Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2023

[bluidkiti]

January 2

Quote of the Week

"If I’m feeling hysterical, it must be historical."

Before recovery, I often wondered why little things caused such big reactions in me. I was often filled with rage when somebody drove too slowly, or I hurt for days over someone’s negative comments about me. Other things that didn’t go my way often caused oversized reactions, leaving me confused and resentful. I suffered many painful emotional hangovers from these events, and this only fueled my drinking—which led to a different kind of hangover.

By doing my Step work, I began to untangle the strings of my emotional past. Through journaling and inventories, I learned to look beyond these events and to the real causes of my feelings. What I uncovered were the old wounds and hurts from long ago, the historical causes and conditions of my hysterical reactions. Once I recognized that events were merely buttons triggering old feelings, my real emotional recovery began.

Today, I recognize uncomfortable feelings for what they are: guides into emotional areas that still need healing. I use questions to help me deal with these old wounds. “What is really behind this reaction?” “What can I do, right now, to soothe myself?” Where is the path to recovery here?” These kinds of questions are the tools I use to help me heal, and so avoid the bigger-than-life reactions that used to make my life unmanageable. Today, I uncover, discover, and discard those old hurts.

[bluidkiti]

January 9

Quote of the Week

"Listen for the similarities, not the differences."

Before my first-ever meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was scared and didn’t know what to expect. My friend made this suggestion to me, and it allowed me to pay closer attention; it also helped me to identify and see how I might fit in. I kept listening for the similarities during other meetings I attended, and each time I did I recognized pieces of myself, and I heard my story come out of the mouths of others. Soon I knew I belonged.

In addition to identifying with others in this way, I also saw the similarities in the different stages of recovery that people went through. Each time members shared their experience of using the Twelve Steps to meet life on life’s terms, I saw how my own journey of recovery would soon mirror theirs, and this gave me the strength to begin dealing with some difficult situations in my own life. Seeing others recover through the program also filled me with the hope that I would recover also.

Like many of the lessons I’ve learned in the program, I now apply this one in all areas of my life. Listening for the similarities in other people’s experience—at work, at home, and in relationships—has increased my empathy for others, as well as myself. Doing this has helped me feel not only a part of the program, but a part of life again as well. Today, I’m quick to see how my experience and life journey are similar to others, which helps keep me connected, humble, and happy.

[bluidkiti]

January 16

Quote of the Week

"If you don’t have hope, then death is just a formality."

Before recovery, my life was spiraling out of control, and each area just got worse and worse. I didn’t have a job, and I didn’t want one; I had no intimate relationships, and even my casual friends had stopped calling. Worse perhaps was that I had lost hope of my future ever getting better. In some of the darker hours, death didn’t seem so bad. . . .

For a while, the only glimmer of hope I had came from the first few drinks I took. This instant euphoria didn’t last, however, and soon I was once again mired in the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization of my alcoholic bottom. Standing at a jumping-off place, I could either continue to spiral down, or I could reach out for help. It was only when I finally surrendered that some hope began to return.

I first saw this hope on the faces of people in meetings, and I heard it in their stories. One by one, I heard stories of fearful bottoms and of lives now reborn. It was exhilarating to witness the miracles taking place in their lives. Soon I believed there might be a miracle waiting for me, too. As I stuck around and worked the program, I found that I had begun to live again. Considering where I had come from, that was the miracle I had been waiting for.

[bluidkiti]

January 23

Quote of the Week

"The First Step is the only Step a person can work perfectly."

I have been a perfectionist most of my life, but I didn’t realize it. When I’d start something, I would do it slowly, carefully. If it started going wrong, or not to my perfectionist standards, I’d quit. Because of this, I just thought I was a quitter, a failure. When I look back on my life before recovery, I see a string of projects, goals, and opportunities started, but rarely finished. Driven by an obsessive need to be perfect, I had a low opinion of my accomplishments and entered recovery with low expectations for success there as well.

When I read through the Twelve Steps for the first time, my perfectionism kicked in. Reading Steps Two and Three, I already felt defeated because I had very mixed feelings about God. Reading Step Nine made me want to give up, as there was no way I could make complete amends without declaring bankruptcy and going to prison. I was ready to go back out until I told my sponsor my feelings. He reassured me that nobody works the Steps perfectly, and that is why we strive for “progress, not perfection.” He told me that the only thing we do perfectly is work Step One and stay sober one day at a time. I told him that was something I could try to do.

