If You Want What We Have

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

---- 1 ----
Whatever happens at all happens as it should.
Marcus Aurelius Antonius


New Comer
I came to this meeting, but I don’t know if I belong here. I just don’t know.


Sponsor
We have a saying: “Nobody gets here by mistake.” For many of us, this means that something inside us knows we need help and that we’re in the process of becoming willing to accept it. Some of us are drawn here thinking, at first, that we’ve come because of someone else’s problems; then we discover that we’ve also come for ourselves. Some of us sense immediately that we belong here; some come to this feeling over time; some never feel they belong. Our arriving at the first meeting can seem mysterious until we realize how unlikely it is for a person with no relationship to addiction whatsoever to show up here.

Since you can’t decide whether you belong her or not, why not stay? Consider it a gift that’s been offered you, a chance to explore your relationship to addiction. You are entitled to be here. The only “qualification” for membership is a desire to quit our addictive substance or behavior. Unless you cause a disruption, no one’s going to ask you to leave a meeting. Relax, sit back, and listen. See if you identify with any of the feelings that you hear people share, whether or not their specific life experiences mirror yours. If you keep coming, more will be revealed in time.

Today, I am where I’m supposed to be.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 2 ----
We know the truth, not only by the reason, but by the heart.
Blaise Pascla


Newcomer
I’m not sure I qualify to be in this program. I wasn’t that bad – I hear stories that are so much worse than mine.

Sponsor
There’s a joke about a group of friends standing at their drinking buddy’s graveside with his widow, all of them shaking their heads and saying, “I don’t understand it – he wasn’t that bad.”

Who qualifies for a Twelve Step program? The answer doesn’t lie simple in the quantities of a substance consumed or in the frequency of an unwanted behavior. More telling is whether or not we have a choice. It’s useful to make a list of times we remember using in spite of intention not to and a list of times when using took us places we never meant to go, made us do things we never meant to do. Perhaps we’ll recall many such situations, perhaps only a few. The number is less important that our willingness to look back at our memories, and the feelings accompanying them, without censoring ourselves. Something inside us brought us here; it’s up to each of us to take an honest look at what that was.


Today, I look honestly at times when I have been powerless over this addiction. I acknowledge the ways it has made my life unmanageable.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 3 ----
A man takes a drink, the drink takes another, and the drink takes the man.
Sinclair Lewis

Newcomer

I’ve heard Alcoholics Anonymous members say, “It’s the first drink that gets you drunk,” and Overeaters Anonymous members say, “Don’t take that first compulsive bite.” It seems a little extreme. Don’t Twelve Step programs allow for the possibility of doing things in moderation?


Sponsor

There are numerous stories of addicted people who started with the idea that they’d have “just one” of whatever it was. Hours, days, or weeks later, they were still in the middle of a binge. Most of us, when we were active in our addictions, promised ourselves repeatedly that we’d be moderate, though we’d already accumulated plenty of evidence that we lacked the desire and the capacity for moderation. One we started using, no matter how seemingly insignificant the beginning, we were under the control of our addiction. We experienced a craving that no quantity of a drug or repetition of and additive behavior could satisfy.

There are people on this planet who leave wine unfinished in their glasses and food uneaten on their plates. There are people who can do in moderation what people filling the seats at meetings couldn’t stop doing, once they started. But we are not those people. If we’ve suffered from an addiction enough to come here for treatment, why would we want to keep playing with denial?


Today, I’m strengthened by accepting my need to take special measures to protect my health and recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 4 ----
Later is now.
Roseanne Barr


Newcomer
I guess I do have some addiction problems, but right now is a terrible time for me. I know you’d like me to be more involved, use the program more, but I need time—there’s something else I have to deal with first. I’ve tried talking about it at meetings, but no one really has much understanding of my particular problem.

Sponsor
I do respect the fact that there are pressing problems in your life and that you are going to have to face them. Addiction is, in one sense, a response to underlying issues we all have to deal with. And in addition to our inner problems, many of us enter recovery in the midst of some crisis—serious illness, separation, overdue taxes, even homelessness are situations some of us have had to face while newly recovering. I agree that your problems are real ones. But putting off recovery is not likely to help you with them. It may make things worse.

While I may not be able to help with the specifics of your situation, I can be here to share my experience, strength, and hope as a person in recovery. Recovery is the foundation of my life today. I make it my highest priority, and as time goes on I find the help and strength I need to resolve everything else I have to deal with. If you, too, have the willingness to face your addiction and show up for your recovery, I’m willing to be here.

