Defects of Character

[MajestyJo]

Agreeable/Disagreeable

Well I am agreeable, unless you disagree with me. All kidding aside, I think on the whole, I am pretty easy to get along with. As an Aries, I tend to have leadership tendencies, so people often look to me for direction and help, and I had to learn to reach out and ask for help myself.

I have noticed a few people the last few weeks with the most horrible, grumpy, nasty looks and dispositions and I am so glad that I don't have to walk in their shoes. A woman in my building isn't agreeable at the best of times, and she seldom talks to me and the only time I have seen her smile is when she looks at a man. She sits next to my friend Bert when he plays Bingo and I thought of phoning him today and telling him that he has been sitting next to her too long because he is beginning to look and act like her.

I know that is taking his inventory, but it is very sad, but the last few times I have seen him, he has been like a bear with a sore paw. I want to go up to him and say, "Get with the program, but not sure if it is my place to say so." I did phone him the other day when I went up the mountain to see if he wanted to go with me, to get him out but he had been down to the mall to do his round of scratch tickets and I was going to try to get him to get him out of himself. To me it was a intervention, but to someone else, it might have been sticking my nose into what was none of my business.

I am not as disagreeable as I use to be. Today I can agree to disagree. Everyone has a right to their opinion. As they say, everyone has one. I try to take mine to my God and make things right with Him, get honest, and shine the Light on the situation. It isn't always about the now, but looking at the whole, not judging by the past, fear of the future, but looking at the other people concerned, it isn't all about me as much as I would like to think so at times. Just because I want it doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it wrong either. It is what it is and always subject to change.

What was yesterday is no longer true in today, sad to say. That is why I like the slogan, "Each day is a new beginning."

Thanks for letting me share.

[MajestyJo]

"To disagree, one doesn't have to be disagreeable."
- - Barry M. Goldwater

Thoughts shared on another site on this topic:

On the whole, pretty agreeable and easy to get along with. When I am disagreeable it is generally when I am in pain, haven't had much sleep and not eating right. That is why I always tried to apply the Steps to my pain. I had no right to take my pain out on others.

I found today that everything went wrong, little things like dropping my purse, running my grocery cart into a display, missing a bus, and then not being able to get the answer we wanted from housing. It isn't going to be a quick fix, it is a process, so patience is called for.

It is generally the last little thing, added to the other little things, which has become a mountain, that started as a mole hill.

It is great when you can agree to disagree.

Sept. 2011

Agreeable -or- Disagreeable

"If you have learned how to disagree without being
disagreeable, then you have discovered the secrete
of getting along -- whether it be business, family
relations, or life itself." - - Bernard Meltzer

A good one today, although not feeling very disagreeable today.

I read last night, take a time out. Breathe postive in and breathe negative out.

It isn't normal for me to walk away, I use to be in there like a dirty shirt. If chaos wasn't happening, I often caused it to spice life up. Same old was always boring and got tired of the same thing over and over again. Even on my job, I was a file clerk when I started work at 17. I had an inquiring mind. Wanting to know and ended up working in every department in an office. On my last job, my boss called me Office Manager. To me, I was just a Girl Friday, someone who did everything, mainly because he was too cheap to hire someone else and wanted me to do the work of three people.

He use to say, "I hate it when you are right." He looked to find something to prove me wrong. Not sure if it was all me and my attitude or we were just two peas in a pod.

When I went to work for him he had 2 shops. He had 5 when I left because he bounced my pay cheque for the 3rd time. Within 3 years he was bankrupt. When I went to work for him, he said you have to where many hats. Which I found out later to mean, I rob Peter to pay Paul and my creditors are after me. I had to learn to be agreeable to people on the phone who were feeling very disagreeable.

When I come across someone who is disagreeable, I try to find out what their motive and intent are with the hope that we can meet on common ground.

August 2011

[MajestyJo]

One of the cards I got when I did my meditation today was about listening. The other was in God's time, not mine. The key card was "There's something out of balance in your life, so do whatever you need to do to correct it." I feel like I have two issues, my sleeping and my eating disorder. I just put on my soup and forgot that it was on and it has been bubbling away for about 20 minutes! Who am I to argue with the Universe? I wanted to go out to eat, wanted to order in, and then made the decision to eat what I had on hand.

I was sharing with two different friends yesterday and today about how our expression and body language often speaks volumes. I don't always have to open my mouth to be disagreeable.

If I am accepting of what is, then I have no reason to be disagreeable.

