Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - November

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November 16

Flattery Can Be Dangerous

Insincere flattery is unbecoming, but when we praise someone who behaves improperly, it is dangerous because it reinforces that behavior. When others see a wrongdoer receiving praise, they wonder why they should deprive themselves of things that can be obtained illicitly when dishonest behavior is rewarded? Even if a person knows we are fawning, he eventually believes his own lies. We are then doubly disappointed: to have compromised our integrity and to have received nothing in return. Rigorous honesty is an essential component of recovery, and is most beneficial in the long run.

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November 17

When in Doubt, Listen

Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. The Talmud says, All my years I grew up among the wise, and I found nothing more beneficial than silence. - Ethics of the Fathers 1:17. Absolute silence is not virtuous, because refraining from saying the proper thing can be wrong. But virtuous speech is much closer to the extreme of silence than to babbling. We regret things we have said much more than the things we did not say. Furthermore, when we are talking we cannot listen. We hardly learn anything by talking, but we can learn much by listening. Silence may indeed be most beneficial.

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November 18

Marriage Can Flourish in Recovery

While addiction can inflict much suffering on a family many marriages not only survive but even thrive in recovery. The principle for a harmonious recovering marriage is no different from that for a nonaddiction relationship: respect for the partner's individuality. Some of the most idyllic relationships are between two unlike people. During addiction the addict does not tolerate dissenting opinion, while the spouse can see only wrong in the addict's ideas. As we develop humility, we can respect the other's opinions. Tolerance of difference, as appreciated in recovery, permits intimacy and love to grow.

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November 19

Consider the Future

The key to recovery is consideration of the future. We leave our belongings to future generations, but we gather them primarily for ourselves. A recovering person in his sixties began buying savings bonds for his new grandchild as his wedding gift to her, a wedding he knew he was unlikely to attend. He had turned the corner to sobriety. In active addiction there is no consideration for the future. Our future is grossly sacrificed in favor of momentary gratification. Rather than mere abstinence, one of the signs of sobriety is beginning to do things for the future-for our children or community.

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November 20

Turning Destructive Energy into a Positive Force

In recovery we transform negatives into positives. The energy, cunning, and determination that were perfected in addiction can be powerful forces for good when properly channeled. When I commented to a recovering individual on how he going to an extraordinary degree to assist others in early recovery, he replied, I'll only go as far to help somebody as I would have gone for a drink or a fix, and that's a helluva long way. Nothing stands in the way of an addict who wants a chemical. When this determination is applied to positive goals, no obstacle is too great.

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November 21

There is No Logic to Addiction

A woman who was in coma following drug use, spent a month in intensive care, and narrowly escaped death requested admission to a treatment center. This may sound crazy, but although I know I was on the verge of death, I think I can still use again. This is a person who wishes to live, who has no doubt that drugs are lethal, and yet she has an irrational drive to use again. Temptation can blind a person to inevitable consequences. The young woman is fortunate because she can enlist the help of countless people in recovery. Recovering people say, Don't try applying logic. Use what works.

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November 22

The Bigger the Boast, the Smaller the Self-Esteem

If we know we are great, we do not have to prove it. We see people who are name-droppers, or who otherwise try to impress people with their importance. We think, What an inflated ego that person has. Actually, that person feels terribly depleted and acts in desperation to convince others of his or her importance. Instead of being annoyed with the pomp and arrogance of the person who behaves egotistically, can we not find enough compassion to feel for someone who feels so unworthy that he or she takes such desperate measures?

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November 23

God Understands Our Pain

While we must learn to accept unpleasant things with serenity, this does not preclude feeling angry when we feel treated unfairly by God. During severe suffering, it is unrealistic to be serene. When pain is intense, we have only one desire: to be relieved of the pain. Since God is all powerful and can relieve the pain, we are angry with Him for not doing so. The anger we have at the time of the pain need not be considered sinful, because we can relate to God as He understands us. When the pain is a matter of history, faith should become operative, and serenity will prevail.

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November 24

Giving Thanks

A recovering woman wrote: This Thanksgiving is special. I am sober and clean, and I am thankful. I can't help but remember past holidays and how I hated them. I felt I had nothing to be thankful for, and unfortunately, I know this attitude caused my family and friends to dread what should have been a pleasant holiday. I am grateful for God's hand leading me to help, and to all those who shared their experiences, strength, hope, and courage, which enabled me to start in a new life. When someone who is experiencing sincere gratitude shares it with us, we are drawn into sharing the freshness of the feeling.

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November 25

Humility Is Essential

As a rule, people in recovery express gratitude for their sobriety, for having been given a second chance, for the recovery of loved ones and salvation of families, and support of fellowship. Active addiction is often characterized as an ego gone wild. So recovery requires not only abstinence but also elimination of character defects. This is why there are frequent expressions of thankfulness at Twelve Step meetings. People whose egos stand in the way of expressing gratitude are not too likely to be at these meetings, because their inflated ego has not let them admit their powerlessness.

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November 26

Giving Thanks for Sobriety

If anyone would have told me I would be grateful for the intervention done on me, I would have said they were mad. Yes, I took a few drinks at night, an occasional pill. I was not bothering anyone. What right did anyone have to interfere with my life? I did not realize I could not fully enjoy my grandchildren whom I loved. But my daughters never asked me to baby sit. Today alcohol and pills are no longer my companions. I baby sit, and when my daughters leave for vacation, they entrust their children to me. I love them, and I love the feeling that I can be trusted. I am grateful for sobriety.

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November 27

Only We Can Develop Will Power

A bright medical resident said, I knew drugs could ruin my career and destroy me and my family's future. When I got the urge to use I would take out the picture of my wife and baby and say, 'You won't do this to them.' Sometimes I would cry over the picture for fifteen minutes, then shoot up. If that is not a disease of the will, what is? It is wise to take the will of a Higher Power, whether it be a deity or a group of recovering people whose collective will is functional. Accepting a kidney transplant is not ego deflating; neither should be a will transplant.

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November 28

An Unhealthy Escape

Escaping from ourselves is destructive. An executive who rejected help with his drinking problem said, I never drink at the office, so I will take work home and keep myself busy. Although he was not planning to substitute another chemical for alcohol, his escape into work was nevertheless unhealthy. It would ultimately either fail or result in a stress-related disease. We cannot escape from ourselves over the long haul, nor should we need to do so. When this man's workaholism failed, he returned to alcohol and eventually entered recovery. Since doing so, he has begun to enjoy himself and his family.

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November 29

Some Tolerance Can Be Deadly

A body becomes tolerant of increasing doses, and allows us to function until effects of the chemical result in dysfunction. Codependence often mimics addiction. The family puts up with addictive behavior and develops a tolerance, so it remains functional until a rock-bottom event brings the family to its senses. Recovery for the family is similar to that for the addict, beginning with accepting powerlessness over the life of the addict. Finally, just as the addict must find a goal in life other than use of the chemical, the family must find a goal other than accommodating the addict.

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November 30

Recognizing Distortion

Many obstacles exist in our mind rather than in reality, but when we deal with them as though they were real, we stumble. We may defensively approach someone who is not an aggressor, or overreact to trivia as though they were catastrophes. An innocent remark can be perceived as an insult, and our angry reply can convert a friend into an enemy. A simple inquiry, What did you mean by that? can clarify a comment. Or we can ask objective observers for their interpretation. We need all our energy to deal with real difficulties in life. We can ill afford to squander strength on nonexistent obstacles.