Today, I let go of all obstacles to recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 5 ----
Life is not made up of yesterdays only.
Carl Jung

Newcomer
I heard a bunch of jargon at the meeting I went to last night. I didn’t understand any of it. What does “ninety in ninety” mean?

Sponsor
I can understand your bewilderment at unfamiliar program phrases and customs. In the beginning, it may feel as if we’re participating in a culture that’s new to us. I’m glad I can help, and if I’m not here to translate, almost anyone you see at a meeting would be happy to explain unfamiliar expressions.

“Ninety in ninety” is an abbreviated way of saying, “Go to ninety meetings in ninety day.” One of the strongest suggestions this program makes to newcomers is to attend a meeting every day for at least the first three months. Intermittent attendance, a few meetings here or there, won’t provide enough information about whether we belong here or not. Ninety days of meetings can make it clear.

At first, it may sound like a lot. But when we think of the time we have given to our addiction—pursuing it, trying to control it, acting on it, feeling sick and guilty about it—then an hour or an hour and a half doesn’t seem like too much of a commitment. Meetings create a sense of belonging to a community and a solid basis of support over time. It’s such a good use of time; and hour in a room with my peers gives me a reserve of strength and hope for an entire day.

Today, I am part of a community of people in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 6 ----
It’s not what you were, it’s what you are today.

Newcomer
I get the general idea of “ninety meeting in ninety days.” But aren’t there any exceptions? Some days, like on the weekends, I have time to go to more than one, but later in the week, when I’m exhausted from work, I’d sometimes rather go to a movie or go to bed early.


Sponsor
No one takes attendance; no one expects perfection. But why deprive yourself? In this program, we stay away from addiction a day at a time. At the beginning of recovery, especially if we’re going through a process of detoxification, twenty-four hours can seem endless. Going through a whole day of early recovery on our own may be bewildering and anxiety-producing. Why “white-knuckle it” when help is available at a meeting?

Anticipating a meeting at the lunch hour or at the end of a workday gives me a kind of safety net. Knowing throughout the day that I’m headed for a place where recovery is the top priority can help me through hard moments—I anticipate the meeting, instead of my preferred drug or compulsive behavior. Some of us prefer to begin the day with an early-morning meeting that helps us face the hours ahead calmly.

Each new day offers us new challenges, new opportunities for our addictions to flex their muscles. Going to a meeting can strengthen our spirits and help ensure our continuing recovery.

Today, I further my recovery by going to a meeting.

[bluidkiti]

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 7 ----
Fortunately, time, rather than intelligence or study, eventually helps us see the other side of things.




Newcomer
I don’t think these meetings do enough. Some people come in with their health in terrible shape. Someone should be evaluating them! I think I should be getting vitamin B shots. I’m angry that such important things are being ignored.

Sponsor
You may very well need extra vitamins; nutrition sounds like something you might be ready to look into. You may want to see a doctor, a nutritionist, or both. I support you in your desire to get help with the ways you have neglected your health. And I understand that you feel angry at not being taken care of.

One reason that this program works for me is that it respects my decision to seek help, if and when I choose to, from the people and institutions I trust. It doesn’t get into the business of dispensing medical advice, diets, vitamins, or exercise plans, any more than it tells me where to pray, how to earn a living, or whom to vote for. The group doesn’t hire experts to come tell us how to run our lives, and we don’t have to be covered by insurance to come to a meeting. Each of us here is an expert on just one thing; our own experience of addiction and recovery. You might say that we’re specialists!

Today, I appreciate the gift of my experience. I add one new thing to my knowledge of how to take care of my health—physical, mental, and spiritual.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 8 ----
…that they may solve their common problem…
ALCOHOLICS ANNONYMOUS PREAMBLE



Newcomer
When they say we’re here to solve our common problems, I’m really put off. Adults should be able to handle their problems on their own, shouldn’t they?

Sponsor
We don’t go to meetings to solve our “problems” but rather our “problem”—singular. Meeting address the problem none of us could solve on our own; the disease of addiction.

I can identify with your discomfort at the thought of accepting help from a group of people. I’ve always wanted to think of myself as independent. Talking about what’s bothering me feels like I’m risking my pride, my privacy, and my autonomy.