April 2011

There was a time in my life, I disagreed just to keep the pot stirred up and often to make my ex-husband miserable! It got to a stage in my marriage, that to agree with him was absolutely unthinkable! I would always cheer for the opposing team just to make life interesting, or so I thought! Nothing like a lively debate.

I am so grateful that this program heals. I am so grateful to have learned that is it okay to disagree and not get hit if I was of a different opinion.

I am so grateful that it is okay to agree to disagree!
I feel we need to be responsible for our own stuff and look at it as what is good for the whole. Having someone else doing my work, isn't being a team player.

I often have to remind myself that not everyone has a program. Some may think they don't qualify, but 12 Steps are a way of life that can help everyone to a better way of living.

February 2011

It took me awhile to grasp the concept of agreeing to disagree. For so many years, my way was the only way. Recovery was learning that there were shades of gray and everything wasn't black or white, either or, there was such a thing as compromise.

I can be very agreeable when things are going my way, when they aren't, I no longer shout or pout, don't stamp my feet and have a hissy fit, can still get resentful and angry, but I have the tools in today to deal with them.

I learned I could be manipulative and a few other not so nice traits that I needed to turn over to my God. The picture isn't always nice or pretty at times when I look into the mirror and so in away, our two posts are much the same in content. I went to one of the new links for mine.

January 2011

[MajestyJo]

What triggered this thought was the link I posted which said, "Need to be right." That was oh so me, and can still go there in today.

I really don't like being proven wrong about something. I can accept that I make a mistake, I can accept doing something stupid, but to find that my inner knowing, my truth isn't right, really bothers me. What I came to realize was that it was my truth in the moment. It didn't mean it was wrong, just wrong for the present circumstances and often wrong, according to other people's thoughts, perception, and concepts.

Most people don't like being told the truth. They don't want to hear the words that their habits, customs, and tapes are old, outdated, and no longer necessary and are totally redundant. What worked for me for years no longer serves it's purpose.

It is nice in today to be able to agree to disagree.

November 2010

Agreeable: Ready to consent or submit

Disagreeable: Having a quarrelsome, bad-tempered manner

Very much on the negative side of this chip today. Went to take my medication for my tremon disorder in my left hand and found out I had only one left. Went to renew the prescription and found out from the pharmacy that the doctor had changed the dosage, with no discussion with me, although there is a repeat I can't get it until December. This tremon is now more noticeable in my right hand now and need them more than ever, not less. Without them, I have problems keeping food on my fork, holding a plate still so my food doesn't go flying all over the kitchen.

I am not happy with myself because I didn't take the medication this morning before I went out. I could have gone into the pharmacy and ordered it and had them fax my doctor or called the doctor this morning and I could have gotten in. Now I have wait until Monday which means I won't be able to go out anywhere this weekend. I am hoping to be able to hold my cards to play bridge tonight.

Not in a very agreeable mood today, not my usual cheerful self!

November 2009

What a sad "Oh woe is me" story that is. I guess it is old hat now, I have had two new doctor's since then. The new doctor is doing the same thing, ordering me medication to help me without discussing with me what he is ordering and when I go to pick it up, I find it is something that they have tried me on in the past or as an addict, I refuse to take.

This morning, I was disagreeable with myself. No sleep again last night and this morning, so wasn't in the best of moods. Thankfully, no one else was around!

Since coming into recovery, I am more agreeable because I can see where other people are coming from. My mother taught me many years ago, "It is my way or the highway." Thanks to the program, I have an open mind. As they say, "Just because you have an opinion, doesn't mean you have to express it." That was a real challenge for me and one God and I have to work on daily.

[MajestyJo]

Quotes on Agreeing/Disagreeing from another site:

Today is my volunteer day. I try to be an agreeable hostess. The only time I have to be disagreeable is when people abuse the service and try to download things that are not compatible to the computers or go to porn sites.

Again it is about how you do it and the words you use. I don't center someone out in front of the whole room, I have a private conversation with them.

Last night my partner took me to task on how I play my hands. He prefaced his statement, "I notice that you don't take time to plan out the play and think before you play a card." My response was "I am an intuitive person. If I stop to think, I often out think or over think a situation and do go with my gut feeling and generally end up messing myself up." It isn't that I don't plan or think, it is generally a process and it takes take me a long time to evaluate what is there and sometimes you just have to try to make something happen and how you can play the hand so you lose as few tricks as possible. If you get lucky and a finesse works, you make your contract. If it doesn't, changes are you are out of luck. Sometimes you have a choice, this or that, and choose wrong. Sometimes you can tell by the bidding, but for some reason the person you think has the card, doesn't.

