Walk Our Own Truth

[MajestyJo]

My sponsor and I were sharing and I found myself thinking how much I have grown in this area. I always doubted myself because I was always told I was stupid and a lot of other things. I was told, "Who are you to know?" What made you think your opinion counted?" "Who asked for your two cents?"

Just because my sponsor says it is gospel, doesn't necessarily mean it is my truth. All she can do is share her own experience, strength and hope. From that, I examine, accept, reject, and take into account what will work for me. It was a learning process. In early recovery, I called my sponsor many times a day. In today, I speak to her about once a week, more if needed of course. The difference today is that she will pick up the phone and call me.

My sponsor in early recovery told me that if you doubt yourself, you were doubting God. It was hard for me to understand. Yet it has become a truth of mine, when I turn my day over to the God of my understanding, then I have to believe what comes to mind, my actions, my thoughts, my choices are God given. I have to have faith in my HP and know that He is working through me. The truth is my own understanding. It may not be someone else's, but it is how I perceive things in the moment. This is a disease of perception, and I have to believe that mine has healed and that I am being shown the way of good. It is a continuing process. I pray and ask for my own truth and my own knowing daily.

That doesn't mean it won't change, but it is what I believe in the moment. I walk my talk to the best of my ability daily. I do have to admit to lack of tolerance of others who don't do this. I really have a problem with people who speak one way and act out in another, especially if that person is my sponsor.

[MajestyJo]

What is my truth today? I have found that often truth changes, most times for the better, but not always. What I thought to be true, may either have hidden depths and meaning, or my perception of it has changed and I often have to adjust accordingly.

Sometimes things get blown out of proportion and we have to bring them down to size. Other times, we look at things with tunnel vision and we need to broaden our view of things to take in the whole thing. At other times, I develop a truth which works for me, only to find it works no more.

This is a spiritual journey. Hopefully as I travel the recovery road, I will continue to grow in awareness and open myself to new ideas and concepts. As we change, so does our opinions, options, and our choices; and as they come into view, we need to find our truth in what we experience along the way.

Today I met my first sponsor in the mall. When she saw me, she said, "Oh you look pretty." Just for a second, my dander went up and I was so glad it was just that moment, but the thought was still there. 1) I don't do pretty. 2) I don't feel like I have a pretty bone in my body. 3) The whole thing felt phony and too cutesy, and it was heaven forbid. I am dressed in a pair of skinny black jeans, a dark green 3/4 sleeve jersey top, with a black hooded jacket zipped up and I had a fuzzy black vest on as I had just come in from the cold. I had on my black orthodontics that are like a cut off boot. For some reason, the back went up, but I realized it was my issue not hers. She can call me what she wants to. It was good to see her and I did get a hug.

The fledgling left the nest. She was what I needed in early recovery and I still phone and call her. We are just not on the same page.

[MajestyJo]

Some days you say things better than you do on other days.

I found the following on another site:

Having a sponsor has been one thing that has been constant in my recovery, and yet ironically, the same sponsor through out my recovery hasn't happened. I have been fired, I have been taken back on, at my request. I have had an AA, NA, and Al-Anon sponsor, I have had an AA, and an AA co-Sponsor, a Native American woman I was working with at the time, different combinations, my second Al-Anon sponsor passed away on Monday. My 1st Al-Anon sponsor and I were co-sponsoring each other when she passed away.

When I asked the sponsor who passed away to go through the Blue Prints to Progress by Al-Anon and she dropped me as a sponsor. She said she had nothing to give me. I had trouble understanding it. We had about the same time in the fellowship, we had both come from abusive marriages and we both had sons who were addicts. She told me that every time I shared at a meeting, her mouth was opened in awe with what I shared, and I couldn't understand this because we both had about the same amount of time in the program. I wish we could have shared more.

Several sponsor relationships I felt used, they only had time for me if I came over and did something for them. One sponsor I typed and sorted papers for her job. Another sponsor expected me to get her rides, invite her for meals, and a lot of things were conditional. The one who fired me lived in the west end and I had moved to the east end for a short period and she said she didn't see me at her meetings, so she let me go. I was only there about 2 years and I was back in the same area. It was meant to be, because I has some very important contact during that time.

I will always remember my first Native American sponsor who use to say two things to me. If you are doubting yourself, you are doubting God. The other was, "JoAnne, are you still intellectualizing? Stop it!"

Tonight I had the thought to call my sponsor twice but for some reason, I didn't. I will call tomorrow hopefully, and will find that she is alright. If I was suppose to have made that call I would have, I hope and pray a prayer was enough. Maybe it was because I saw my AA sponsor in my lobby tonight. I never call her. Haven't fired her, don't even have her number to call her any more since I deleted all the calls on my directory by mistake. A good way to let go. She came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder and she reeked of smoke. One of the reasons I don't sit down and talk with her. I see her friend who lives in my building more often than I see her. I have issues with my sponsor because of two of her active addictions, that she feels comfortable with, so I had to detach and let go. My focus has been Al-Anon, but I know when I need it, I will rush to the nearest AA meeting.

Tonight I was talking to my son and my pharmacist. I said, "I was going to become a drunken old lady and get rid of my shakes, because the rheumatologist and neurologist, both told me for years, that my shakes would go away, if I picked up a drink. A couple of nights a go I had to stab my food with my fork to get it to stay on long enough to get it to my mouth. Some days it gets to be frustrating. Some days acceptance just isn't always there when you want it and is slow in coming.

The lies we tell ourselves, that become our honest truth. They are so steeped with our lies, we cross our heart and hoping, that we can't see the BS from the buckwheat, at least I think that is the saying.

originally posted in 2012

[MajestyJo]

Our truth can change, that doesn't mean we were wrong. It was our truth in the moment and it often take a sponsor to point things out to us or to bring us around to a place where we can see things from a new perspective. We can't know what we haven't been taught or we can't know what we can't see and aren't aware of.

Like a lot of people, I was like an ostrich with my head buried in the sand or stuck in where it didn't belong. I had a long neck and a big beak that wanted to be in the know and wanted to know how it was done. I didn't know that one way didn't work for everyone. I had to let go of "My way or the highway ideas" and I had to learn to open other ideas than my own because my best thinking got me to the doors of recovery.

I found myself reflected in the faces and in the actions of the people in the rooms of recovery. They were my mirrors. They showed me who I was. I found myself there and for that, I will always be grateful.