Control

[MajestyJo]

This is one of the 'C' words that qualifies me for CA.

Quote:
It was an illusion I had for many years. When I look back at it, I can see how distructive it was to me and those around me. I thought I was in control, I thought I had the control, and I thought that by controlling people, places and things around me, that 'my' world would be better and safer! What a lot of tommy rot!

War is the unfolding of miscalulations. - Barbara Tuchman

It isn't the mis- that is the problem, it is the calculation, No matter what way I look at it, in today, it was a part of my spiritual sickness.

It is not spiritual to take someone else's inventory and think that I am better than they are and therefore better qualified to run their life.

It is not spiritual to take someone else's inventory and by manipulation and calculation try to control this person so they will become my personal robot and do what I want to do. That someone has a Higher Power, and I am not it. I tended to forget this.

My second husband always use to say, "It doesn't matter what I say, you go ahead and do what you want to do, you and your son! You don't care about me at all!" The truth of it is that he was right. I was in that marriage for all the wrong reasons. Looking for a father for my son, looking for someone who will take care of me or I could take care of them. It was more that I could fix him, because he was the one with the problem not me. Yeah right! I was looking for someone to pay the bills, and a lover, but no restrictions on my movements, but heaven help him if he did something without me. Nasty, you bet!

My disease as a caretaking, controlling co-dependent person who couldn't live with them and couldn't live without them. I was sicker than him when I look back at it now. He had a drinking problem, but I had the thinking problem and the drinking problem, along with the drug problem, the sex addict, the relationship junkie, and all those other nice things that make up a person who is codependent. Who thinks herself Ms. Perfect, Ms Invincible, Ms. Independent, Ms. Indispensible and Ms. Know-It-All.

If I look at you and fix you, then I don't have to look at me. If you just do what I say, my life will be wonderful and yours will be too! If you do this or that, then you will make me happy. If I am happy I will rewad you and if you don't, then you will be sorry, I'll....."

Not a very nice picture! Not one I wanted to look at, but in order to recover and heal, I had to get honest.

When I came into recovery, they had the nerve to tell me that my husband wasn't responsible for my happiness. That I had to find it within myself. How could I when I didn't know myself. I have been looking for years, and he was as close as I had come to what "I" wanted. The selfish self-centeredness of my disease. Who me? No never! I am just a nice church going, hard work career woman, homemaker, and just the perfect housewife. I have made this perfect little world and if everyone would just live up to my expectation, then I will accept them or tolerate their presence as long as they don't mess up my space.

Quote:
To participate in our lives does not mean that we control our lives. Not to control our lives does not mean that we are passive. - Anne Wilson Schaef

For so many years, I was looked on as "the strong one" and it was so difficult to be always 'up' for every occasion I thought I was needed. A long time ago, I realize that it would be nice to have someone, put their arms around me and say, "It will be okay, you are not alone." All my life I was told I was responsible, and I took on the responsibilities of all those around me. No wonder I was always tired. A false sense of security and responsibility kept me sick for many years, and it was such a blessing to be able to let the burdens go that I had carried for so many years. The guilt and the shame of not being able to measure up to mine and other peoples standards.

When I look at my life today, I realize I never had it so good. Thank God for the rooms of recovery.

[MajestyJo]

Quote:
There are only two things I get to 'control today'--me and my attitude. The rest simply ain't mine.

I spent (and still am spending) a whole lot of time on that 11th step, learning and relearning the principle on whole new levels. The awakenings haven't always been painless, but they've been joyous. I've learned that control is a delusion. I never had it, I'll never have it over anything but me and my attitude and I can stop adding up the times when I've done 'A' and got 'B'....truth is I oughta be looking at the times I did 'A' and got 'oops, that didn't work'. That one validates the truth--which is I have zero control over what goes on 'outside' of me and all the control in the world on what goes on 'inside' of me.