This is so true in life. Sometimes I can out think things, discount myself, don't listen to that inner voice, and end up in a place I don't want to be. The thing is if I stop and ponder, try to 'figure' things out, I am late, I keep other people waiting, and I miss out on a lot because I am caught up in the "intellect" which doesn't work in this program. I can't think my way into good living.

My sponsor said, "Are you still intellectualizing? Stop it! It doesn't work. Don't question how the program works, just do it!"

If we all thought the same way and didn't disagree what a boring place this would be. I have been known to disagree just to see the outcome. Especially with my ex-husband, it was just a matter of principle. He just wouldn't be right!

As I said, "He had a drinking problem. I had the thinking problem."

In today I can concede, often it is only a point or two. Compromise is a good thing, communication is even a bigger one, and compassion is a true gift. Especially when you can apply it to yourself.

I can often see their side and know where they are coming from, but that doesn't mean I expect them to agree with me. It often helps to know where a person is coming from and the experience they have gone through to reach their decision. I have often found that we come from two different places and often we react or reacted differently. Some internalize, some hit out, some confront, that old passive/aggressive thing, we all handle life differently. I took a class on being assertive in the mid '80s.
May 2009

Although some may think otherwise, I am generally on the agreeable side of this chip. I am pretty easy going and unless I think that my sobriety or that of other's is threatened, I tend to go with the flow. The 12 Traditions helped me to live a more peaceful and agreeable life and showed me the way to live with others.

My friend is visiting from out of town and I am open to anything she wants to do. There are limitations due to my health, and yet if possible, I will try to comply with what she wants. She has been away fro a long time so we are going to her favorite restaurant 'The Black Forest' and I admit, I like it too. We both went for Chinese food on our birthdays, she is an Aires too, so we decided to pass on that.

She wants to go to a NA meeting. The meeting she chose would not have been my choice, but it is her visit and I am open to doing what she wants. I have a meeting from 4-5 p.m. for the volunteers of CAP, and she is willing to wait to go out for dinner until after it is over, although I was willing to forgo the meeting if she wanted to go shopping. I told them that I might not be available for the meeting because her visit is a priority to me.

She is disappointed that the market is closed for renovations, this was a big love for both of us and we often shopped there together. We have a mall we liked to visit too but in today, we both have to conserve our energy and accept our limitations. If she had arrived tomorrow and hadn't made plans with someone else for that day, I wouldn't have been able to see her because of my own commitments.

She was the one who taught me it was okay to agree to disagree. If I hadn't learned that through this program and my sponsor, our friendship would never have survived.

April 2009

There has been a lot of growth in this area for me. I would argue, just for arguments sake. Had to have the last word. My way was the right way. Certainly couldn't let my husband think he was right, heaven forbid! Would choose a team opposite from my husband just to keep the argument going. He cheered for Toronto Argonauts. I cheered for Hamilton Tiger Cats. He would cheer for Calgary Stampeders and I would cheer for Saskatchewan Rough Riders because I liked their green uniforms.

I think I am agreeable on the whole. It takes a lot for me to get really angry and when I do at least I can express it in a healthy way. I can walk away or be confrontational. Last night at bridge one of the ladies who moved to our table asked my partner if he was frazzled or upset. Her partner said, "Not with his partner, she is too easy going." I have been called Ms. Serenity, but that is on the outside, it isn't always that way inside.

January 2009

Most times, I agree to disagree. It is easier that way. Don't do pout, have always had problems keeping my mouth shut to do the silent treatment, so I either walk away or say what is on my mind. Thankfully the mind doesn't think like it use to and I have learned to hesitate and meditate on occasion. Not always when I should, and sometimes I speak and then realize it was better left unsaid.

January 2009

[MajestyJo]

Victorious -or- Victim

"There are no victims, only volunteers - you always have a choice."
- - unknown

Well I know that I am victorious over my disease, through working the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, one day at a time. I was often a victim of other people's choices.

I am not always victorious over my defects of character, those I try to leave up to my Higher Power to change, to give me awareness, and knowing as to what I need to do find the acceptance, the right attitude, and action to bring it about.

Not a victim very often, although there are times that I feel as though I am being victimized. That was the story of my life and have no desire to go back there. I choose not to play those roles in today.

