If You Want What We Have

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A beginning, even the smallest, is all that is needed.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS

Newcomer
I don’t have much faith in anything. How can I possible take Step Three, turn my will and my life over to the care of God—even “God as we understood Him” –when I’m having so much difficulty believing and trusting? Where do you people get your faith? Is it for real?

Sponsor
You’re not alone in thinking you lack faith; many of us entered recovery feeling that way. But, in fact, we do have faith, even if we ourselves can’t see it yet: faith that this program can help us with the problem of our addictions.

Our willingness to try recovery is a significant beginning. By showing up, we’ve begun to take Step Three. Whatever our creed, or our refusal to embrace one, we do have the willingness to try this program. What eventually may come from this beginning is not something we have to worry about. The actions we take today are all we need concern ourselves with. In the present, our willingness to follow the program frees us from having to depend on an addiction.

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It is improper for us to stoop in order to please.
JEAN PAUL SARTRE

Newcomer
I used to be arrogant about everything. I always had to be right. I constantly feared that people were trying to take advantage of me. Now I listen to others, take suggestions, and try to be helpful. I’m constantly being guided by others people—I guess I’ve turned my will over.

Sponsor
Turning our will and our lives over to the care of another human being may not be such a good idea. Sponsors, therapists, doctors, teachers, people practicing Twelve Step recovery—any of them may give us useful guidance, but they are all human. We can listen to what they have to say, keeping an open mind. But people in recovery don’t automatically get wisdom or sainthood conferred on them. People aren’t perfect, and they couldn’t possibly all know what’s best for us; otherwise they’d all agree.

As we accumulate sober experience, we get better at trusting our own instincts, something that may have been a source of danger when we were active in our addictions. We learn from experience what’s good for us, what nourishes us and brings us peace and joy.

It’s not a spiritually sound practice to turn people, even those we respect and love, into our Higher Power. “Turning it over” includes trusting our inner guidance, acting responsibly, and accepting that we can’t control outcomes.

Today, I look within and trust my truth.

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We should pray as if everything depended upon God, and act as if everything depended upon us.
ABRAHAM JOSHUA HESCHEL

Newcomer
I hear so much about “letting go.” But there are serious situations going on in my life that I can’t ignore. Am I supposed to assume that things will get better on their own if I just let go?

Sponsor
The phrase “letting go,” as it’s used in the program, doesn’t mean ignoring problematic situations, reneging on commitments, or repressing feelings. On the contrary, recovery makes it possible for us to take the responsible actions we feared and avoided when we were active in our addictions.

“Letting go” challenges our illusion that we’re in control of the universe, but it doesn’t suggest that we do nothing. There’s a difference between acting responsibly and thinking we’re in charge of how things turn out. We’re responsible only for the actions we choose to take, not the outcomes. When we take an action that we know to be right, we change ourselves in the process. The effect on others is out of our hands. We don’t have power to change other people. Nor can we change the past. Letting go means accepting our human limitations. It’s great relief to know that we’re neither the cause nor the cure for most problems.

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I am years gone from my family, and miles away.
JERROLD MUNDIS

Newcomer
I keep hearing that recovery is a bridge back to life, but I don’t think that I’ll ever have a decent relationship with my family. I called a family member on the phone last night and said that I was in recovery. I got such a skeptical response. It’s always the same story: no matter what I do, I can’t please these people.

Sponsor
It takes time to build a feeling of centeredness and self-worth. In the early days of my recovery, my sense of self was easily shattered by a word or look that confirmed my old belief that I didn’t deserve much. I had to practice “Easy does it,” especially with family members. I decided to keep family interactions light, for the time being. I mad program calls just before and just after any call I made to my family. In time, I had enough self-esteem to face emotionally charged situations without threatening my recovery.

What have the responsibility to protect our new recovery by keeping some distance between ourselves and the people, places, and things that we drank or drugged or acted out over. And we have the opportunity to build self-esteem by participating in meetings. We can start simply: show up, help make coffee, set up chairs, empty ashtrays. We can listen, raise our hands to share, thank the speaker, say hello to another newcomer. Giving service, no matter how small the action, builds feelings of usefulness and self-respect.