Over the years, I’ve come to see how important following Step One is. While I may not do the rest of the Steps perfectly, as long as I’m sober, I have a chance to do them better tomorrow. Giving up the obsessive need to work my program perfectly has allowed me to persevere and do it to the best of my ability at that time. And as I do, I get better in every way, which allows me to continue growing in sobriety. My recovery continues to be a work in progress, and it starts by being perfect where I can—with Step One.

[bluidkiti]

January 30

Quote of the Week

"Welcome to A.A., the place where you grow up in public."

After a few months in the program, I began hearing people share that their emotional development stopped at the age they started drinking. They said they felt as if they had the coping skills, and the emotional responses to situations and people, that they had when they were teenagers—or younger. I was seventeen when I started drinking, and I, too, felt baffled by how to deal with people, places, and things. Many of my reactions were that of a selfish and self-centered adolescent.

When I started working the Steps, I heard another saying that people also felt as if they had missed that day at school when they handed out the instruction manual to life. I really related to that. The good news, my sponsor assured me, was that the Twelve Steps would provide the best instruction ever, and that I only had to be rigorously honest and willing throughout the process. As I uncovered, discovered, and discarded my old self, and built a relationship with my Higher Power, I began to grow up. But it wasn’t always pretty.

I made a lot of mistakes as I evolved and changed over the years. It was often embarrassing, and sometimes even a little humiliating, to admit my mistakes and some of my ongoing selfish thoughts and behaviors during meetings with other people. But the acceptance I found, the identification and support I received, made it safe to discover myself and grow into the man I am today. And the laughter! When I learned to laugh at myself, I learned to forgive myself. And that’s what made growing up in public possible, and even enjoyable at times.

[bluidkiti]

February 6

"A God small enough for me to understand wouldn’t be large enough for me to trust."

What a stumbling block the “God” thing was for me in the beginning of my recovery. Having a religious upbringing, I was afraid of God and after a while rejected the whole idea outright. I mean, how could there be a God if children got cancer and wars in His name still ravaged the world? And now I was told that my very life and recovery were dependent on my ability to forge a relationship with God? What was I going to do?

The key for me was reframing the “God concept” as simply a Power greater than myself. This put the mystery back in it for me, and suddenly I didn’t have to understand how God worked, and I didn’t have to explain anything either. My proof of God was now clear enough. God could do something that I alone couldn’t do, and that was relieve me of the desire to drink and use.

Today, my concept and understanding of God doesn’t get clearer, it gets more expansive. I’ve become more accepting of God’s will, and time and time again find that things often work out for the best—despite what I initially thought. I’ve stopped trying to explain who or what God is and know that the infinite reality of the divine will always be beyond my finite understanding. Today, I am able to live in faith.

[bluidkiti]

February 13

Quote of the Week

"Be as enthusiastic about your recovery as you were about your addiction."

When my sponsor asked me if I was willing to go to any lengths to get sobriety, I balked. I had been going to meetings for almost 60 days, and I had an idea what he meant. He was suggesting that I go to “ninety in ninety” meetings, get a home group, take commitments, write inventories, be willing to go on Twelve Step calls when it wasn’t convenient, and so on. Sounded like a lot of work to me. I wasn’t sure I could make that much of an open-ended commitment.

As I continued to resist the idea of going all in, he asked me about my drinking and drug use. He asked if I had been willing to do whatever—whenever it was necessary—to party, drink, and score drugs. “Oh, yeah!” came my enthusiastic reply. I then recounted many instances when I drove miles and miles, at all hours of the day or night, to get loaded. It didn’t matter if it was raining or hot, if I had to ride a bicycle, take a bus, or walk. I was totally committed to my addiction. After we finished talking, I got what he was driving at.

Once I dived into my recovery with the same level of commitment I devoted to drinking and using, things quickly turned around for me. I did get that home group and commitments, and very soon I learned to look forward to them. I made many fearless and thorough inventories, and I owned up to my side of the street. I soon experienced the freedom and hope that came from doing that. By becoming as enthusiastic about my recovery as I had been about my addiction, I became enthusiastic about my life again. And today, I still am.

[bluidkiti]

February 20

Quote of the Week

"You can’t fix your thinking with your thinking."

When I was new to recovery and the fog lifted a bit, I began to make plans for my life again. Now that I wasn’t drunk all the time, I suddenly thought of all the money I could make and how happy I would be in that new home I would someday buy on the beach. I began thinking about finding and marrying “her,” and thought that within a year I would have that perfect relationship. I was also convinced that I would have a bestseller published and would probably even be flying around the world as a circuit speaker in the program.