[MajestyJo]

Agreeable -or- Disagreeable

"When you run into someone who is disagreeable to others,
you may be sure he is uncomfortable with himself; the amount
of pain we inflict upon others is directly proportional to the
amount we feel within us." - - Sydney J Harris

So grateful when we can agree to disagree. So often, we come from a different place or have ACdifferent experiences or don't see the whole picture or not willing to do so, or incapable of doing so. That is okay, this is where we are at in the moment.

I remember being at a meeting at 2 years sober having a person disagree with my share. I asked my sponsor, "How can he disagree with me, it was my experience, strength, and hope. He didn't live it and experience it. It was me sharing it." She said, "It is okay dear, that is where you are at in the moment." I later realized that he recognized something that I didn't see, and yet I don't think it was his job to call me on it, but that is okay in today. It was how he perceived my experience and how he perceived the lesson I should have learned.

For one thing, he was a man and I was a woman. I don't know how long he had in recovery, and that too can make a difference. It also makes a difference as to how you have worked on yourself and applied the program to your own personal life and worked on your own issues and allowed yourself to heal. I had a friend who focused on helping on other and did service and did very little work on her own personal issues and as a result, she stayed paranoid, very angry and aggressive.

[MajestyJo]

When I had my dart team, it was important to support them and praise them for a job done. We went to Provincial Darts for the Legion and we ended up playing against a team from our own branch made up of the president, the past president, the vice-president, and secretary. We were winning, and they started making fun of me, encouraging my players and we were a mixed lot, one girl had never left the village, and very much out of her league. Another woman was short and weighed about 250 lbs. and another woman could beat us all with a hand tied behind her back, and myself, who could beat each of the other members of the other team on a regular basis. We froze on X1 and ended up losing the game. The young girl said, "We will never live it down if we lose to them." We allowed them to intimidate us. We were down to double out range before they doubled in, and in the long run, we deserved to lose, because we froze and allowed our fear to paralyze us, and we took their criticism and everything they said personally.

Yet these same people, were supposedly our friends. The president wanted me to join the Women's Auxiliary until she found out I wasn't a people pleaser and a follower. I was a helper and willing to work, but not to to her honour and glory if it was detrimental to others and not for the good of the Legion. This was before I got clean and sober. I didn't want her job. I wasn't in competition for job. That is not who I am, it is about trying to do the best job I can do. I am not trying to outdo anyone.

I use to laugh, when I split up with my ex-husband, everyone though I was looking for a man. I wouldn't have taken their husbands in a lucky bag. They didn't know their husbands had propositioned me and I had turned them down. When I left town, I left with no friends, judged and I hadn't done anything but be me. I had even made the decision to quit drinking. I didn't know about AA, but it was the first thought that alcohol was part of the problem.

It seemed like I always had to justify my existence and it wasn't okay to be me. Those old tapes can be killers. I try always try to give credit where credit is due. If I see where something can be improved on, or whether I have found something that has helped me, I like to share it, with the hope that it will help others. That doesn't mean, someone else has to do it. It doesn't mean my word is gospel. What it means that I am old and have been around the block a few times and have learned by trial and error, fell on my face a time or two, and landed on my feet to live and try again.

[honeydumplin]

Yesterday after a meeting in which I felt I may have overshared,
fell on the sword, or was quite hard on myself in what I had shared,
I couldn't help but hurt a little inside, and sense a certain vulnerability
for having revealed what was going on. It reminded me of earlier times
in recovery, when such revelations during 12 step meetings, would
shake the core of my being, and also allow a growth in sobriety to occurr.

A few years of recovery has not permitted me the luxury of basking in
the glow of a pedestal, while second-guessing what my peers think of
something stupid that I may have said in a meeting. If that is ever an option,
then I will have taken the chance to experience life beyond my fondest
dreams, and exchanged it for the small bit of uncomfortable satisfaction
I get while sitting silent, in a room full of recovering alcoholics I barely
even know.

Then I would know true pity of a destination, and find it wanting,
in spite of whatever journey I'd convinced myself to be part of.
I believe that our strength of unity comes from a common weakness
of seeking a power greater than ourselves, not in a spew of endless
solutions of how we overcame adversity, in spite of our quest for the
fourth dimension.

I applaud the your humanity, awareness, and depiction of this
dart team that you were on. Stuff like this helps drunks like me.

