If You Love Me, Let Me Fall

[MajestyJo]

IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL

IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread
a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a$$
to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in
the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall,
(allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me)

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me,
let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the
bottom of the pit. Trust that there is a bottom there somewhere
even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from
myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to
understand me to a fault, enabling me. The sooner you allow
me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my
addiction on my shoulders and not yours....the sooner I will
arrive....and on time....just right where I need to be...me, alone
all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist the urge
to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

It I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I
am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out,
free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back
up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out....I just
might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom
a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.

Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I
have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall
how am I ever supposed to feel the pain that is part of the
driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not
yours.

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what
you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from
your heart and from knowledge of what is best for me....but if
you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices
be they bad or good.

Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of
your safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one
day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

~ unknown ~

[MajestyJo]

This is what I needed to read tonight. Thanks my friend. My son is out there tonight doing his thing and I am totally powerless as to the consequences of his actions and choices.

I was told not to put a 'cushion' under his bottom so he lands so softly he won't think about getting help.

My husband left when my son was two months old and he was the whole center of my life and it was difficult learning how to not 'do' for him. That was one of the things he had to deal with, "Mother smothering him and wanting everything to be better in his life than it had been in hers. You can't go back and make it right, but you can change your actions to make it right in today.

Written in 2009

My son was using today. When he came by tonight, we had words and he brought up the past. I reminded him that was then and this is today and we are both in different spaces in time.

I found myself very angry. Angry at him and at myself. Yet in truth, it was being angry at the disease of addiction.

[MajestyJo]

The following is a letter that appears in the booklet Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009.
I found this letter to be particularly moving. It pretty much sums up what I’ve felt in my relationship with the alcoholic.

To an alcoholic, with love...

You’re an alcoholic. I thought you needed me, that’s why I fell in love with you. It was easier to delve into your drama than to look at my own issues.

I wasn’t the problem; you were. If only I could fix you, we could live like normal people, happily ever after. With blinders on, I didn’t want to acknowledge your alcoholism as a disease. It’s very hard, you see, because you weren’t losing your hair like a cancer. It’s a disease of the soul, and your soul was the last thing I was privy to. Mentally, I know you have an illness. Still, some days it’s hard for me to accept your actions as part of your disease.

I lectured, blamed, and scolded you for not being able to hold onto a job, drinking yourself into oblivion, and making yourself so sick you wanted to die. But I wasn’t accepting you for who you are. I was angry that you didn’t fulfill my lofty expectations and I reacted by attacking you with a torrent of hateful, vindictive words. I was holding onto my need for you to be what I wanted you to be. I should have looked at myself before casting stones. I added to the hatred you already felt for yourself. I am very sorry.

I’m ashamed of the things I did in the name of loving you. I wrote your résumé and set up job interviews. I drove you all over town. I covered for your illness so that your aging parents have no clue to this day that you end each night drunk, with a bottle in your hand, and begin each day with a new bottle. I spent money I didn’t have to give you what I thought you needed. The more loving and helpful I tried to be, the worse you became—and you turned away from me.

I let you use me and exploit me. But what did I get in return? You weren’t there for me when I needed emotional support. Adding insult to injury, you’d lie about where you’ve been or who you
were with. You’d make promises that gave me hope—and I always believed you.

I persevered in our relationship, even in the absence of affection and intimacy. I lied to myself that you loved me anyway. I accepted even the most mediocre gesture of caring. You shredded my heart and yet, I kept that ember of hope alive, thinking that maybe this time it will be
different, maybe this time he will realize just how much I mean to him. I still thought you would become the man I always knew you could be.

Was I in love? Or was I obsessed? You have your alcohol and your demons. I have you. You are my drug of choice. You were my world, you were my life. It was too painful for me to watch you dying before my eyes. I was lost and out of control. My pleas, threats, and ultimatums didn’t work. I had no more strategies to try.

Realizing my powerlessness, I got down on my knees and prayed. By the mercy of God, I found Al‑Anon. In Al-Anon meetings, I shared my story with others and learned that their stories were mine also. By listening to their experiences, I came to understand that you will find your own path, in your own time, without my help.

Whether you’re in my life or not, I still think about you. I still care about you and love you. But I’ve pulled my expectations down from the stratosphere. I’m exploring joy, forgiveness, and gratitude instead. More and more with each day’s passing, I’m finding love for myself and
my own life.

by Gloria R., from Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009

[MajestyJo]

10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem

The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common. Everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one’s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person’s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.

Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind. If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one “hit bottom” and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one’s disease and cease their enabling behavior. Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:

1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction.

Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon. Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial. Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a “sick person” rather than a “bad person.” This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame. The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.

2) Don’t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease

Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be “loved” into recovery. Recovering people experience a “hitting bottom.” This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that “truth” and “consequences” are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.

3) Don’t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.

Money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use. Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.

4) Don’t analyze the loved one’s drinking or drug use. Don’t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.

There are no underlying causes. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others. This “paralysis by analysis” is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.

5) Don’t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say.

Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict. Rather “actions speak louder than words” applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.

6) Don’t extract promises

A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments. Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.

7) Don’t preach or lecture

Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person. A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation. If an alcoholic or addict could be “talked into” getting sober, many more people would get sober.

8.) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger

These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one. For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members—they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity. The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.

9) Don’t accommodate the disease

Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family’s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one’s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one’s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.

10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities

Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned. Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon. By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.

The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family’s effort to say “no” and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume “business as usual.” There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict - rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery.

By Ed Hughes, MPS