Today, my thoughts and energy go into self-esteem, not self-rejection. I show up for my life. I deserve to surround myself with the love that is in the program.

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Falling in love…is as much a drug as any that people swallow, snort, smoke, or shoot.
ANDREW WEIL

Newcomer
I’m attracted to another newcomer who goes to some of the meetings I go to. I can’t help it; I just can’t get this person out of my mind. My heart pounds when we’re in the same room, and I can barely concentrate.

Sponsor
More than once in early recovery, I became intensely preoccupied with thoughts of another person. In each case it was someone I didn’t know well, but felt attracted to. Like you, I could hardly think about anything else. Though I was certainly distracted, I stayed sober. I went to lots of meetings—not always for the best reasons! These intense romantic preoccupations were something I have since learned to call obsession. Obsession doesn’t have much in common with the process of getting to know others and letting them get to know me.

We can learn something about ourselves by paying attention when an obsession starts taking over our mental space. Is some feeling—anger, fear, or sadness, for example—making us uncomfortable? Obsession can function to keep us “safe” from the present reality. Our addictions served the same function when we were active.

Today, I practice staying in the moment. I reach out to other newcomer in the spirit of friendship.

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The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one.
JOAN BAEZ

Newcomer
Where were you yesterday? I called you at nine in the morning and eleven at night; both times I got your answering machine and left a message. I know you’re a busy person, but I thought that people in this program would at least have the courtesy to return my calls.

Sponsor
I did have a busy day yesterday; I missed talking with you. This is going to happen once in a while, so I’m glad that you have other phone numbers and a meeting list.

When I was newly recovering, my motto was “I want what I want when I want it!” Sometimes my sponsor wasn’t available instantly and had to call me back later; sometimes she said things I didn’t want to hear at all. When my response was to withdraw—to stop calling, or miss meetings so I wouldn’t have to see her-I closed the door to healing. But when I could summon the courage to say, “I feel hurt, I feel angry, I’m afraid to trust you!” we could talk about what was going and reason things out together.

Thank you for letting me hear how upset you were that our routine was disrupted; it’s an important part of the work you are doing in recovery. I won’t always be able to give you what you want when you want it, but I do respect your feelings.

Today, I have the courage to call my sponsor, even though I may have thoughts or feelings I’d prefer to ignore. I keep the line of communication open.

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For a girl without a self, I was pretty stubborn.
ELEANOR ANTIN

Newcomer
I feel good today. Thank God I’ve got my willpower back again. I’ve seen the light: I just have to be strong and stay away from addictive substances.

Sponsor
I prefer the word “willingness” to “willpower.” For me, willpower means forcing myself to do something disagreeable and self-depriving because someone else thinks I should. The trouble with relying on willpower—for me—is that I’m still a rebel in my heart of hearts. Give me something to rebel against, and, it time, I will. Though I may feel guilty when I break the rules, my rebelling somehow comforts me: It’s familiar. It lets me feel like my old self. It lets me say, “This is me, whether they like it or not!”

Willingness, on the other hand, means making a free, open choice to let in the message of recovery. It doesn’t mean always having to be strong. It doesn’t mean having to have all the answers. If we have willingness, we can show up at meetings, listen, and feel supported by the presence of other recovering people and by the laughter in the room. We can grow in recovery through practicing the program and participating in the fellowship.

For today, I don’t try to be strong. I go easy on myself by attending a meeting where I can relax and be myself. I enjoy listening to others share their experience.

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I still have my days when I have trouble, and I have to sit down and think about how far I’ve come.
WOMAN IN RECOVERY

Newcomer
I’m overwhelmed again. There’s so much that I should get done today, so much ahead that scares me. I feel sick and indecisive. I’ve heard the slogan “First things first,” but I don’t know where to begin.

Sponsor
First, I suggest that you give yourself some credit for what you’ve already accomplished today. Yes, you have accomplished something. Here you are, awake: you’ve started another day of your new life in recovery. You know that no matter what happens today, you don’t have to use an addictive substance. You’re identifying some feelings and reaching out for help. All this is significantly different from old patterns of behavior.