[MajestyJo]

Thank you for your kind words. Many times I have found words coming out of my mouth when I have shared my story and thought, now why did I say that, I vowed never to tell a soul, never mind a room full of people. Yet every time I get up to speak, I say the Serenity Prayer, say the Third and Seventh Step Prayers to get out of the way so my Higher Power can speak through me, instead of me getting up there saying what I think I should say and what I think I should say for your Higher Good.

Many times I have had women say, "I thought I was the only one that had felt like that or had that happen to them." Men and women coming up and sharing that they identified with what I shared. I say, "Tell me what I said, so we both know, because I am a channel and once the words are said, they are gone." Many times I think of what I didn't say instead of what I did say, which is ego, knowing what was said was meant to be said and God given and when I start to hum and haw when I am speaking, it is time to shut up, because God is finished, and anything after that is me and coming from the top of my head.

Even when I am typing a post, I have to reread what I wrote and then there are times I don't reread, and then there are times I should!

We can get on a pedestal and be a bleeding deacon at times. Sometimes we like an audience, especially if there is no one else talking and you feel like you have to fill up the silence.

What I like is the fact that the story never grows old. It is just the same today as it did 20 years ago when I came in, 70 years ago when it originated, or yesterday.

I have also been put on that pedestal over the years and it is a long way down when you fall off. It is also very sad and lonely, when you find yourself there be it up or down, so try not to allow it to happen. I am not deserving of a pedestal, but I do deserve a boost once in a while. I don't need a boot, but I do need a hand up or a hand down, when I get a step too high or step down too low.

[MajestyJo]

Loyal/Disloyal

Loyal to a friend, a subject, a vow, a conduct, a country, a cause, etc.

Have always tried to be loyal, haven't always been able to be there for others over the years physically due to health issues, yet try to be there when I can.



Jamie Sams in her Animal Medicine book uses the Dog as the Spiritual Totem:

Be loyal to yourself
Be true to others
Bolster your integrity.

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/dog-m...symbolism.html

[MajestyJo]

Hope all goes well for you. I have no self-control unless I turn things over to my Higher Power and let go and let God. I remember you saying years ago on a post that you often leave scratch marks when you try to let go. That stuck with me and helped me, so I thank you.

Anger is only a danger if I deny it, don't express it, and deal with it in a healthy way. It is something that has been deeply ingrained in me, and it has been hard to let go of. My body memories were really bad, and I just couldn't deal with things on the surface, I had to dig deeper to the root. So often, things were as result of past issues that were triggered or they had strings attached to memories long forgotten.

Journaling is a good way to deal with feelings.

[MajestyJo]

Just for today, I will try to remember it is one day at a time and not project into the future. It is so important to stay grounded and live in today and not worry, stress and project into tomorrow. I need to celebrate today and remember to be grateful. It is just for today, this days issues, challenges, feelings, etc and this too shall pass.

[MajestyJo]

Willingness/Stubborn

So often I have to pray for the willingness to be willing. Right from the first, I was willing to do what ever it took to stay clean and sober. For me to use is to die. As I said to my friend today, "Twice today I felt like a cigarette." For me to pick up a cigarette would put a nail in my coffin for sure, faster than a drink would. I know it is emotions that bring on the feeling. It was really busy and there were a lot of people in the mall. The noise was a high buzz and far above the level that is comfortable for me. Fibromyalgia makes you sensitive to noise and my Fibro has been working overtime lately. I always stubbornly refuse to give into the feeling, I know to pick up is to die. As they say, "Just because you have a feeling, you don't have to act on it."

[MajestyJo]

God-centered/I centered

ISM - I, Self, and Me!

ISMs will get us every time, if we don't deal with them. That means I am Self-centered and not God-centered. When I start thinking "I" can, and I hear too many "I"s in my speech, I know that I am not giving my God the credit.

As you say, a nod in the morning, a prayer at night, and generally a few "Helps" through out the day, along with a few "Thank You, Thank You, Thank You"s.

For me the ISM leads to the alcohol and drug (which can take many forms), it is my stinking thinking that endangers my recovery. As they say, "We can slip mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, before we physically pick up.

It isn't about picking up a cigarette (which would kill me faster than the alcohol), alcohol, food, a pill, or what ever my drug of choice is in the moment, it is my thinking that tells me I NEED it. I must always remember, my God meets all of my needs and He will take that thinking away if I ask Him for help. As they say, "Be careful of what you ask for, you just might get it." What we put out, we get back and I have found that some days, I have to duck.