s as if I’m being flooded with adrenaline. Then I’ll pass out for a while, and the dreams I have are horrible—they’re like hallucinations. When I get up, I feel exhausted.

Sponsor
In the first few weeks of recovery, especially from physical addictions—alcohol, food, drugs, cigarettes—sleep disturbances are likely to occur. Our bodies are still undergoing a process of detoxification and rebalancing. When we feel if we’re being flooded with adrenaline, that’s probably exactly what’s happening. Night and day may be turned around. Sleep problems vary fro person to person, depending on former addictive patterns. Some may sleep a lot, with dreams that feel hallucinatory; others may feel as if they’ve been lying awake for days. When we used our addictive substance or behavior, we were numbing ourselves so that we wouldn’t have to feel certain things. Those feeling don’t go away just because we’ve entered recovery.

The extremes you’re experiencing will level off as recovery continues. Bodies have a natural tendency to heal. One morning, you will wake up refreshed, surprised to realize you’ve had a night’s rest. You can help the process along by avoiding caffeine or heavy eating at night, by drinking plenty of water, and by beginning to add some form of gentle exercise to your day. A walk or some gentle yoga or stretching can do more than you’d think to help you body detoxify and regain hormonal balance.

Today, I cooperate with the natural process
That is healing my body and spirit.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 22 ----
Over and over, we begin again.
BANANA YOSHIMOTO

Newcomer
Yesterday was such a difficult day. But here it is, morning again—somehow, I’ve gotten through another twenty-four hours, and without a drug. I wish I’d known yesterday that thing wouldn’t feel so bad this morning.

Sponsor
Yesterday, we did the best that we could. Yesterday is over. We have slept. We think we know some of what today will hold. We may boil water in the same kitchen, take the same route to work, see some of the faces we usually see. At the meeting we attend, we’ll hear the familiar readings, take comfort from hearing the words we’ve heard before. Perhaps our shoulders, hunched with any tensions we’re experiencing, will drop at the sound of those accustomed words and we’ll relax.

Along with the predictable, there may be a thousand unexpected experiences: a new color in the sky, a smile answering our own, a phrase of music, a sense of willingness rising within us to do something differently.

Let’s take some deep, slow breaths and begin the day with faith that whatever it brings, we’ll be present for it.

This day is a gift that recovery has given to me.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

-----23 ----
The more you can experience the interconnectedness of
all beings, the healthier you will be.
ANDREW WEIL

Newcomer
I’m spending a lot of time traveling, because I don’t like going to meetings in my neighborhood. What if someone who knows who I am happens to see me going in, or even show up at a meeting?

Sponsor
Of course, you can travel to other neighborhoods if you want to—it’s not going to hurt anyone. But I wonder if your fear is justified. Most people I know are thinking about their own lives, not about mine. In the unlikely event that a neighbor sees me walking into a church or community center for a meeting, he probably won’t know just where in that building I’m going or why, unless he’s been to the same meeting!

I appreciate having meeting in common with people in my neighborhood. Though I’m certainly not required to become friends with them all, I feel strengthened knowing that we share a program of recovery. Once, in early recovery, feeling in danger of having a slip, I recognized another recovering person coming down the street toward me. We nodded to one another and moved on. I didn’t know her well, but seeing her reminded me of my own connection to the program and of what a gift recovery has been in my life. Perhaps your example will save someone else’s life one day, whether you know it or not; meanwhile, you’re saving your own.

Today, I let go of self-centered fear.
As someone who shows up for recovery,
I’m willing to be a power of example

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 24 ----
A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before
Him I may think aloud.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Newcomer
Someone from where I used to work showed up at the meeting I want to last night. I was uncomfortable, and I avoided looking straight at him, but I’m pretty sure he saw me. What happens to my anonymity now? I don’t want the whole world to know my problems.


Sponsor
I’m glad that you’ve raised this question; it’s an important one. What, exactly, is “anonymity” with respect to Twelve Step fellowships? The root of the word means, literally, “without a name.” I honor the tradition of anonymity by not mentioning your name in connection with the name of this program. I may decide to tell someone that I’ve been a meeting, but I will not say that I saw you there. And I must never talk to anyone about what you’ve shared here. That won’t change after I’ve been her ninety days, or a year, or twenty years. I never have the right to break your anonymity to people in the community, even your close friends or family—that choice is yours and no one else’s. We all share this trust, and most of us are surprisingly good at honoring it. Anonymity gives a sense of freedom essential to recovery. If you bump into this person again, maybe you’ll just nod a greeting or maybe you’ll reassure him that he can trust you to respect his anonymity!


Today, I have no room in my life for gossip or
self-consciousness. I feel joy at seeing others
participate in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 25 ----

Day in, day out
I hunger and
I struggle

SAPPHO

Newcomer
I have so many problems. I have debts. I feel anxious and shaky at work. Meanwhile, friends and family members expect me to be the same person I’ve always been. I’m totally overwhelmed.

Sponsor
In recovery, we have a future to look forward to. Over time, we learn new ways to approach situations that trouble us. But we can’t do anything differently if we’re still in the throes of our disease. We cannot rush recovery.

You can learn to treat yourself gently, as you would a baby or a kitten, or a sick or injured person lying in a hospital bed. You wouldn’t yell at such a person, Get up! You have work to do! Stop wasting time! You’d be tender and understanding. You would not begrudge a baby, or someone recovering from illness, time for rest, food, or medicine. Taking some time for meetings is essential to the healing process. Prayer and meditation can help clam you when you feel overwhelmed.

