Sharing and Caring

[MajestyJo]

Tonight I was sharing with a sponsee that I have come to the reality that my son may choose to carry the message "To use is to die!"

I am powerless over his choices. All I can do is surrender him and his addiction over to my Higher Power and accept that he is acting out in his disease. I have no problem with that, because he is a perfect image of myself when I was in active addiction.

To see one is to know one, and he has admitted to me depending on the day I ask, that he is an alcoholic. He has admitted to a close friend that he is a weekend alcoholic. That is like being, a little bit pregnant.

I can identify the thought patterns, the justification, the game playing, the denial, the rationalization, and all the games I played to keep from being honest with myself.

With my son, I do have a problem with him bringing his addiction into my space. I have told him he can go out and use all he wants, as long as he doesn't bring it home to me. That includes drinking his money, and coming home to mother to be fed. I don't want to help supply his habits.

Waking up and finding him passed out on my bathroom or living room floor is not something I wish to experience in today. Trying to sit at my computer and smell alcohol or pot in my living room is not something that I want to live with today. I try to respect myself in today, and I know that I deserve better. I don't love him less, but in today, I have learned to love myself more.

Just the other day he told me to prayer quieter, guess he heard me say that a few times to my aunt and my best friend when they kept harping to me about quitting my smoking. Well I quit cigarettes for almost six years now, so there is always hope.

He is a great one for throwing my own words and actions back at me, especially the past and trying to lay on a guilt trip. Today I have freedom of choice, today I don't have to go there and take the bait. He can only do that if I allow him to. In today, he has his own disease, his own life, and he knows that there is help, but does not have the desire to quit. Even when he wants to quit, he doesn't want to go to AA.

This was posted in 2004. My son is still using, came by tonight with a whole lot of excuses and sad tales and thinks he is fooling me. I told him that he had to stop bringing his addiction into my space. I set boundaries and he is still ignoring them. At first I realized I like his help, but in today he makes more work and still the adult child who expects mom to make it all better. If I can't make it better, than it is all my fault in the first place.

Feeling sad tonight, but that is okay. It is a feeling and I no longer have to shove those feelings down, I can feel them and let them go.