PTSD 12-Step Recovery

[MajestyJo]

Although I have had several 'labels' put on me over the years, I think the one that scared me the post was "post traumatic stress disorder" although a professional doctor didn't do the diagnoses, my life qualified me for it.

As a sponsee said to me many years ago, "I refuse to let the labels they put on me limit me to what I can do and who I can become."

So many times in recovery, I have felt the hand of God and I found a peace from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. It certainly wasn't the God of my religious upbringing. It wasn't some inanimate object. I wasn't human although at the beginning, it was my home group and the program that was my Higher Power.

My belief has evolved over the years and as I have said many times, "God is as He/She/It reveals themselves to me today.

For most of my life, God didn't leave me, I made the decision to leave Him. Most of that reasoning came from the old tapes and the teachings of the church. A sponsee was going to Mass and said, "I'll say a prayer for you." My response was, "You don't need to bother, I have a direct line."

I don't know what God looks like. I just try to develop a relationship with Him. I figure if I know what He looks like I may stop looking for Him. If I know who God is, I will be dead and facing Him. I do believe the spirit lives on.

I came to realize that it wasn't what God did, it was about being a victim of other people's choices and choices I made. Things happen and I take them personally when they have absolutely nothing to do with me. So much of my life growing up was painful as a result of false pride, a responsibility that wasn't mine to take on, and a belief that if anything went wrong, it was all my fault.

Have been angry with God and I found out that it was okay! I have bargained with God and I have a strong belief that He is shaking His head and going Tsk! Tsk! Don't tell me we have to go through this again. Didn't she learn her lesson the last time.

When I came into recovery, I thought I knew who God was. In fact I was sure, because I had been brought up in a religious home and I remembered all those old tapes and found out that God was an old tape. When I had a year in recovery, I didn't know who God was. I stopped looking for Him outside of myself, looked withing and remembered to take Him with me on my journey.