Deep down, though, I care a great deal about what other people think of me. I’m afraid that if they really get to know me, they’ll find out I’m not good enough. I’m afraid they’ll want more from me than I’m capable of giving. I’d rather believe that I don’t need others than risk being challenged or let down by them.

I’m not alone in having these fears and resentments of others. Most of us who’ve resorted to addictive substances or behaviors have problems in our relationships with other people.

When, through the help of other recovering people, we solve our common problem of addiction, we become truly independent. We’re free of our deadly attachment to a drug. We’re free to acknowledge our connections with other human beings.

Today, I add the word “help” to my vocabulary.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 9 ----

Which way lay safety? Which way life?

JACQUESE LUSSEYRAN




Newcomer
What would be the harm of using in moderation? The rest of the world does it. I have to admit that I feel deprived, even somewhat resentful.


Sponsor
When I was free to use in moderation, how moderate was I? Was my relationship with certain substances and behaviors easy and comfortable, one that created no problems for me or others? Was it easy for me to stop, once I get started? Was it easy for me to stay stopped, if I chose to? It’s easy to slip back into denial about the seriousness of my problem, once I’ve gotten some momentary feeling of control.

Some of us consumed our addictive substances in smaller quantities than others did. Some of us are taller or thinner or shorter or younger; some spent more years in school; some can enjoy strawberries without breaking out in a rash. I can easily point to the differences between me and others; there are plenty!

Or I can to meetings, listen and see if there are feelings with which I identify. The addictions that call to us will always be there, if we decide to go back to them. For today, there’s no hurry to return to old habits. Let’s keep an open mind, as we go through today without putting our recovery at risk.


I look honestly at my previous life and remember what feelings and situations got me here.

For today, I give myself the chance for recovery

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 10 ----
The war is over.
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS

Newcomer
I’m trying to understand the First Step, and I’m really stuck on the word “powerless.” I’m not weak; I don’t want to be called powerless. It really insults my intelligence.

Sponsor
Let’s take a look at this part of the First Step together. It doesn’t simply say, “We admitted we were powerless.” Far from it. It says that we were powerless over something. We recognized that a specific substance or behavior had proved stronger than our determination not to consume it or engage in it. Choosing recovery does not mean that we are weak, but it does offer us an opportunity to surrender. Accepting the truth that we have an addiction is an easier way for us to change our addictive behavior than continuously fighting with it. When I resist, my enemy just seems to get stronger. So instead, I accept that there are some things I can’t control. That acceptance becomes a source of enormous power.

Today, I empty my hands and let go of my weapons.
I admit that addiction has played a role in my life.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 11 ----
May you live all the days of your life.
JONATHAN SWIFT

Newcomer
I’m confused about the wording of the second part of the First Step. When people say, “My life had become unmanageable,” they don’t all seem to mean the same thing. For some it’s a big deal if they have a messy house or unpaid bills; another person says he has lost everything, but seems totally calm about it. I don’t know if my life is unmanageable or not. Just what is “unmanageability”?


Sponsor
People who manage offices, theaters, restaurants, classrooms—you name it—are responsible for lots of planning and decision making. Periodically, they have to reevaluate. They may ask, “What results did we get from taking the actions we took? What can we do more effectively?” Managing our live is similar. Life used to just happen to me; I reacted to events, often feeling like a victim. When I acted on impulse, then looked for reason for what I’d done, I wasn’t managing anything. Today, I can see the range of choices available to me, now that my life isn’t dedicated to serving my addiction. In recovery, we’re responsible for finding out how we want to live, where, and with whom—what our true preferences are. Our disease made our lives unmanageable, but we are no longer victims when we take back the responsibility for our decisions in recovery.


Today, I am free to make decisions that help
bring about the life I want for myself.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 12 ----
Let the counsel of thine own heart stand.
APOCRYPHA

Newcomer

I’ve told one or two old friends that I’ve started going to meeting of a Twelve Step Program. One of them is very dubious about it. When I talked about being a addicted, she said she’d never thought of me as having a serious problem. Maybe she’s right—she’s known me for a long time.

Sponsor
It’s ultimately our own deep discomfort that tells us we have a problem. Our friends, our families, and even our doctors may have told us that they want us to get help—or they may have said that they don’t believe we have a serious problem. Do they know the whole truth about us? We may have hidden our addiction from them. They may not be adequately informed about what addiction is. Or they themselves may be in denial, on order not to have to look at their own relationship to addiction.