We are entitled to take time for recovery.

Today, I treat myself tenderly and patiently.
I deserve to recover. I allow myself time for healing.

[MajestyJo]

My sponsor told me to stay in the day and ask myself what was a priority. #1 was always my sobriety. When I looked at my day, I was told that it was okay to just be, and do what came up in front of me, instead of looking at the whole picture.

What is in my face and needs to be done? Can it be put off until later? Is there something else that needs done be for I do my will. Like calling my sponsor, reading some literature, prayer and meditation. I always found a little talk with my God, seemed to make it alright.

When I complained of busy, I was reminded to look at what it was like when I didn't have busy in my life. I drank and drugged to make time disappear. The insanity of this disease, standing with my legs crossed in my living room so I won't pee my pants, so I could light a cigarette to go to the bathroom.

All I was capable of putting one foot in front of the other, that is why I went to a meeting morning and night, I had to fill my day up with spiritual things instead of spending my days looking for things outside of myself to find peace. In between I read literature and spent time with recovery friends.

When I quit cigarettes, I didn't gain weight, I lost 3 lbs. because I went to NA and collected key tags.

They say 90 meetings in 90 days, that doesn't mean to stop then, that is just time to find a sponsor and a home group, and a time to detox and gain some clarity of thought. This is a one day at a time program.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 26 ----
This is a “we” program.
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS

Newcomer
Why must I have a sponsor? Can’t I do this on my own?

Sponsor
Sponsorship is strong suggestion—not a rule. Yes, some people do stay in recovery without a sponsor. And no, we can’t recover on our own.

There are great advantages to taking the program suggestion to maintain a relationship with a sponsor. Recovery is a major change—it’s one of the most difficult, most courageous things we can do in our lives. A sponsor, someone who’s survived the ups and downs we’re facing in early recovery, can serve as a guide and mentor. He or she can answer our questions and help us guide and mentor. He or she can answer our questions and help us through the Steps, giving us the benefit of his or her experience. With a sponsor present to witness our recovery process, to offer perspective and support, we may have a gentler ride.

When I was active in my addiction, I avoided the intimacy of relationships in which I might have to open myself to others or trust them. Even at times when there were many people in my life, I managed to avoid “people situations” that made me uncomfortable. A sponsor-sponsee relationship can be the start of learning that human beings can depend on one another.
Today, I’m not alone in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----27 ----

I took the portion that was given to me and gave it to him
THE BABYLONIAN TALMUD

Newcomer
Are there any rules about how to find a sponsor?

Sponsor
Some meetings have interim sponsorship programs. An interim sponsor works with a newcomer temporarily—a few weeks to a few months—while he or she looks for a regular long-term sponsor. Sometimes, an interim sponsor becomes the newcomer’s regular sponsor, if they both agree to it.

Long-term sponsorship is a relationship of trust, on that’s likely to have a significant impact on the process of recovery. It’s not a good idea to choose impulsively. When we attend meetings, we listen closely as people qualify or share. We’ll hear people who have the serenity and sober experience we ourselves want. If we hear someone we think we’d like to ask t o be our sponsor, we try phoning or going out for coffee with him or her first. We take a little time. We soon know whether or not we have the willingness to share and to listen. We sense whether this is someone whose guidance we can trust.

Sponsors should have a minimum of one year of recovery. It’s suggested that a sponsor’s gender not be that of his or her sponsee’s sexual preference; for example, a hetero sexual woman generally shouldn’t choose a heterosexual male sponsor. It’s a suggestion, not a rule, meant to keep the way clear, so that sponsors and sponsees don’t’ get distracted from their goal. The goal is continued. Quality recovery—for both the sponsor and the sponsee.

Today, I welcome a sponsor-sponsee relationship that encourages and supports my recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 28 ----

Sincerity is the foundation of the spiritual life.
ALBERT SCHWEITZER

Newcomer
I started out with a temporary sponsor. She was the one who spoke to me first. She seemed to like me and to have real concern for how I was doing as a newcomer. At first, we talked a lot. She knew what being a newcomer was like and said some things that went pretty deep.

Then she became hard to reach. She took her time returning my calls, and when I finally asked if something was wrong, she said she thought I should get a regular sponsor. I was angry and hurt. We’d worked together so well at first.

Sponsor
Some people prefer working with newcomers, helping them through the roller coaster of early recovery, but aren’t available as long-term sponsors. Whatever the underlying reasons, it’s preference—just as some parents take more naturally to parenting very young, dependent children, while others have an easier time with kids who can walk and talk and read books. There’s nothing wrong with that—it’s just a fact.

Of course, it helps if a sponsor is clear with us from the beginning about the limits of his or her availability. Confusion sets in when people send us mixed signals. I don’t know all the specifics of what occurred between you and your interim sponsor, or whether there was a clear understanding between the two of you at the outset. But what is perfectly clear is her last message: when she suggested that you find another sponsor, then stopped returning calls, she let you know that she was no longer available to you.

I respect your desire to extend the relationship with your temporary sponsor; I, too, can still feel the power of my first attachments in this program. But when someone says no to us, it’s wise to believe what they say. It’s freedom.


Today, I remember that many people are willing to help me on my path.