Sharing and Caring

[MajestyJo]

Honesty was a biggy for me. I thought I got honest first, and realized it was what came last to me.

I was cash register honest mainly because of the spiritual principles taught to me growing up and for the most part when it came to monetary things.

When I got true honesty, I realized that I stole time, affection, ideas, and was very selfish and self-centered. It was all about me and what I wanted.

I had to get honest about my own disease. Not my father's, my mother's, my husband's, my son's, my friends and coworkers, but be honest about me.

I lived my life through other people. I had a lot of sick people in my life that I tried to help and find acceptance through because of my own low self-worth and self-esteem. I was always looking for validation and affirmation from others and unable to honestly like myself. I was so busy caretaking others that I didn't have time for me. I didn't know how to give to me and didn't think I was worthy and deserving of respect.

I not only found courage and fortitude in the bottle and pills but through people. I think the using of people caused more hurt than that when I was drinking. When I was drinking, there was always the bottle, but it took me to other people and I always wanted to belong and be a part of. This is the nice part of finding recovery, I finally found like I had come home and truly belonged, not feeling like I was on the outside looking in and not participating in my own life.

How many times I was told to 'do' and 'did' whether I wanted to or not. I had to get honest and find out what I truly liked, loved, accepted, and believed in not what my spouses, my son, my parents, my clergy, my friends, my co-workers, etc. told me was truth. I had to find my own. I no longer had to say, "How high?" when I was told to jump. I was able to get honest and say, "Do I realy want to jump?"

I am powerless, when I give up my power. Until I could get truly honest, I didn't know that I couldn't make anyone do anything, I didn't know that I wasn't responsible for other people's actions, I didn't know that I could say "No!"

My immediate thought when I see 'surrender' is "No Never!" And so it should be, I should never give up, what I need to do is give over.

Surrender to win! When I give up the power by saying, "God I can't do this any more, I need your help!" I am empowered to do what I need to do for myself. God doesn't do for me what I can do for myself. The best part is that when I turn it over to Him, He gives me the courage, the strength, the willingness (sometimes I have to pray for the willingness to be willing), the guidance, the motivation and encouragement for me to move on and make changes in my life. When life is the same old, same old, there is a very good chance that I am not growing in the fellowship of the Spirit and if I get really honest, there have been some doors have opened and I was too caught up in self to walk through. I was not willing to take a risk and get out of the old enemy complacency and instead of surrendering each day daily, I just give over what is comfortable for me.

Like the old pair of running shoes I like talking about. They are just so comfortable and seem to just fit my feet, yet they do look a little shabby and worse for wear. When I give in and buy a new pair, the new ones are stiff and not very pliable in the moment, feel awkward and strange and often I develop a blister or two. Yet in the long run, they become comfortable, they look good and I start feeling better and able to handle life as it comes much better. I can walk taller, walk faster, and walk proud.