“First things first” is a reminder that we can set priorities. The first priority for every single one of us in recovery is not picking up an addictive substance. Without recovery, none of the other things in our lives will have much chance to come to fruition. We have to save our lives first. If we need meetings, phone calls, or prayer to keep from losing recovery, we put those needs at the top of our list. Then we can sort out the rest and list things in order of importance.

Today, I celebrate how far I’ve come. I set priorities and keep recovery at the top of my list. I take small actions that get me closer to my goals.

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The flower must drink the nature of the soil before it can put forth its blossoming.
JOHN KEATS

Newcomer
I’ve had to cut back on meetings lately, because my life is so full. There’s so much to do, so much lost time to make up for. And the meetings are repetitive; I feel as if I can predict in advance what’s going to happen there.

Sponsor
It’s natural to experience fluctuation in our enthusiasm for sober routines; there are ups and downs in any relationship. At times, meetings seem like something “they” are requiring me to do, rather than something I’ve chosen. When I’m sitting there, I don’t always pay close attention. I may feel irritated by a personality, bored hearing something I think I already know, or too distracted by my thoughts to focus on principles. But I keep going anyway, and the meetings—as if by magic—get better. Suddenly, I hear exactly what I need to hear. I suspect that the problem isn’t so much with meetings ass with my attitude.

By attending meetings and making calls consistently—not just when we feel desperate—we keep the lines of communication open. That way we maintain a basis of support for ourselves and others; we can count on its being there when we it most.

I have a life now, and I am responsible for it. Today, the decision I make to maintain my recovery is my own decision. Establishing a sober routine and sticking to it is a tool for maintaining that life.

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We feel and know that we are eternal.
BARUCH SPINOZA

Newcomer
I’m feeling anxious and overwhelmed. My mind is tormenting me. I could hardly sit still at the meeting I went to. How am I going to get through the rest of the day?

Sponsor
When I’m anxious, I seem to forget to breathe properly, so let’s bring our attention to our breathing, and inhale and exhale gently but deeply. Let’s breathe in a way that feels natural, not holding our breath at any point, so that the inhalation continues naturally into the exhalation. Let’s visualize bringing breath onto the belly, as if we were breathing in and out through the navel.

As thoughts and distractions come into the mind, we notice that they’re there, but we don’t worry about them. We let them keep flowing out gently and easily, like the breath.

For these moments, there is nowhere else we have to be, nothing at all that we have to do. The past no longer exists. The future hasn’t been born yet. We are here in this moment. Our bodies are breathing for us. Body and mind are one. There is only the present moment.

After our brief meditation, we feel centered and energized. We can use this technique to lower our stress levels whenever we wish.

Today, I gently bring myself into the present moment. I remember to breath.

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Put some gratitude in your attitude.
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS

Newcomer
Often I hear someone say, “I’m so grateful” or “I’m a grateful recovering (whatever they say).” I don’t understand. How can a person be grateful for alcoholism, compulsive overeating, codependency, or whatever has ruined his or her life?

Sponsor
I could not have begun this process we call recovery before knowing and accepting the fact that I have a disease. Lots of people out there die without ever hearing how we can stop the behavior that’s killing us. Others have to suffer even longer than I did. I’m grateful that I finally hit bottom and became willing to do something about it. I’m grateful that recovery has given me a way of life that brings me freedom and self-esteem. I’m grateful to be here, awake, showing up for my life. I’m grateful for so-called little things I rarely noticed or thought about when I was active in my addiction—a bird, a flower, a smile.

Gratitude is a spiritual tool. I can choose to pick it up; I can cultivate the habit of using it.

Today, I cultivate gratitude.

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My giant goes with me wherever I go.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Newcomer
This town is full of memories I’d like to get away from. I haven’t had a change of scenery for al long time, and I’m thinking about a move. The job situation is supposed to be a lot better on the other side of the country, and I think I’d like the climate better there, too.

Sponsor
Understandably, some of us yearn to make dramatic changes in our other lives, now that we’ve made such a big inner change. We’re living without substances we depended on for so long, and we may suddenly feel freer—we may want to change everything as fast as possible. In my early recovery, it scared me to think of facing problems my addiction had caused at work and home, especially in relationships with people. I dreamed of starting a new, problem-free life somewhere else—a “geographic cure.” Luckily, I accepted the suggestion that we not make major changes during the first year of recovery.

