Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2021

[bluidkiti]

August 9

Quote of the Week

"Improve your memory—tell the truth."

Toward the end of my drinking, my memory got worse and worse. To start with, my mind was a big blur from being constantly loaded, or from recovering from a blackout. In addition, it got harder and harder to remember what story or excuse I had recently made up or told to different people. Because my drinking had become the most important thing in my life, I had begun lying to protect it, and because most of the lies and stories I made up were followed by a drinking binge, I couldn’t keep anything straight. It’s no wonder people stopped hanging around me.

When I got sober and my head began to clear, I went right on lying and telling stories. As I worked the Steps, I realized that I was lying to protect my ego and get my own way. I quickly found the truth in the statement that “self-centeredness and self-seeking” was my natural state as an untreated alcoholic. It took a lot of inventories and conversations with my sponsor before I was ready to get honest. I also had to uncover, discover, and discard a lot of character defects that were keeping me sick before I could fully recover.

These days, my life is much easier now that my default is to just tell the truth. I no longer feel the need to defend or construct a big story because today I’ve learned how to be responsible and honest. Now I go through life looking for ways to be of service rather than to cheat or deceive. It’s a wonderful feeling being able to look someone in the eye again and feel a part of the human race. And best of all, my memory has improved because today, I tell the truth.

[bluidkiti]

August 16

Quote of the Week

"Reality is always so much kinder than the story I tell myself about it."

When I was drinking and my life was unraveling, even worse than what was happening was the story I told myself about it. To start with, I thought most people hated me—almost as much as I hated myself—but I found out later they just felt bad for me and wished I would recover. I also thought I had ruined my career and would never be hired again. And as far as ever having a relationship, the story I painted proved that I would be alone forever. At the end of my drinking, the reality of my life seemed quite dark indeed.

When I entered recovery, I brought my dark stories with me. As I lay in bed at night, I was consumed with negative thoughts about the damage I had done, and I felt for sure I had done irreparable harm. I constantly obsessed about my health and worried I had cancer or some other horrible disease. I feared my financial wreckage and could feel the IRS and the banks closing in. When I shared these stories with my sponsor, he simply told me to look at my feet. “My feet?” I cried incredulously. He said, “Right here in today’s reality, are you okay?” I admitted I was. “Then if you stay in today and out of your head, one day at a time, you will be fine.”

It wasn’t always easy to stay in today, and I still struggle with it sometimes, but when I do I find the reality of my life is much different than the stories I tell myself about it. In reality, I not only have everything I need to be happy, joyous, and free, but I have more than I could ask for. Today, I have a God of my own understanding that continues to perform miracles in my life. I am surrounded by a caring fellowship that is loving and supportive. Today, I have the awareness to know that the reality of my life is much better than any story I can make up about it. And for this, I am eternally grateful.

[bluidkiti]

August 23

Quote of the Week

"Happiness isn’t out there, it’s in here."

One glorious, sunny day, I was driving my big, beautiful, black Mercedes through Malibu canyon on my way to do some shopping at the high-end galleries on the Pacific Coast Highway. As the car snaked around the mountains, I caught glimpses of the shimmering, blue ocean. It was a Sunday morning, and I seemed to have it all: money, property, and prestige. I pulled over to an outlook and stood gazing at the incredible beauty around me, and I wondered why I felt so bad that I wanted to die. This was what my bottom felt like.

In recovery, I started to see life from a completely different point of view. When I read in the literature that character building and spiritual values had to come before trying to acquire and gain satisfaction from material things, I could really relate. It was hard, at first, to turn away from what I had been taught to pursue almost my entire life, but I had evidence that happiness and contentment definitely weren’t “out there.” And so I set to work the Twelve Steps.

It has been explained to me, over and over, that the Steps are written in the specific order that you should take or work them. And what I have found is that the foundation of the Steps is in developing a relationship with my Higher Power first. I now have vast experience that He can do for me what I can’t do for myself. And that includes giving me the feelings of serenity, peace, and purpose that I never got from outside things. Today, I strive to acquire greater knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. And when I do, I find that happiness has always been available to me—in here.

[bluidkiti]

August 30

Quote of the Week

"We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once."

I tend to get overwhelmed by all the things I want to do. The perfect career, the best relationship, get into top physical shape, write a bestseller, and have time left to read, hike, vacation in Europe—the list is endless. When I was drinking and crashing toward my bottom, all these goals were like ripped pieces of a parachute trailing me from above. When I finally hit the ground, the scattered bits of my goals lay around me.