And I get to choose how I'll deliver the message to the other human beings who reside around me. Seeings how it's G-d's message of brotherly love I'm delivering, probably ought to choose my attitude wisely, don't ya think? LOL

Control is a delusion...always has been, always will be. Just more proof of how delusional I was and sometimes can be, eh? LOL

(I'll note the 'sad' dancing letters on the top of the post, and just assure you that you're loveble, loving and loved!)

Reply to my post by graced (used with permission)

[MajestyJo]

Dear Graced,

Thank you for sharing. Step Three was my favorite Step until I found Step Eleven. We have a Step Ten, Eleven and Twelve Meeting in our area. It is not on a bus route so unless I am offered a ride I don't get to go. They do a meditation with candles and music, and then read portions of text and discuss what is read from these three maintenance steps.

For me, these three steps and the 3rd and 5th Traditions are the root of my program, without these, especially Step Eleven, I don't have that conscious contact. I was shocked when I went to one of those meetings once and heard a woman share who had twenty years in the fellowship say, "In our busy lives, it is hard to take time for meditation!" My thought was, how did you stay sober, but more importantly, do you have sobriety?" For me, there isn't one without the other.

I like your concept of G-d. It is like my interruption of the first step in I am powerless over alcohol-, it was written like that because the book would be much thicker if I listed all my addictions. As someone said, the dash between the two phrases, connects them, and the second half is the meaning of the first half.

G-d for me means he is too big to explain and much greater than any concept or description that I could ever give.

all I have control of, yet it is self-delusion to think that allows me to slip back into the role, more from habit than anything else. Thanks to the program, I am empowered to change that when I find myself acting out in my disease.

As they say, if you have to control it, it is already out of control. If I am God-centered, there is no need to control me if I go with the flow and am living "in the spirit." I certainly need an attitude adjustment every once in a while, that is why I go to meetings when I can.

[dwmoeller]

Quote:
There are only two things I get to 'control today'--me and my attitude. The rest simply ain't mine.

Early in my recovery, I had a hard time grasping this "control" issue. I have learned that I accept the fact that I can't control how others feel or think....I can only control what I feel and think. I still have struggles with it but as I grow spiritually in my sobriety journey, I rely on my Higher Power, G-d, to help me.

The delusion of controlling my drinking:
In my drinking days, I tried to "control" my drinking. I failed miserably at this. For example, I'd go to a party with intentions of drinking socially and not get drunk. But by the end of the night, I was drunk. The next day I'd be mad at myself that I got drunk again. I remember thinking to myself...I'll do better next time. But each time I ended up drunk. Oh, Ttere were times when I would be able to not get drunk. Then I thought, hey, I'm controlling my drinking. Looking back, I had more failures than successes and in fact I was never really able to "control" my drinking.

[SoberDriver]

There is one type of control the AA "Big Book" says that is important and that is "self control." I had a sponsor who had 57 years of sobriety when he died and he always said at meetings that he was responsible for his own thinking, actions and happiness. One of the faulty ways of thinking and behaving I had since I was young was believing that if I tried to treat people well that it would result in happiness for me and that had fatally flawed results for me because I was not giving without the expectation of receiving anything in return and my expectations were based on performance rather than "being." AA challenged me to realize the higher power I had constructed in my own mind was just that, an idea based on my fatally flawed thinking and beliefs. The very environment of AA was helpful because of my helpful belief that a group of support people was "non-judgemental." Having been involved with religion before recovery my hope was that the congregations I was a member of would be caring and loving but the environment was too superficial. Try as we did, we did not get down to "causes and conditions." I have heard many pastors come into AA meetings and wish their congregations could be like AA. Is AA perfect? No. For me AA has proved to be an expression of the human condition where flawed humans such as myself can learn and grow and be challenged to become something freer. Enjoying the journey, one day at a time...

[MajestyJo]

Thanks for sharing. What helped me was hearing, "If you have to control it, it is already out of control. Control is an illusion."