Accepting my Human Side

[MajestyJo]

"Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him."

-- Aldous Huxley

"A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."

-- George Bernard Shaw

When I read these quotes from my daily reading, I thought of them with regard to my life as an addict prior to recovery. My whole life seemed a mistake, and yet I had to go through what I had to go through to get to the doors of recovery.

Most of my experiences were as a result of living my life through other people and with out much thought of doing what I wanted to do. In fact, there were a lot of things that I always wanted to do, but just never got the chance to do them. Mostly because I spent my money using, but also because the man in my life demand my time, attention, and often my money. I certainly didn't set boundaries.

It seemed like my life was one big mistake. It was very gratifying to find out that just because I made them, didn't mean I was one.

There wasn't a lot of honourable deeds on the whole and yet it wasn't all bad. I volunteered for different organizations like the Cancer society, The Heart Fund, put on Senior Movie Nites and held Euchre parties. The motive wasn't as pure as it has been in recovery, but the thoughts were there. More out of looking for approval and acceptance than with the thought of helping others.

With the Legion and being a Ladies Auxiliary Member, I did a lot of things and was a very outgoing person. It was a prime example of how every time I picked up I gave away a piece of myself. Instead of this outgoing woman who was involved with the community, I became an introverted person who existed in a small room at the YWCA. Even there, they called me the Den Mother of the Fourth Floor.

What I wasn't doing was taking care of myself. I was too busy care taking everyone else. I was just marking time and it got so that I needed more and more drugs because I couldn't deal with life and wanted to just hide away and not face it. What had been my best friend had become my enemy and it stopped working for me. It no longer became a coping tool.
I was shutting down and detaching from my family and friends. My life was nothing and I felt even more like nothing, with no self-esteem, respect, worth, care or confidence.

Thank God for recovery and the healing of the 12 Steps and Traditions.