As I began working the program and developed some clarity, I began to pick those pieces back up. Suddenly, I wanted to do everything again—and even more! It didn’t take long for me to be overwhelmed again, and that’s when I had to surrender once more. As I discussed this with others and with my sponsor, I realized my number-one goal was to get through the Steps and establish a firm foundation in recovery. Everyone assured me there would be plenty of time for all the rest if I made sobriety my priority.

While it was hard to put other things on hold, I now see the wisdom in that advice. I realized I couldn’t do everything at once, but I could concentrate on the most important thing, my recovery, and I could take a definite action toward that at once. I made it a priority to go to meetings, to get commitments, and to work the Steps. By doing so, my life improved immeasurably. Today, when I once again get overwhelmed by my dreams, goals, and wants, I remember I can’t do them all. But I can pick the most important thing for today, and I can do something at once.

[bluidkiti]

September 6

Quote of the Week

"When you’re going through hell, keep going!"

Hell often seemed like a destination rather than a passing part of the overall journey before I had a program. Whenever I found myself in an insufferable situation, I often convinced myself that this was my new lot in life and that it would never get better. Rather than try to figure ways out of it, I usually wallowed in self-pity and waited for things to get worse. And they usually did.

When I started working with my sponsor, I argued, debated, and tried hard to convince him that I was different, and that I could never recover. After listening to me for weeks, he asked if I was willing to try a different way. “But it won’t work,” I whined. “Are you at least willing to try?” he repeated. When I finally said yes, my life began to change.

The freedom and recovery I have found through working the Steps has shown me the way out of the hell I used to put myself through. Today, I look for solutions to situations that used to baffle me, and I have learned through experience that “this, too, shall pass.” Today, I ask my Higher Power for guidance and am shown the next indicated action. Doing so allows me to look for ways to move through times that seem unbearable. Today, I know that when I’m going through hell, it’s important that I keep going!

[bluidkiti]

September 13

Quote of the Week

"I’ve never regretted something bad I didn’t say."

Restraint of pen and tongue was a foreign concept to me when I arrived in the rooms. Before recovery, I was quick to speak my mind, even when my mind wasn’t made up—it didn’t matter. I was quick to retaliate for perceived wrongs, quick to take your inventory when I was feeling less than, and quick to tear you down to make myself feel better. And if I had been drinking, the insults, judgments, and condemnations flowed even more. Afterward, regret was heavy, and the familiar feelings of shame would descend, forcing me to retreat into the bottle once again.

When I got sober, I heard the saying that feelings weren’t facts. As such, I was told that I didn’t have to act on every feeling I had. Instead, I could write about them, pray about them, and share them with other people. I could restrain from acting on them and wait until I had clear direction as to how to react. What I found was that nine times out of ten the feelings would pass, and I was glad I hadn’t acted on them. I was also relieved that I had less regrets because I hadn’t said hurtful things.

Now that I’m sober awhile I still have to be constantly vigilant about acting on or saying things that I might regret later. For instance, in my new neighborhood, a neighbor’s dog barks pretty much constantly, and I’m pretty annoyed. I’ve written an anonymous letter expressing how irritating it is, but I haven’t delivered it yet. As time passes I’ve been very relieved as I know I’ve avoided the guilt and shame that I would feel if the neighborhood discovered I was the letter writer. And besides, when I’m in my house, I don’t even hear the dog! Today, I really feel the truth in the words “I’ve never regretted something bad I didn’t say.”

[bluidkiti]

September 20

Quote of the Week

"Don’t let your expectations exceed your acceptance."

Through recovery, I have discovered a wonderful way to avoid disappointment, anxiety, and resentment. I simply check my level of expectation about any upcoming—or current—event, interaction, or situation. Because I find that my expectations are invariably driven by my selfish needs or desires, and because situations or interactions rarely go the way I want them to, my solution is to monitor my expectations first and ask myself if I’m okay with whatever actually unfolds. If not, then that’s my problem.

Before recovery, I had neither the awareness nor the tools to access or deal with my often unconscious need to have things go my way. As such, my expectations—of myself and others—often exceeded not only how things went, but blew past my ability to accept things as they were. In fact, I had little to no acceptance at all. As such, I regularly had resentments, often formed negative opinions in advance, and was generally not pleasant to be around.

Today, thankfully, I have some tools. I know enough to recognize in advance that I am not in control of people, places, or things, and that the best thing I can do is focus on the part I can control—my level of acceptance. This is easier if I remember the saying “Everything happens in God’s time.” When I do, I find I can let go and relax. Developing the proper level of acceptance around all the situations in my life allows me to watch God’s will, and not mine, unfold. Today, I’m much happier because I don’t let my expectations exceed my acceptance.

