Sharing and Caring

[MajestyJo]

Growth

In AA I found that the focus was suppose to be taken off the self-centered "I" and put on the still suffering alcoholic, and yes, my recovery came first because without my sobriety, I had nothing, yet it was "stay sober and then do service." I had a friend who got so involved in service that she stayed sick for a long time, and she helped me to recognize it within myself, that I was again, looking outward instead of inward, using 'service' as a means of not looking at my own issues and dealing with my own recovery. Another one of those Catch 22s, I believe they call them.

The same in Al-Anon, I stayed sick for so many years, because I focused on the As in my life, not only did I play the blame game, I used them not to face myself and deal with my own issues. I didn't realize they were reflecting my own defects and shortcomings and as much as I would like to think I was so much 'better' than they were, because I no longer drank, I was still walking around in my dis-ease, because I was still wrapped up in the blanket of denial and thinking my stuff didn't stink.

For me 12 Steps are 12 Steps and it is about me and my recovery, no matter what issue I am addressing in today, be it my pain, my codependency and feeling lonely, be it my issues with my son, it all boils down to me surrendering and letting go and letting my God.

It is in the Big Book about being a selfish program and a lot of people get the message mixed up, after all it is a disease of perception. I always try to remember to ask for my own knowingness and my own truth in today and walk accordingly.

As the saying goes, the 12 Steps are a tool that fits any nut that walks through the doors of recovery. That was me, and it was desperation that kept me from 'bolting' back out the door when I got here, using was no longer an option. The Third and Fifth Traditions have kept me coming back. As I told a woman in Al-Anon many years ago, "Al-Anon is why I used in the first place." It was a lot of the old tapes, perception from childhood, and the pain I felt and didn't know how to deal with.

My sponsor use to say, "Fill yourself up and only give away the over flow. We hear things, at least I should say, "I heard things and saw them as a lot of mixed messages. I think it is important that we focus on our own healing before we try helping someone else.

Posted on another site in 2012

In today, because of my health issues I no longer take on sponsees, I will be a temporary one until they can find someone else; but I don't feel that I have the time to give them. So many of my days are turned around, and I have trouble thinking through the pain. When I get on the phone, most times I start losing my voice, when I talk.

It has to begin with me, how can I focus on someone else if I am all wrapped up in myself and my issues.