Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - January

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January 1

Why Start the New Year Numb?

The truly happy New Year's Day is a sober one. On December 3 I, people gather, many of them intoxicated with alcohol, and exclaim, Happy New Year! Alcohol makes people feel better because it numbs the distress they are experiencing. No one uses anesthetic to eliminate good feelings. People who have had sobriety during the year do not need to be anesthetized to greet the New Year. They can look back on a period of personal growth because each day was an achievement, bringing new strength and skills. A year of sobriety can be enjoyed with pride.

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January 2

Dealing with Anger.

During active addiction, we either kill emotions with chemicals or cast away inhibitions and act out emotions. Neither of these approaches is healthy or tolerable. There is a difference between feeling and reacting. If you do perceive anger, you have a choice of how to react. With sober judgment, you can choose the most prudent response. You may decide kicking and screaming will make more noise than sense, and delay your response until you can deliver it with calm, deliberate logic, which gives you a much better chance of getting your point across.

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January 3

Learning from Loss.

How can we best deal with adversities resulting from addiction? One recovering woman said, When I lost things that were important to me during my drinking, I was bitter, angry, and rebellious. Now, with a sober mind, I can look back and see this was God's way of taking from me things I did not have good enough sense to give up myself. People years into recovery have stated they never could have achieved growth and maturity in any other way. In talking to families of people in addiction, we point out the necessity for tough love, which must contain both elements: sincere love and requisite firmness.

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January 4

Growth in Sobriety

can provide a feeling of self-worth. One woman said, I used to depend on others to make me feel good. When no one gave me the love I wanted, I decided there must be something wrong with me for needing so much and felt ashamed. As I recovered, I accepted my neediness and became willing to believe God loved me and would bring happiness into my life if I would let Him. I realized God did not give me my needs to use against me, but to enrich my life. God made me a worthwhile person and a loving and lovable woman. When I developed faith that God put goodness in me, I knew I would find it.

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January 5

Family Participation in Recovery

Addictive behavior can be so distressful that when recovery begins, everyone breathes a sigh of relief. But, sobriety results in a marked change in the addict's life-style, and that can be stressful to family members. When a significant change occurs in one member of the family, this calls for changes in other family members. It is important, therefore, that family members share in the recovery process. Family involvement, with Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or counseling with qualified family therapists, can help family members make necessary adjustments so recovery is simpler and more pleasant for all.

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January 6

Face Sobriety with Realistic Expectations

Some people think when they stop using chemicals everything will be okay. But many use chemicals to escape from problems with which they feel unable to cope. When escaping stops, unresolved problems must be confronted, and this may not be an easy task. Fortunately, recovery programs help people know they do have the ability to cope with their problems. With proper help, you can find successful solutions. And as newly discovered skills and strengths help you cope more effectively with reality, life does become more manageable, easier, and even quite pleasant.

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January 7

Growth Requires Courage

Our grandmothers used to say that some discomforts children have are growing pains. They knew growth is rarely without pain. Humans do not have to risk their lives in order to grow, but if we do not wish to live under the oppression of our limitations, we must take risks in expanding our personalities. Trying new things carries a risk of failure, and we must often put our egos on the line. People in the recovery fellowships are fortunate in having the safety net of the program. Nevertheless, growth requires courage, and that is why we pray for the courage to change the things we can.

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January 8

Self-Awareness Brings Self-Improvement

Recovery from chemical dependency requires changing undesirable character traits -- like the desperate attempt by a person with low self-esteem to feel better by belittling others. In recovery, people learn to take their own personality inventories, work their own character defects, and try to make amends for mistakes. This generally results in being less critical of others, as well as bringing about self-improvement. As self-esteem improves with sobriety, there is no longer any need to be critical of and debase others in order to achieve a feeling of superiority.

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January 9

Learn To Let Go of Guilt

We may feel guilty when we fail, even if what we did was ethically correct. This is a serious mistake. Since we do not have control of how something will turn out, there is no reason to feel guilty if the result is unfavorable. All we can do is get the best guidance possible, and be sincere in our intentions. People in recovery have the advantage of being reminded there are things over which we have no control, which we must turn over to a Higher Power. This should help prevent feelings of guilt that might occur when good intentions do not produce desired results.

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January 10

Accept the Promise of Hope

Even in sobriety, depression with despair may occur, and we may feel hopeless when we do not see any way out. People who recover from chemicals, however, may remember times whey they saw and heard things that did not exist, and they realize it is possible to misperceive. This can help them realize that even if things appear hopeless, this too may be a misperception of depression, just as delusions are misperceptions brought on by chemical use. Therefore, we can accept that if we have hope, and continue to push through the darkness, we can eventually see the light of happiness.

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January 11

From Denial to Self-Awareness

Many people are not lying when they say they are not addicted. They are simply unable to see they have lost control, or that there is a relationship between chemical use and what is happening in their lives. Take a careful inventory of what you think, feel, and believe and share that with an objective observer, who may be able to point out misperceptions. Since misperceptions are often rationalizations, it helps if we decide never to defend a mistake, but rather admit it promptly. When denial is overcome, the correct perception of reality leads to better functioning and greater happiness.

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January 12

Learn to Forgive Yourself

One woman wrote, I finally am sober, and even enjoying it. When I finished treatment, I went to meetings, but that was all. I was angry about being an alcoholic, and I didn't know how to live sober. I didn't know why I got another chance. Many people never make it back. Why me? Well, maybe I do deserve it after all. It's terrible not to be able to forgive yourself. While I did things I regret, I can't pinpoint what it was that was so unforgivable. Just as we ask forgiveness from others, we must be able to forgive ourselves. The inability to forgive yourself can stand in the way of your recovery.

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January 13

Sex, Addiction, and Recovery

It is naive to think abstinence from chemicals will eliminate difficulties in sexual relationships. During active addiction, both partners may be subjected to harsh words and abusive behavior. There may have been behavioral indiscretions that can leave deep wounds. Competent counseling is indispensable. It is important the therapist have a thorough understanding of chemical dependency and the factors that occur during addiction and recovery. Lack of such knowledge can result in working at cross-purposes with other recovery resources, and may cause confusion rather than bring resolution.

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January 14

Don't Punish Yourself

Sick people are not bad people. One woman was convinced that because she was alcoholic she was a second-class citizen. She did not accept that she had a disease, and continued to punish herself for being addicted. People who realize addiction is a disease can turn their attention to the business of getting better. People who have other types of diseases do not feel guilty or look for scapegoats. Rather, they try to become as healthy as possible. The same approach should be used with addiction.

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January 15

Positive Thinking Brings Positive Results

Some people hesitate to undertake something, or discontinue it because they feel they are unable to do it. In fact, some people resort to chemicals because they feel unable to cope with stressful situations. As people recover from addiction, they become increasingly aware of their abilities. They can then look back and see how unnecessary it was to escape into chemicals. This awareness of your abilities increases as sobriety progresses, so with each additional increment of sobriety, the recovering person feels more efficient, more capable, and more likable.