[bluidkiti]

September 27

Quote of the Week

"The reason the program works is because we’re not all crazy on the same day."

After I was in the program for a few years, I remember hearing some people sharing and thinking they were still clearly out of their minds. This scared me because I realized I relied on them to save my life. A week later, I remember sharing some of my own stuff and realized that I probably sounded kind of crazy as well. That’s when I heard this week’s quote.

This quote means many things to me. To start with, it reminds me I still have the disease of alcoholism, and that my thinking will always be affected by it. It also reminds me that in the rooms I have the freedom to be myself—whatever that happens to be that day. In fact, the saying “You can’t save your ass and your face at the same time” has literally saved my life on a number of occasions. It also reminds me, “The reason we’re all here is because we’re not all there.”

The hope and strength I take from these sayings is that alone I can’t, but together we can. Together we make up the mosaic that is recovery, and despite those times when I still feel a little crazy, I am comforted as I see the miracle still taking place in others’ lives. Somebody once said that he only needs one meeting a week but he went to five because he never knew which one it was going to be. Thank God the voice of recovery speaks through us all, one day at a time.

[bluidkiti]

October 4

Quote of the Week

"You’re only as sick as your secrets."

When I first entered the program, I was filled with guilt and shame over some of the things I had done. When I sat in meetings and heard others share openly about some of their past behaviors, I was shocked by how honest they were. Even more baffling was how they and everyone else could actually laugh at their dark secrets. I didn’t know it then, but this was the beginning of hope and recovery for me.

“You’re only as sick as your secrets” was a saying I heard early on in the program. At first there were things I swore I would and could never reveal. After hundreds of meetings, though, the openness, forgiveness, and recovery of others created the safe place I needed to come clean. As I began to uncover, discover, and discard those parts of myself I was ashamed of, I experienced the freedom and forgiveness I needed to fully recover.

As I completed my Fourth and Ninth Steps and cleared away the wreckage of my past, I was reborn into a new man who is sober and recovered. Now I can laugh at myself, along with others, over some of the things I used to do. Moreover, I realize how the shame I felt about my dark past is the very key I need to help connect with and help heal others. Today, I use the Tenth Step to guard against keeping secrets, and to stay free of shame, so that I can be available to work with others.

[bluidkiti]

October 11

Quote of the Week

"The program does for us slowly what alcohol did for us quickly."

I clearly remember what I felt like before recovery. I was anxious, on edge, and so uncomfortable with my life that I wanted and needed to escape from it. Each morning I awoke with the terror of a new day, and making it through that day was a real struggle. I can also remember the immediate sense of ease and comfort that came from that first drink. Suddenly everything was okay; I had a new plan, and there was some hope for the future.

Drinking and escaping like this were my solution for a long time, but it stopped working. I reached a point where I couldn’t imagine life with alcohol, and I couldn’t imagine my life without it either. I was at a jumping-off point. In the beginning of my recovery, meetings and fellowship offered me temporary relief from the near constant dread and anxiety I felt. The problem was how to survive between meetings, and it was very rough going for quite a while.

And that’s when I heard someone share, “We go to meetings for relief, but we work the steps for recovery.” And as I worked my program, I found this to be true. The relief and sense of ease and comfort I used to get from drinking began now to be part of my everyday experience. After a while, I actually had moments of peace and serenity, and much of the time I even felt comfortable in my own skin. One day I realized that the program had done for me slowly what alcohol used to do for me quickly.

[bluidkiti]

October 18

Quote of the Week

"I can’t get drunk on yesterday’s booze, and I can’t get sober on yesterday’s sobriety."

During the early part of my recovery, I had frequent “slip dreams.” I would wake up scared that the drinking I had done in my dreams really happened, and that I had lost the sober time I had managed to scrape together. Lying half awake, terrified, it slowly came to me that it had only been a dream and a wave of gratitude passed over me. In those moments, I realized that no matter how much I had drank in the past, none of that mattered as long as I didn’t drink today.

Over the first few years of recovery, I went to hundreds of meetings. I almost always felt better when I did, and I heard people say that going to a lot of meetings was like putting sobriety in the bank. They said on those days you didn’t go, or when life suddenly got tough, you could draw on that sobriety bank account to get you through. After many more years in the program, I felt like my bank account of recovery was pretty large, so I went to fewer and fewer meetings. Then one day at a beach bar in Honolulu, Hawaii, I almost made the ultimate withdrawal by nearly going out.

