Pause For Thought

[MajestyJo]

A drug is a drug, no matter what you use. Anything that is mind altering and allows you to escape yourself. I once heard someone say, "Anything that stands between you and your God and what He would have you do and be, in today!"

Since I started going to NA eighteen years ago, I have repeatedly come across people who think that just because I was addicted to prescription pills, and didn't do "street" drugs, I am not a 'real' addict.

Several times over the years I have heard people say "I am a 'real' alcoholic. Well prescription drugs where dried up alcohol for me. I didn't have blackouts with alcohol, but I did with pills. I didn't like all kinds of alcohol, but I sure liked all kinds of pills.

When I quit smoking, I tried Zyban. I took a pill and waited for the 'craving' to disappear. I didn't read the instructions, I thought I knew! The Ms. Know-It-All Addict thought she knew what she was doing. It ended up I was allowed to take the pills for five days and smoke too. I quit smoking and took the pills expecting the instant fix! When I finally read the instructions, it gave me permission to smoke, and I tried it their way and all the pill did was make the cigarettes taste bad, so I quit the pills and the cigarettes.

Since I have been going through the problem with doctors and having to deal with pain with no medication, it has been so difficult to 'take as prescribed' the meds I am allowed. I had not been to a meeting for three weeks because of pain, life and the holidays. I found myself cussing, totally addicted to my computer games, and not posting on my sites. I had nothing to give! If it wasn't copy and paste, I had nothing to say.

What I have been know to do is beat myself up for was the fact that I don't listen to myself. I have spent years learning to listen to that inner voice, what I call my Higher Self, and I don't always follow through on it. Perhaps it wasn't meant to, and it happened as it should, but I have also found it happening in little things, like at my bridge club tonight. If I get a thought, like "take something out for dinner" and don't follow through on it, dinner time comes and everything is frozen.

It has been a big lesson, and I know that for me, sometimes "thought" can mess me up. Being an Aires, it isn't always good to intellectualize everything, and it is difficult for me to "Let Go" and trust that God is doing His part, without me having my fingers in the pie!!!!

In the telling of this, I am starting to smile and have a chuckle, it sure helps to put it into words.

It hasn't been about alcohol for a good many years. What I can end up substituting is food, my computer, my books, and other things that seem less harmful, yet when it becomes an addiction, it all leads to the same soul sickness. I have had to turn them over to my Higher Power. That included my bed. I used my bed for years to hide from the world because I didn't like my reality. I have to ask myself, what is my motive and intent. Do I really need the sleep, am I using my bed to keep my from doing what I need to do for my own health and well being. do I really need this food, am I hungry or am I just stuffing my feelings.

Am I procrastinating, am I in denial, am I hiding from myself. Am I being the best me I can be in today. Sometimes I fall far short of my own expectations. I have to remember my humanness although I had a resentment against it for years. I beat myself up royally for being less than. Not in God's eyes, but in my own.

Thanks for letting me share.

Something I shared in 2010.

A drug is a drug and comes in many forms, the thing that identifies it is anything that takes over your mind and all your thoughts are centered on it, instead of living your day, according to your God's Plan.