There can be freedom in not making a change. Without the stress of an unnecessary move, or a major work or relationship change, I could jump into recovery with both feet. It helped me to get to know myself better, to get clear about my motives and readiness for change.

We can live rich, fulfilling lives; no one’s stopping us. Giving ourselves time at first to concentrate on the basics of recovery provides us with solid basis for moving on in our lives.

Recovery is a bridge back to life; today, I work on making the foundations strong.

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This is a simple program for complicated people.
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS

Newcomer
I heard a speaker with years in recovery share that she’d always done it her own way—the she met friends at bars if she felt like it, had never had a sponsor, and sometimes went for months without a meeting. I know newcomers who’ve done similar things. What’s the big deal?

Sponsor
Some people in recovery cling to rebellion. While they don’t want to return to the horrors of active addictions, they aren’t willing to surrender what they think of as individualism. They “get away with” skipping Steps and ignoring suggestions. One helps out at meeting, but keeps booze in the house. One gives advice to newcomers, but goes unsponsored.

The program doesn’t ask that we give up what truly make each of us an individual. I t offers us clear guidelines, and promises that if we follow them, we won’t have to risk a relapse. The program works for us, if we work it. Testing our recovery by trying to see what we can “get away with” is like playing a game of Russian roulette.

Today, I feel safety and strength as I follow the principles of this program. I know that rue individuality come from the self-knowledge that recovery affords me.

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Anticipate the good so that you may enjoy it.
ETHIOPIAN PROVERB

Newcomer
I’m getter closer to ninety days—I’m in the eighties now. I’m excited. It’s a miracle that I’ve been able to stay in recovery without interruption for this long. But I feel worried, too—or maybe I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m feeling!

Sponsor
“Anniversary anxiety” is something many of us experience in recovery. For the preceding days or weeks, we’re aware of the upcoming anniversary and its implications. We may anticipate speaking at a meeting or celebrating with recovering friends. Will we measure up to their expectations? To our own?

Perhaps we’ve been sharing our day count and enjoying the applause. As we approach ninety days, we may be afraid we’ll became “invisible” at meetings. Depending on local program and group customs, we may be eligible to chair meetings. Are we going to have to handle more responsibilities than we feel ready for? The day of the anniversary itself, and the days following it, may be a setup for feeling as if we’ve graduated or won an athletic event. We may be afraid that recovery will disappoint us, once the cheering dies down.

It helps to know that this phenomenon is a common one. If you’re experiencing it, one of the best antidotes is to share your concerns, both at meeting and with a sponsor. We’ve been there.

Today, I use the same tools of recovery that worked in the very beginning: meetings, sharing, reading recovery literature, prayer. They work.

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I think even lying on my bed I can still do something
DOROTHEA DIX

Newcomer
I’m not doing well with meditation. I tried going to a class, and I got fidgety after ten or fifteen minutes. I tried paying attention to my breath, but my back hurt, I was nervous and distracted and I kept thing how badly I wanted to leave. Forget about doing it at home—I can sit for five minutes, then I have to get up. How do people endure all-day mediations?

Sponsor
You may not be ready for long sessions of sitting meditation. For a beginner, even fifteen minutes may be too long. If you sense that the form of meditation you have tried is the one you’re best suited to, you might consider starting with brief sessions, as little as three to five minutes. After a few weeks, you may want to try adding another minute or two. You can work up to fifteen minutes gradually, over a long period of time, and then see whether you wish to add a bit more or not. Surprisingly, the key is knowing when to stop.

When something makes me anxious, I limit the amount of time I do it. I may have the willingness to do something for a few minutes every day that would frighten me for half an hour once a week. Lengthening the time little by little, being sure that I don’t exceed the time limit I’ve set for the day, allows me to increase my tolerance gradually.

If sitting continues to be daunting for you, you may want to consider exploring form of meditation that include walking or chanting.

Today, I do not judge my rate of progress. I take one small step on my spiritual journey.