Thank God I didn’t! I went right to a meeting that night and shared what had almost happened. Some people in the rooms shared similar experiences, and that is when I heard today’s quote. I suddenly remembered that alcoholism never goes away, and all I have is a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition. And that condition is directly related to my current program and today’s sobriety. Today, I go to meetings regularly because I know I can’t stay sober on yesterday’s sobriety.

[bluidkiti]

October 25

Quote of the Week

"I've learned to say, 'you may be right.'"

I used to think I knew it all. When someone disagreed with me, I’d argue and go out of my way to set them straight. I loved the saying “Those people who think they know it all are especially annoying to those of us who do.” In the end I was self-righteous and smug. It’s no wonder I didn’t have many people to argue with by the end of my drinking.

When I began working with my sponsor, I started arguing with him, too. At first, he listened to me, but after a while he’d had enough. “Why don’t you take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth?” he suggested. I was too desperate to be indignant, so I followed his advice and began listening to what others were sharing in meetings. And that’s when the miracle began for me.

Through listening to the experience, strength, and hope of others, I not only learned that my way was not the only way; I learned that it was almost certainly not the right way for you. I learned that others had their own path, made their own mistakes, and grew from their own experiences. By coming to understand this, I came to see that your opinions were just as valuable as mine. Most of all, I learned to stop arguing because I learned how to say, “You may be right,” and actually mean it.

[bluidkiti]

November 1

Quote of the Week

"When did [. . .] become your Higher Power?"

I used to believe that people, places, or things would fix me. I was sure that if only I could get the perfect relationship or career, or finally have enough money to be set for life, or whatever, then I would be happy or secure or comfortable. But it never worked. Each time I got it, or close enough to it, I would once again feel empty and would set my sights on the next thing I was sure was going to make me all right. I used alcohol in this way for years, but it, too, let me down.

As I started working the Steps, I learned about a Higher Power. I was taught that I have a God-shaped hole in me that I was trying to fill with other, outside things. Through prayer and meditation, I experienced glimpses of the peace and serenity I had been looking for. Then each time I turned my will and my life over to His care, and took the next indicated action, my life got better. But there was a catch. . . .

The catch was that I constantly defaulted back to my will and my old ideas of what I thought would make me happy. Even after years of recovery and experience, I still get sidetracked into thinking that more money or something else will finally complete me. And that’s when I go back to the source—back to my Higher Power. Today, whenever I feel anxious, restless, or unhappy, I ask myself, What has become my H.P.? It’s easy to figure out, and even easier to turn my will and life back over. When I do, I am restored to the peace and security I was looking for.

[bluidkiti]

November 8

Quote of the Week

"It works if you work it."

It happens every time—when I get too busy, too stressed, or too tired, I slow down on the things that make me feel better. Before long, I’m a little bit irritable and slightly discontented, and I feel a growing restlessness within all areas of my life. What I’ve been taught in the program is that when I’m feeling this way, it’s time to go back to basics.

Lately, I’ve begun my days by reading pages 86–88 of the Big Book. I sit down and take a few deep breaths, and I ask God to come back into my life. I then pray and ask my Higher Power to direct my thinking, reminding myself that it is His will that will guide my decisions today. I end my meditation asking to be shown throughout the day what my next thoughts or actions are to be.

And it works. It really does. Without exception, my days are measurably better when I begin them by working the program and asking for the guidance and support of my Higher Power. While this is simple, it is also easy to forget, especially when I get busy. Thank God I don’t have to start my entire program over—by going out—to remember how to feel better. All I have to do is work the program I have, because it always works when I become willing to work it.

[bluidkiti]

November 15

Quote of the Week

"Learning to live life one day at a time . . ."

My girlfriend went into her office today and found that fourteen people in her department had been laid off that morning. And while home recovering from a gallbladder operation, I found out that I may need three additional surgeries—painful ones at that—for other things. It’s easy to get overwhelmed with what’s going on in the world and in our lives, and that’s when I remember that I can get through anything, as long as I take it one day at a time.

It didn’t always used to be like this. Before I had the tools of the program, even the smallest things would overwhelm me. I constantly lived in a state of anxiety, and when something did happen, panic wasn’t far behind. I have a mind that is good at painting dark scenarios, and I have lived each imagined scenario to its bitter end. My life was pretty unmanageable.

One of the gifts of recovery has been learning to live in the present. When I can keep my mind in the same place as my feet, then I always find I’m all right. I’m taken care of, I have everything I need, I’m safe, and I can even find things to be grateful for. Once I focus my attention on what is happening now, I can experience the peace and joy in my life that are always present when I can slow down enough to acknowledge them. And it all comes from learning to live one day at a time.