As I began sharing these thoughts with my sponsor, he suggested I concentrate on turning my will and my life over to God instead. When I tried arguing with him about how my vision for my future was probably better, he reminded me that my own best thinking got me to a seat in Alcoholics Anonymous. When I pointed out that I was sober now and that my thinking was clearer, he asked me what Step I was on. “Two,” I replied. “You might want to wait until you work all the Steps before you think about becoming a circuit speaker,” was his suggestion.

He also suggested that I not make any major changes in the first year, and I am so glad I took that advice. What I’ve found is that the more time in recovery I have, the more I don’t want what I thought I did. I now know that money, property, and prestige will never fill the hole I feel, and the answer I’m looking for won’t come from my own thinking. Today, I know that my really good ideas are rarely that, and that my best thinking is almost always centered on me. This will never bring me the results I truly want. Now I know that only God can fix my thinking and my life, and today, I let Him.

[bluidkiti]

February 27

Quote of the Week

"It is easier to resist the bait than to struggle on the hook."

I can’t tell you the number of times I swore I wasn’t going to drink. Then I’d begin reasoning that just one drink wouldn’t be so bad. In a matter of minutes, I’d rationalize those two drinks—okay, maybe three max—for an evening or party should be perfectly controllable. But once that first drink went down my throat, the phenomenon of craving took over, and then the allergy of the body left me utterly defenseless as to how much I would end up drinking. One drink, and I was hooked.

I didn’t know anything about alcoholism when I entered the rooms. I had no idea about the allergy or about the craving. And I especially couldn’t understand it when I heard people say, “It’s the first drink that gets you drunk.” But it’s the sixth or seventh drink that gets you drunk, I’d think. And that was when my sponsor had me do an inventory on my drinking career. Turns out, they were right.

I now know that, as an alcoholic, I cannot take that first drink. Even with years of recovery, I know that I am still defenseless against the disease, and that one drink would once again kick-start the allergy and the craving. My only hope is to resist the bait. I shiver to think what it would be like to be hooked again on the disease. It’s truly frightening. Today, I’m grateful that my spiritual condition gives me the strength to resist picking up that drink. It truly is easier to resist the bait than to struggle with active alcoholism.

[bluidkiti]

March 6

Quote of the Week

"The Power behind me is bigger than the problem in front of me."

In the past, I faced life alone. It was up to me to manage everything I had, to arrange things to get what I wanted, and to solve the problems I encountered. This was an exhausting task, and at times the mere thought of my current problems, or problems unforeseen, would overwhelm me, leaving me depressed and listless. How can I keep getting up in the morning feeling this way? was a thought I often had.

In the rooms of recovery, the first great relief I had came from the energy of the collective spirit I felt from all the people who had already recovered. Suddenly, I was no longer alone, and now I, too, had access to solutions and a new way of living and dealing with life. Most important of all, I discovered a Power greater than myself, and I grew to trust and rely upon this Power that I now call God.

Today, after years of trying and relying on this Power, I have the confidence that comes from faith, because I know that by relying on God’s solutions to my life and problems, I am always taken care of. Whenever I remember to include or turn to God for life’s answers, I am amazed and delighted by how problems melt, situations change, and my life flows like the river of peace I believe God is. Today, I have faith that the Power behind me is bigger than the problem in front of me.

[bluidkiti]

March 13

Quote of the Week

"If you are feeling far away from God, you are the one who moved."

I remember sitting in meeting after meeting hearing people describe their concept of God. The one that resonated with me the most wasn’t a God who caused or allowed good or bad things to happen, or who punished or rewarded behavior, but rather the concept of a peaceful river. One woman spoke of her God whose love and peace flowed like a river, and the river was always there. It was always available to her as a constant source of serenity, understanding, and forgiveness.

She shared that whenever she was feeling scared, agitated, or discontented, it was a sure sign that she had wandered away from the river of God. The further she strayed and got caught up in chasing people, property, or prestige, the worse she felt. Sometimes she traveled for days and would find herself lost, seemingly alone, and quite afraid.

During those times, she needed only to stop and listen for the distant sound of the river. Immediately she would make her way back, and as she drew closer, the familiar feelings of peace and comfort would return. Once she was back at the river’s edge, serenity returned, and she was filled with gratitude knowing that God’s grace and love were always available to her. For me, the presence of God is like this river. And I know that if I’m feeling far away from God, then I’m the one who has moved.

[bluidkiti]

March 20

Quote of the Week

"Meeting makers make it."

When I was ninety days sober, I saw a guy take a seven-year anniversary cake. He talked about how grateful he was, about his sponsor and sponsees, and how he still went to at least five meetings every week. I was appalled! Seven years sober and he still went to that many meetings?! In fact, still went to meetings at all? If he could go seven years without a drink, wasn’t he better by now?

