Relapse

[zackdude]

I've been clean since may 2016. I work the third shift and was having a terrible time staying awake, terrible. I drive a picking truck which is basically a forklift you stand on and goes 40ft in the air. So my buddy asked what was wrong and I told him I could not stay awake. He has ADHD I guess and gave me about one third of a 30mg Adderall. Now I didn't get high and my intention was not to get high. I just couldn't stay awake and frankly can't afford to just take off. Although considering this isn't intended for insomnia and people do use it to get high is this a relapse? I knew it wasn't the brightness idea when I took it but I just couldn't function safely.

[MajestyJo]

Thanks for sharing zackdude, thank you for sharing. Only you can make that decision, I would suggest talking it over with your sponsor and doctor. I have problems sleeping so I am on the other side of the spectrum. I do take Melatonin, but it doesn't help much and I don't take it often. I have stopped doctor's prescriptions, especially if it is an anti-depressant if I find it to be mind altering.

Did you just take it the one time? Did it make you feel like more? I was addicted to prescription medication, so if I find myself taking a pill, and sitting there waiting for that fix when I take it, there is a good possibility, I shouldn't be taking it. A lot of it is about our thinking. What did you do to get yourself into the state of not being able to stay awake? A lot of questions we have to ask ourselves. I believe that in recovery, I need to get up in the morning, live my day, and go to bed with gratitude for another day. My problem, is that my day isn't always at the same time as everyone else's.

It is the same with anything? Picking up food and stuffing ourselves when it is emotional food we need or a spiritual need, instead of a physical one. Picking up something to take ourselves out of where we are at without going within and asking help of our Higher Power. If you prayed and asked for help and that pill was offered, and it was a one time deal, I would say no. Things are put in our path. They are either for our Higher Good, or they are a temptation that we need to apply our program to. Looking outside of ourselves to make ourselves feel better. That is what I call addiction.

I was put on a steroid for my arthritis and I had to quit it. It made me feel like my head was detached from my body. Messages from my brain were not making it to the rest of my body. It is a thinking program, so if I can't think, then I have a problem. It is a living program, what decision did I make to bring me to where I am at in today?

Hope that helps. Even if it is a relapse, all you lose is your dry date. If you continue to take them, then I would give it serious thought and consult help. Thanks for reaching out, hope this helps. Better still, I hope it makes sense as I just woke up. I have to go to see my doctor in a few hours and I am going to talk to him about my medication. I have stopped two meds that I have been given. A healthy mind makes for a healthy body.

[zackdude]

Thank you for your insight. What gets me in that state at work is life. I work 11pm 730am. I help care for my girlfriend's 2yr old, have probation, meetings, group for probation and life during the day. My shift is my shift. I have tried to change it at work but to no avail. I was in federal prison for six years for bank robbery. I have a lot of people to keep happy. I can't work in my old profession and frankly can't afford to lose my job and keep being turned down for anything better. I also have a child on the way and try to make the appointments associated with that it is a high risk pregnancy my gf is 40. Some days I'm lucky to get 3hrs of sleep. Two times that night I caught myself 40ft in the air not hooked up to my harness. I didn't even think twice when it was offered I just took it. Relapse wasn't on my mind falling and not killing myself was. It did make me feel a bit jittery and I couldn't sleep much after I got home. That is what brought up the guilt. I go mostly to na in my area and it seems to be a giant gossip fest, fashion show, and clicks. I go to AA sometimes and it's totally different but my issues were mainly opiates and so I have a hard time getting people to relate to me there. When I felt the way it made me feel I felt terrible. I still do. I don't have a sponsor I can't get the guy to call me back. He used me when I got out for work treated me like **** and had a child molester working for him and living with him and I called him on the ****. I told him if I saw the guy around kids at anybody's home I would tell them and the sheriff's office. I had that stuff happen to me and I wasn't going to sit by silent. Since then life hasn't stopped happening. My gf got pregnant we went through hell about that. I have a very hard time trusting anybody. I have a lot people don't know. And when I have told people I've been judged. I'm a convicted bank robber 6 time felon really on his last chance. I always tell my girl I'm not going back and I mean it. It's not a reservation it's just the truth. Suicide by cop is better than the places I have been. With all that out of the way there was no I'll intent when I took it just to wake up. But I did not like that I did like the way it made me feel.

[MajestyJo]

Sounds like you need to find a way to balance your time. Perhaps your g/f can get someone else to baby sit. You can't operate and function well without sleep. I know. We are not able to live up to our capabilities.

For me, my priority was my sobriety. Your g/f and her child and the one on the way, won't have you, if you don't stay clean and sober. I know that I did 2 meetings a day for 2 years. I was afraid if I missed a meeting, I would relapse. We can do what I can't do alone. Can you take the child with you to a meeting. Turn it all over to your Higher Power and ask for the Good Orderly Direction you need.

I knew I was an addict. My drug of choice was more. I went to AA for my denial. I couldn't identify with them at first, I didn't think of emotions, didn't have many left. I was very fragmented, and the program made me whole. I went to NA for identification, and I went to Al-Anon to heal. They showed me how to live my own life, set boundaries and detach from what is not my stuff to take on. Perhaps you could look up some of the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon posts. My dad was an alcoholic, my mom died at the age of 40 because of her food addiction, I married and alcoholic (my label, not his admission), and my son is a self-admitted alcoholic/addict. So I qualified for Adult Children of Alcoholics too. Love their literature, could really identify with it.

Sounds like you are either in the past or projecting into the future. Just for today, I choose not to use. It is a one day at a time program. It isn't a quick fix program, it takes time and work. I had to learn to take the words off the paper and the computer screen and apply them to my life. With me, I have nothing. Without you, there is no me.

[MicroMacro]

Originally Posted by zackdude

... Now I didn't get high and my intention was not to get high ... is this a relapse?

Other people don't get to make that call for you.


What does it feel like to you?

Best!

[MajestyJo]

Welcome MicroMacro, you are so right. No one can make the decision for us.

Thank you for sharing. Hope you will continue to come and share your journey with us.

[MajestyJo]

Where would I be today without 12-Step Recovery?”

That is easy, I would be dead for sure. For me to relapse is to die, using is just not an option. I qualify for just about every 12 Step group there is. You qualify for Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, because you know me. I have 3-33 reasons to go to Al-Anon. I have a son in active addiction and I had to learn to detach from sponsees, especially the two that relapsed and died.

Where would I be today without the fellowship and a
connection to others just like me where I am understood
and loved?


I remember hearing the people laughing and wondering how come, if they had a life like mine, they wouldn't be laughing. I was to find that many had stories much worse than mine. I didn't know what they had, but I wanted it. I found it in Spades as the old saying goes. I found sobriety, soundness of mind and a new way to live. I found myself reflected in the people in the rooms, what you see in others is a reflection of what is in you. They loved me back to good health.

What would life be like without faith and trust in my
Higher Power?

Without my HP, I would have relapsed and died. He did for me what I couldn't do for myself. I tried my way for 8 years, and my way didn't work. He lead me to AA and through His Grace I have stayed.