Friends who aren’t facing a life-and-death disease may not understand that what I’m doing her is saving my life. They may think that I’m exaggerating my problem or that I’m simply caught up in a trend. Such opinions appeal to me at times, when I’d rather not have to face what I know to be true in the depths of my being.

We can’t let others “vote” on our decision to enter recovery—it’s up to us to know our own truth and respect it.

Today, I won my need for recovery.
I don’t argue about it, with myself or with others.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 13 ----
The day is a gift of the universe.

KATHLEEN CULVER

Newcomer
I don’t want to disappoint the people who count on me, but I’m afraid to promise that I’ll stick to this recovery stuff forever. I don’t know if I can do it. Frankly, I feel suffocated by the idea of never using anything ever again, of going to meetings for years—I can’t imagine spending my whole life in recovery.


Sponsor
The span of a whole life is impossible to imagine. We have no idea how long we’re going to live, what unforeseen things will take place in our lifetime, or even how a small choice we make today may in some way change the person we grow to be tomorrow. If I try to imagine doing anything “forever” or “for my whole life,” I’m overwhelmed. Fortunately, no one here is asking me to promise that. The program suggests only that we get through one day—today—without using an addictive substance. Yesterday is over. Tomorrow is not here yet. My whole life is now, and now is all that need concern me. Sometimes even a twenty-four-hour period feels overwhelming, so I break it down into hours and go through the day an hour at a time. Some day I’ve even had to think in term of just one minute at a time. Using substances we’re addicted to comes naturally to us; a day in which we choose recovery instead is a highly successful day.


I let go of yesterday and tomorrow. I choose recovery for today.

[schell81208]

If you want what we have we must go to any lengths to stay away from mind altering chemicals of any sort, even that which we can't drink, snort, or pull a slot machine...things maybe food, or compulsive spending...these are all a disease of the mind, body and spirit...Just for today , for this minute I have the choice to use the tools I have learned in the program, from others in meetings, from my sponsor and the fellowship...I can choose the joy of life, rather than the pain of active addiction...hearing a newcomer speak at his or her first meetings...is a gift we all need ...bringing me back seeing what it was really like...reading the BB and other literature, journalling , and working the steps in my life today...I am given the amazing opportunity to be alive and sober today...I shouldn't be here today..and it took me many back and forths before I wanted what you all have....change is not easy, nor is it impossible...when the pain of remaining the same , becomes greater than that fear of change...well nobody likes pain, I could "continue to the bitter end, blotting out my existence with chemicals, or I could humble myself to admitting I am powerless over those things. The hardest thing I did was say I am an alcoholic for the first time...If you want what we have , I was told what lengths will you go to? I drank everyday...had excuses (lies mostly) why I couldn't go to a meeting, its too far, too rainy or snowy I am too tired, etc....my sponsor would say to what lengths would you go to to get a drink tonight, or how many miles would you drive for your drugs? She had me there....I would have to go to any lengths for sobriety just as I did for my chemicals...and boy I sure did go any lengths for those!! Like I said I am grateful to all things spiritual and all of you who were instrumental in sobriety...and as they say, they say , the longer we stick around the more miracles we will see. Peace, Schell

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 14 ----
The truth can be spoken only by someone
who already lives inside it.
LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN

Newcomer

Some of the expressions people use to talk about recovery sounds sickeningly sweet to me. On my first day, someone I’d never seen before said to me, “Welcome to our fellowship.” It makes my skin crawl when they say that kind of thing. And all those slogans! They make me wonder if people in recovery can think for themselves.

Sponsor

I can identify with you. In early recovery, I felt uncomfortable when people reached out to me. I had been impatient and cynical for a long time; I was suspicious of positive statements and looked down on people who made them. My habit of finding fault came in hand when somebody challenged my old ways of thinking. It was easier to criticize others than to look at myself.

It’s funny: when I was active in my addiction, I rarely complained of how tedious and repetitive my life had become. I had surrounded myself with people who enabled my addiction. I must have sounded like a broken record as I justified my addiction in spite of the consequences. Today, my focus is no longer on likes and dislikes. Instead of dismissing people without really looking or listening, I can go deeper and see what’s true for me in whatever they are saying.

In recovery, free of the need to make snap judgments, we can begin to listen in a new way.

Today, I listen without judging. I cultivate
respect and tenderness for others and for myself.