After the meeting, I asked my sponsor how long I would have to go to meetings. He said I’d have to keep going until I wanted to go to meetings. This made no sense to me at the time because going to meetings didn’t seem to be an option, but rather an obligation. I knew that if I didn’t go, then I’d soon be drinking and using again. I also harbored the idea that one day I would graduate. I’d learn how to control the urge to drink and would be normal again. I soon learned differently.

The longer I went to meetings, the more I discovered that those people celebrating anniversaries for longer-term sobriety were the same ones who consistently went to meetings. The other people whom I saw occasionally, and then stopped seeing, eventually went out. And that’s when I made the connection: Meeting makers make it. I realized that to retain the sense of ease and comfort I’d found, I needed to keep receiving the message of experience, strength, and hope I heard in meetings. Today, gratefully, I want to keep attending meetings, and now as an “old-timer,” I realize that by consistently making meetings, I’ve been able to keep making it.

[bluidkiti]

March 27

Quote of the Week

"If you don’t change, your sobriety date will."

When I was new, it was suggested that I begin making some changes. First, it was recommended that I go to ninety meetings in ninety days. Next, it was suggested I get a sponsor, read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, and start working the Steps. My sponsor also suggested I stop hanging around my drinking buddies—and not start dating for at least a year. A lot of my life was changing except the most important part: me.

For the first several months, I felt like I was auditing the program more than I felt like I was totally committed. The old me couldn’t wrap my head around the concept of never drinking again. When you told me I needed to be willing to go to any lengths to get what you had, I wasn’t sure what it was that you did have and wasn’t sure I wanted it. It’s no wonder that at ninety days, facing the Fourth Step, I chose to drink again.

Luckily I took your suggestion and kept coming back to meetings. I didn’t do it perfectly—I drank between meetings sometimes—but I did keep trying. Finally, someone I respected confronted me after my regular Saturday night meeting. I had raised my hand as a newcomer yet again, and afterward he got in my face. While everyone else had been understanding and encouraging, he had had enough. “Quite f@#king around!” he snapped at me. “This isn’t a game. You need to stay sober and work the program.” Well, that was the wake-up call I needed. I committed to the program and all the changes that were asked of me. And I haven’t had to change my sobriety date since.

[bluidkiti]

April 3

Quote of the Week

"What other people think of me is none of my business."

How much of my time and energy have I spent worrying about what other people think of me? “Too much,” is the short answer. Before recovery, I had few boundaries and little sense of self. How I felt about myself and my life was largely determined by whether other people approved of me or not. With no internal awareness, other people’s likes and dislikes, moods and opinions were the compass I used to evaluate and direct my emotional life. This exhausted me and contributed to the bottom that drove me into the program.

Thank God for recovery through the Twelve Steps. In particular, while writing my Fourth Step inventory, the “my part” fourth column, I found the freedom and encouragement to discover and validate my own feelings. This process continued as my sponsor helped me take the focus off others and taught me to look within for my own truth. At first this was an unfamiliar and uncomfortable process, but it was the only path to the security, confidence, and peace I had always craved.

Today, I’ve come to honor and welcome my feelings, and I now trust and rely on them as the ultimate validation for my sense of self. I recognize that other people have their own thoughts and opinions, and they are valid for them. But today, there is a boundary between the two, and my opinion and acceptance of myself are no longer linked to other people’s approval. Today, I enjoy the freedom and empowerment that come from respecting, and even loving, myself.

[bluidkiti]

April 10

Quote of the Week

"If I’m not the problem, then there is no solution."

When I came into the program, I had a lot of problems, and most of them were your fault. My girlfriend didn’t understand me, my boss didn’t appreciate me, the police didn’t like it when I drove after just a few drinks (I was fine!), and on and on. If everyone would just get off my back, then I’d be fine, I thought. After a while, I felt like the whole world was against me.

As I began working the program, I was introduced to the Fourth Step and was instructed to make a searching and fearless moral inventory. My sponsor showed me how to make a list of all the persons and institutions I resented. Finally, I could document how I had been wronged. Perfect! I thought. But then he slipped in a fourth column called “my part” and told me to include my role in all my resentments and interactions. Now, that was unfair, I thought.

With his help, however, and my willingness to be fearless and thorough, I was able to see that I did have a part in them all. And what a gift that turned out to be. I discovered that if it was all your fault—and I certainly couldn’t control or change you—then I would forever be a victim, and nothing would change. But if I took responsibility for my part, which was something I could control and change, then I was released from the bondage of resentment and was finally free to live a new and better life. Today, I understand the wisdom in this quote and choose to keep my side of the street clean.